Below is the beginning of my fantasy novel (~115k words), which I have rewritten/edited more times than I want to count. For me, the beginning of the story (or the first paragraph of every chapter) is the most difficult thing to write and I know I'm too close to this to judge it critically. All criticisms welcome and for anyone willing to read the first ten pages, let me know and I thank you all in advance.
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The demon’s death cry announced the end of the battle between the Sugihara clan and the Oni demons.
Mamoru wiped the sweat from his eyes before freeing his battle-axe from the demon’s ribcage. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he scanned his surroundings. The fallen, mutilated bodies of both men and demons were the only remnant of the chaos permeating the battlefield for the last hour. For most men, the resulting carnage conjured a scene from hell, but for the Demon Slayers of the Sugihara clan, it was merely another mission.
A quick count of his surviving soldiers came up three short. Mamoru sighed and wiped his brow again. With the blood of his enemies congealing at his feet, he struggled for control of his emotions.
[This message has been edited by Hakaisha (edited July 13, 2007).]
quote:
[Nicked and dull from use, Mamoru’s gore splattered battle-axe sought the demons vulnerable flesh below its ribcage.<--This is a contorted way of beginning. It's from the ax's PoV.] A sickening thunk sounded the weapons success. The resulting bloody gurgles acted as the demons last curse upon the world[,] before it collapsed to the battlefields churned soil.[<--This paragraph is a bit flowery and long-winded. IMO - it should be short, intense sentences.]With the skirmish finally over, Mamoru relaxed his blood-caked grip on his battle-axe. His muscles ached, his [battle high<--I think this would be a "bloodlust"] ebbed, and the [blood haze<--A lot of blood-based terms in this two paragraphs. Maybe: The red haze of rage] [began to clear<--Strengthen this, just use "cleared".] from his vision. [Quiet<--As opposed to?] carnage was the only remnant of the chaos [once permeating the forest clearing surrounding<--Three participles in a row makes this a bit long-winded] Mamoru and his men. Scattered[,] mutilated bodies[Comma or an em-dash (--) belonging to both men and monsters[Comma or an em-dash conjured a scene from hell, and a picture all too familiar to Mamoru.
The adverbs, adjectives, participles, and hyphenated words makes this a thick grammatical stew. You never start one sentence with Mamoru. The closest you come is "His muscles ached..." and that is only once. It is so flowery it loses the feel of battle and gains a cinematic quality.
Is Mamoru a demon, man, or other? Why is he fighting? Why are they fighting?
I know more about the state of the battlefield's carnage than I do about your protagonist. (I'm assuming that he's not the antagonist...)
You have a "thunk" as the active noun in your second sentence, that "sounded".
Your last sentence tells us this is a scene that Mamoru is accustomed to, yet, he still takes the time to notice -- in great detail -- everything in the aftermath.
Trim out some of the "stew" and take us to the heart of the character and story, and this will hook me.
To me, it comes across as you trying too hard to tell me you know how to write. It erodes my trust in the storyteller.
You have: Mamour's blade seek, the thunk sounded, gurgles acted, muscles ached, battle high ebbed, blood haze began to clear, and mutilated bodies conjure. These are not the characters in the scene. They're byproducts. The only time you have an action directly associated with a character is when Mamoru relaxes.
I think somemore sentences directly involving the characters will liven up this opening.
I'm willing to look at the first 10 pages.
Also, I think "gore splattered" should be replaced by "blood-stained" or "gargantuan". Something stronger, without using a semi-crude such as "splattered".
What do you mean by "demons"? Is it demon's or demons'?
Here is how it reads to me:
For me, the timing/pace of the description is incongruous with the movement in the scene - for example, it takes me longer to read the first sentence than it would for the ax to slice the demon's gut.
I think the POV is too far from the MC. I ALWAYS put the POV to far from the MC in my first drafts, but forcing it closer to the MC allows the reader to connect more quickly and strongly with the story. You could, for example, state how it feels for the MC to land such a blow. Apparently its a familiar feeling, and the sound of steel slicing flesh is familiar too.
I can't argue with the previous comments, and IB finds his mark as usual.
Anyhow, it's good and I would keep reading.
[This message has been edited by Bill (edited July 11, 2007).]
I think deleting this sentence, "The fallen, mutilated bodies of both men and demons were the only remnant of the chaos permeating the battlefield for the last hour." will tighten this beginning.
Is Mamoru one of these Sugihara demone slayers? You say the scene is not shocking for the demon slayers, but in the last sentence, Mamoru is trying to control his emotions as if he is upset.
Also is this set in Japan? I ask because oni is a Japanese mythological creature.
quote:
[The demon’s death cry announced the end of the battle between the [Sugihara [C]lan<--This is a specific clan, thus capitalized] and the Oni demons.<--I don't know if you need this, at all. You could add two words to the next sentence, and keep the essense true:Mamoru wiped the sweat from his eyes before freeing his battle-axe from the [last Oni] demon’s ribcage. Taking a moment to catch his breath, he scanned his surroundings. The fallen, [mutilated<--Does he think of them as "fallen" or "mutilated"? The latter seems a modern term, and not really necessary -- unless the mutilations are important to the story.] bodies of both men[,] and demons were the only remnant[s] of the chaos [that] permeat[ed] the battlefield [for the last hour<--needed?]. For most men, the [Deleted] carnage conjured a scene from hell, but[,] for the Demon Slayers of the Sugihara [C]lan, it was merely another mission.
A quick count of his surviving soldiers came up three short. Mamoru sighed and wiped his brow again. With the blood of his enemies congealing at his feet, he struggled for control of his emotions.
For the most part, I like it. You have answered most of the essential questions that I would need to keep me interested enough to read on:
1) I know that Mamoru is a man, and leader of the Demon Slayers ("his surviving soldiers").
2) I know why he's fighting. I do not yet know why the Sugihara Clan are Demon Slayers, but I have a reasonable belief that it will be explained.
3) Depending on whether you choose "fallen" or "mutilated" I have an idea of the romanticism or coldness he feels as a warrior. That tells me something about him, other than what he does.
4) I don't have to hack my way through a grammatical jungle of description. My mind is engaged with the tale, not sorting out the details.
5) Yes, this is still me, not some alien-body-snatcher.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 19, 2007).]
From the second para I have an image of bodies of men and demons all over the place. But Mamoru is only short of three men, so who are the others? Or did I misunderstand the second para and actually there are demons and just three dead men?
Second, I assume that Mamoru is a demon slayer and if it was "just another mission" why is he struggling for control of his emotions?
Hope this helps,
Pat
See, I am very nit picky about structure in pieces of writing. The writing itself has to breathe. There needs to be parts in the writing that clip by very quickly, and places where things almost need to be in slow motion. That is one of the things that makes a book interesting. I would definately make this beginning much leaner, and cut out the fat.
But, don't get me wrong here. This is very well written, and if it was part of a climactic scene, it would be wonderful. I just dont find it enticing as a beginning.
I guess I'm having a problem making the situation seem 'everyday' for the Demon Slayers, yet still difficult for Mamoru as he's the leader and some of his soldiers have died.
Anyways, thanks again for the comments. Today, I actually received a request for a full from an agent, after more rejections then I care to reveal. So for now I'm going to work on the suggestions made on this board and the couple of comments the agent had after reading my partial. I've had a couple of other agent rejections after they read partials, so I'm not getting my hope too high. However, it does feel good after all the job searching headaches I've been experiencing lately 