Stretched out in the shade of Grandmother Willow, Brink, the strongest of the trymphs watched as the wind stirred the tree’s branches. The moan and creak of the old woman’s wood, the clatter as the long tendrils bounced together and the shush of leaves in the strong breeze created the symphony Brink had come to hear. His moss colored skin gave the illusion he was just another of Grandmother’s root knees. A sigh teased at the edge of the music. Brink sat up and in four hops he clung to side of a neighboring oak his fingers curled around the edge of the bark. He climbed the trunk and emerged among the top most branches. ‘Human,’ the sigh whispered again.
I am doing a rewrite of a couple of fairy tales, trying to mesh some of the elements of both together. This little section started as an aside and I decided to add it as the prologue. I write like I read a book for every room and mood, many projects started only one that has moved on to the second draft statis.
Posted by Alye (Member # 5017) on :
The 'sigh' confused me a bit at first time I read it, but the second time I popped out of Skimmer Mode and reread it, it fit better.
The other part "Brink sat up and in four hops he clung to side of a neighboring oak his fingers curled around the edge of the bark." It didn’t work for me. You could leave out the 'sat up' as he would have had to gotten up to hop up a tree. And, 'four hops' why so precise? A ‘few hops’, works as well for me visually, but a precise number in a loose flowing prose felt off to me.
My take: In a few hops, Brink climbed up the side of a neighboring oak. His fingers curled around the edge of the bark, as he clung.
A few grammatical mistakes, but that is the easiest to fix, just keep in mind it is the hardest mistake for a reader to get over.
I would read more if you like. I am a Fey buff so this is right up my alley.
Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
*has taken Alye's name*
This sounds cool. The line about his color throws me out of Brink's POV, though. You can probably streamline it, by referring to his consciousness of matching Grandmother Willow. You could possibly help us enter his psyche more already by framing the idea the way he's thinking, too.
Posted by ArachneWeave (Member # 5469) on :
Oh, and that also makes the reference to him as the strongest too prescriptive. Is this omniscient? I'm sorry if I'm off here. Omni is so rare, I wasn't thinking of it as a possibility.
Posted by sephina (Member # 5596) on :
I reread the full prologue and I did write it in omniscient. I introduce the mother of the MC at the end of the prologue and then the rest of the story is in POV of the two MC's. I would be happy to send the first twenty pages for any to read with a story summary. Just give me a week I'm changing abodes and will be up to my neck in boxes this week.
Thanks for all the imput.
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
I liked it. I'd read on. My one minor nit was the name "Grandmother Willow." I don't know if this is a big enough deal to care, but that was the name of a living willow tree in the Disney movie Pocahontas. Not a big deal, and since no one else mentioned it, most people probably won't notice. I have a three year old daughter. That's my excuse.
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
Do we need to know so early that Brink is the strongest of the trymphs? I don't know what a trymph is, so the fact that he's the strongest doesn't mean much to me. I like the little bits of description like his moss covered skin.
"Sigh whispered" I have a little problem with this. I'm not sure what's going on. And I don't think a sigh can whisper.
"Edge of the bark" - did you mean edge of the trunk? Or is he really small so that his hands curl around the ridges of the bark? Like I said, I don't know what a trymph is so you're gonna have to give me clues as to size, physiology (is he humanoid), and so on.
I like the scene overall. Brink is just kicking back listening to the forest sing and now a human has come to ruin it. I liked Grandmother Willow and her old knees. I think you could delete roots and readers would still get what you were refering to.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Grandma Willow didn't bother me although I also had the Disney moment. I also know that Native Americans have called willow trees that for far longer than Disney has been around.
The images and voice are very nice.
I'm not sure I need to know he's the strongest of the trymphs. I would like to know what they are.
Posted by TMan1969 (Member # 3552) on :
Wow, sounds very interesting - like someone told me before, there isn't enough fairytales. I am like you , many writing projects and some at various stages. Good luck with this and keep it up!
[This message has been edited by TMan1969 (edited June 28, 2007).]
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I'd be willing to read more. I like the tone, but you need to proofread more carefully. Here is a word by word criticism.
Stretched out in the shade of Grandmother Willow, Brink, the strongest of the trymphs(COMMA) watched as the wind stirred the tree’s branches. The moan and creak of the old woman’s wood(THIS DOESN'T QUITE WORK -- TRY "OF GRANDMOTHER'S WOOD" or "OF THE OLD WOMAN'S BRANCHES), the clatter as the long tendrils bounced together (COMMA) and the shush of leaves in the strong breeze created the symphony Brink had come to hear. His moss(HYPHEN)colored skin gave the illusion he was just another of Grandmother’s root knees. (GOOD, BUT TOO CLOSE TO TOLKIEN???)
A sigh teased at the edge of the music. Brink sat up and in four hops he clung to side of a neighboring oak(COMMA) his fingers curled around the edge of the bark.(GOOD. THIS GIVES HIS SIZE -- TINY) He climbed the trunk and emerged among the top most branches. ‘Human,’ the sigh whispered again.
This holds up well on second and third reading. Hint on punctuation, if a parenthetical phrase opens with a comma, it must close with a comma. I, to avoid the monster, hid. (2 commas.) But: I hid to avoid the monster. (no commas) Also a two-word adjective takes a hyphen. The three-toed sloth. A two-word predicate does not. The sloth had three toes.
Buy Strunk and White, The Elements of Style and read it from cover to cover. Then read it again. Then read it again.
Posted by sephina (Member # 5596) on :
Thanks for all the imput. I am sitting at the library responding to this because we moved into a new home in the country and have had trouble getting internet access. I will send the first twenty pages to all who said they would be interested in about a week. Thanks, Julie B.
Posted by writeratheart (Member # 5758) on :
I really liked it and i'd deffinently read more i'm curious as to what a trymph is? well done, keep up the good work
