Hatrack River Writers Workshop: regional mystery rewrite

This is topic regional mystery rewrite in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Hey, folks. I have a new opening thirteen, let me know what you think? The original is still posted on this forum, if you are overwhelmingly interested is seeing the first version. Thanks! Deb

My name is Dulci Ash. I've been divorced twice, have two kids, and a horrible secret. I'm psychic. And not just psychic – natural born witch, lighting candles without a match, visits from ghosts and things that go bump in the night psychic. People say they'd like to know what's going to happen – trust me, you really don't. Especially when you see the train wreck coming and can't do a damn thing to stop it.
Since the night my Uncle Dan died when I was five, until the night one month ago when I dreamed about 125 year old murder, I had done my best to hide, kill or subdue my dubious “talent”. The dream started innocently enough . . .
When the dream started, I was standing on a rocky red cliff. Mountain bones were exposed in stern muscled columns that

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

quote:
Since the night my Uncle Dan died when I was five, until the night one month ago when I dreamed about 125 year old murder, I had done my best to hide, kill or subdue my dubious “talent”.

I suggest try to simplify this a bit. For example: My uncle Dan deid when I was Five. Since then, I had done my best to hide.... my 'talent' until a month ago. I dreamed of a....

Plus you have 'the dream started... twice. I suggest deleting the second.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

It's a lot better.

The first paragraph drops us into place.

That said, the trouble is with your second paragraph. You are trying to fit too much in a couple of lines, and in turn, getting stalled. Get right to the point.

Suggestion:
Ever since the day my Uncle Dan died, when I was five, a single dream has haunted me. It made me hate my talent.

I stood on (cliff's or bluff's name) as the (Fort Name's)cavalry rounded the river bend. They were a ragtag bunch that surrounded themselves with traitorous natives. At the rear of the line, and old man sat proudly in the saddle. Though his hands were bound, his mannerism shouted that he was only kept because he allowed himself to be.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited June 05, 2007).]

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Much better. Now I understand the significance of the dream sequence and yes, you've taken it out of the cliche.

You can still streamline the second paragraph since I don't yet know the significance of Uncle Dan's death and there is no way for you to tell me that in the first 13.

Maybe:

Since I was five I've done my best to hide, kill or subdue my dubious "talent". For the last twenty years, until last month, I've had the same vision about a 125 year old murder. I don't know why it's suddenly stopped and that worries me. The dream starts innocently enough . . .

I was standing . . .

The paragraph break will let me know you are starting to tell me about the vision.

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

the dream is a one time deal. No repeats. I just need to find a better way to bring it in. it's having the dream that brings on all the action.

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited June 05, 2007).]

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

Seems alright to me. I'd be careful with the use of an ellipsis. They have their place and time, but those are few and far between in my estimation. Nix it, and to better effect.

And, see if you can turn the dream from a passive retelling into an active reliving. Get visceral, use your MC's senses to relate what she's seeing and feeling. That would help increase the immediacy of your writing and draw your reader in. It might also necessitate working the opening paragraph in somewhere after the dream, but I suppose that would work itself out eventually.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

This is definitely better than the other version, but I still have some trouble following what you were saying due to odd grammar and such.

quote:
My name is Dulci Ash. I've been divorced twice, have two kids, and [have] a horrible secret. I'm psychic. [deleted] Not just psychic[, but a] natural born witch [who can] light candles without a match, [receive] visits from ghosts[,] and [hear] things that go bump in the night psychic. People say they'd like to know what's going to happen[, but] trust me, you really don't. Especially when you see the train wreck coming and can't do a damn thing to stop it.
Since the night my Uncle Dan died when I was five, {is this related to the train wreck just mentioned?} until the night one month ago when I dreamed about 125 year old murder, I had done my best to hide, kill or subdue my dubious “talent”. The dream started innocently enough . . .
[deleted]I was standing on a rocky red cliff. Mountain bones were exposed in stern muscled columns that

By the way, I understood that this dream was a one time event. However, if it threw two people, then a re-wording might be wise.

[This message has been edited by DebbieKW (edited June 05, 2007).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

Better?

My name is Dulci Ash. I've been divorced twice, have two kids, and a horrible secret. I'm psychic. And not just psychic – I'm a natural-born-witch, lighting-candles-without-a-match, visits-from-ghosts-and-things-that-go-bump-in-the-night type psychic. People say they'd like to know what's going to happen – trust me, you really don't. Especially when you see the car crash coming and can't do a damn thing to stop it.
Since the night 22 years ago, when my Uncle Dan died and I was powerless to stop it, until the night one month ago when everything in my life changed, I have done my best to hide, kill or subdue my dubious “talent”. This is how it all changed. It started with a dream, and the dream started so innocently:

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 06, 2007).]

Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :

Yes, this basically works much better. The sentences here all tend toward the long, though. You might want to work on making it sound a little more punchy. This is, after all, the book's hook.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

I would rather see the MC in a situation where she is with a loved one and is "hit" with psychic vision of something terrible happening to that person. Will she say anything? What will she do? This would be high tension. Through such a situation we could learn all about her ability while at the same time being drawn into the story. Telling us about her psychic ability is less convincing and does not convey the tension and arouse the interest this scene is capable of IMHO.

"Things that go bump in the night - cliche.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I'm content with this - you've cleaned up some of the technical issues and it reads much much better. I can hear your narrators voice better, hear a little humour mixed in with a weariness about the burden she carries. You've also made a conscious choice to go with a retelling in first person, and to have her tell about her powers when others here have mentioned showing her powers. I think at this point, you've got me for the remainder of that dream - if you can knock that out of the park by making it active, engrossing, maybe even a little aggressive, really engage a readers senses, I think you've got a god start for your novel.

One last note - I'd nix the colon, just go with a straight period and then start the dream in another paragraph, but that's me.

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

one colonoscopy, coming up!

deb