Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Valiant

This is topic Valiant in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

This isn't exactly a novel--more like a novella. But here it is:

Spcae Opera, unfinished. Just need comments on the first 13 for now.

___________________________

Valiant

1. The Death

There’s no sunlight in space.

Valiant watched the stars wink at him as the blood drained from his veins. He couldn’t hear anything but the fading beat of his heart and the sigh of the woman biting his neck.

No sunlight in space. Perfect place for vampires.

What was her name again? His mind was fuzzy. He’d drunk too much. Things grew still. Dark.

The woman with the curves and the long dark hair bit him. She smiled and kissed him like she was starving. Well she was, but not for what he’d assumed.

2. Before

“How many’d you get, Val?”

Valiant turned to his wingman, Ben. “Ten. Record low.” That last one had come right at him. Too easy. This war was getting boring.

________________

Thanks.

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 27, 2007).]

Posted by mommiller (Member # 3285) on :

Having a hard time figuring out who, what, when, where, how, and most importantly, WHY here.

Kinda vague and lacking a hook, Pixy.

The numbers sort of remind me of more an instruction sheet rather than the unfolding of a tale.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

it's a little odd for the setup, but intriguing. I think the no sunlight angle needs a little work. It's not that there's no sunlight, but depending on whether or not they are close to a star/planet, it is not defuse, bouncing all over the place, filling up every nook and cranny. Or is it that the vampires are from earth and only earth's sun affects them?

also the line "The woman with the curves and the long dark hair bit him. She smiled and kissed him like she was starving. Well she was, but not for what he’d assumed." seems like she goes for the throat and then backs off. how about
"The volupuous woman with the long dark hair bit him, then smiled and tenderly kissed the wound she had just inflicted, then bit him again, as if she was starving."

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

There’s no sunlight in space.

My first thought was, "Sure there is--how else would it get to the surface of various planets?" Then you have him looking at stars--a testament to the fact that sunlight does pass through space. By the time I figured out what you really meant--that it's safe for vampires--I was already totally sceptical about the story.

It actually sounds like a cool premise: vampires in space. However, I don't care a lick about Valiant and have no reason to invest myself in caring about him since you clearly state that he dies. Since he's your title character and POV, I figure that he's also the main character.

Perhaps it might be better to drop the first "There’s no sunlight in space" thought or start with them going to the bar instead?

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

Maybe, with all these knowledgeables quibbling with 'no sunlight' you should make a reference to "day" instead of sun.

I, for one, think you've effectively opened your premise. Why go back, though? If you're more interested in the war side of it, by all means--just make it a little more interesting. That he's bored, and so far has no other personality as we can tell, does not make us want to go on with the book, though. What's going to happen now he's a vampire? That's not enough of a problem (in this vamp-sated age) to make someone go on, unless you show us all the complications pretty soon

I have to work hard to get enough suspense into my beginnings, so I speak from bitter experience: you've got all the raw stuff here. But you need to bring it forward quickly.

I wouldn't know, but I think Bored In Space has probably been done to death.
And with vampires, I think it's the mood evoking that readers love to find.
Fun concept! Don't let it slip your fingers.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

1. The Death
There’s no [sunlight<--Maybe daylight..] in space.
Valiant watched the stars wink at him as the blood drained from his veins. He couldn’t hear anything but the fading beat of his heart and the sigh of the woman [biting<--Is she masticating, or was it just one bite? IMHO - "Sucking the bite in"] his neck.
No sunlight in space. Perfect place for vampires.
What was her name again? His mind was fuzzy. He’d drunk too much. Things grew still. Dark.
The woman with the curves and the long dark hair bit[She's a biter! I think this goes beyond vampirism. ] him. She smiled and kissed him like she was starving. Well she was, but not for what he’d assumed.

2. Before
“How many’d you get, Val?”[This threw me at first.
Valiant turned to his wingman, Ben. “Ten. Record low.” That last one had come right at him. Too easy. This war was getting boring.
“So, you going to The Pond? I need a drink.”

Overall, I like it. It's just structured a little wierd.

Posted by PatEsden (Member # 3504) on :

Besides the sunlight/daylight thing, this beginning totally hooked me.

Posted by ValleyPastor (Member # 5467) on :

I like it as a whole.

Would substitute "daylight" for "sunlight."

Maybe something like "woman whose mouth was at his throat" instead of "biting his neck." "Biting" is too easily interpreted as repeated action.

"Woman with the curves" is great. But did she bite him, then kiss him, or was the kiss first and then the bite? I don't picture the vamp beginning to feed and then letting go for a kiss.

Who names their kid Valiant? Even as a nickname it seems more like knights & dragons than space. Do we find out how he got saddled with it?

"Record low": When we're speaking of "getting" things in war, isn't higher usually better?

I like Space Opera, and space vampires have interested me ever since Moore's "Shambleau." I'd read more.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

These are all great comments. Thanks! I'll be back soon with a new opening.

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

Ah! I'm not much into modern vampire tales, so I had no idea that Valiant might be coming back as a vampire (like ArachneWeave assumed). I vaguely thought that something special (beyond feeding on him) would be necessary for that. (After all, if every feeding produced a vampire, it wouldn't take very long before all spacers--and earthlings!--were vampires.)

I just looked "vampire" up on Wikipedia. Very interesting. I guess I'm not totally out of it. To quote: "This theory...that a single bite turns the victim into a vampire...is not generally the case in most vampire lore."

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited May 28, 2007).]