Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The Puppy Snatcher--first 13

This is topic The Puppy Snatcher--first 13 in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I haven't decided whether this is a middle grade or YA novel (or perhaps a short story). It is a SF story of sorts.

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Pak is a puppy snatcher. Pak visits bad children in Stokes County, whether teens or toddlers, and steals their good puppies in the night. If the bad child does not have a good puppy, Pak snatches the child instead. Parents who want their bad teen or toddler back must leave a ransom of five good puppies in a basket on their front porch. Of course, Pak snatches the puppies immediately upon deposit on the front porch.

Puppy-snatching only happens in Stokes County, as far as anyone knows. Long-time residents of Stokes County rarely lose their bad children because they keep at least one good puppy per child in the household plus a back-up good puppy.
Stokesians all agree that Pak has a rather cruel sense of humor
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 03, 2007).]

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

I like the bouncy rhythm this reads with, plus the deadpan way you talk about the puppy snatcher. Good thing is, it makes me ask lots of questions...like, why puppies? Why children? Has anything been done to try and stop him?

I especially like the extra good puppy for backup.

What about residents that want to lose their bad children? I'd read on. Good piece.

Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :

I'm going to disagree with Jidin on this one. The voice this seems to be written in I find too dry and dead to be kept up for a whole novel, even a short one. In my experience, if this is aimed at kids, you need to engage them with your words as much as with your ideas. The idea of a puppy snatcher is a little engaging, but Pak's story isn't being told in a way that makes me excited or anxious, or anything at all but bored. Is this first 13 more of an introduction before the actual narrator steps up and tells us Penny's story? Because if it is, lose all of this lock-step prose and let Penny tell the whole story, from the top.

That being said... no, there's not much more to say for me. The story needs a fair bit more explaining before it'll make much sense to me. (Like what's the difference between a good and a bad puppy? Why puppies? Why don't the parent's do something like, uh, move out of Stokes County, or maybe call the cops?) As this stands right now, I'd put it down here and forget about it in a few short minutes. The tale you're trying to tell might be good, but this voice is absolutely killing me. Out, out, damn'd voice! Out I say!

Jayson Merryfield

Posted by JeffBarton (Member # 5693) on :

As to middle grade or YA target, I'd have to say neither. Your premise and descriptive terms so far are simple. Good child, bad child and good puppy would appeal to the same age range as the story of Santa Clause bringing toys to good children and lumps of coal to bad. The back-up puppy is your most complex concept so far. I also think this narrative voice would only work with the very young.

It's said that youngsters read about characters a little older than themselves - about 2 years. I expect you'll go into Penny's age or school grade almost immediately.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Given that I didn't know if you were sci fi/ fantasy or what, I spent some time wondering if you really meant the animals. I might like some hint as to whether "Pak" is or is thought to be (if they don't know) a person or an Evil Robot Monkey where this is a novel, I can wait a bit for that.

If you cut out some of the reduncancy you'd have me hooked but right now that and the lack of a POV are keeping me from being engaged.

My thoughts:

quote:

Pak is a puppy snatcher. I think the second sentance is better than the first. I'd cut the first. Pak visits bad children in Stokes County, whether teens or toddlers, and steals their good puppies in the night. If the bad child does not have a good puppy, Pak snatches the child instead. Parents who want their bad teen or toddler back must leave a ransom of five good puppies in a basket on their front porch. Of course, Pak snatches the puppies immediately upon deposit on the front porch. Two "snatches" in this paragraph Does Pak give the bad kids back after he takes the 5 puppies?
Puppy-snatching only happens in Stokes County, as far as anyone knows. I'm not sure if you need the first sentance Long-time residents of Stokes County rarely lose their bad children because they keep at least one good puppy per child in the household plus a back-up good puppy. LOL! NICE. That's just GREAT!!! I love this detail.
Stokesians all agree that Pak has a rather cruel sense of humor and cannot be defeated did someone try? .
Except some hint of age - ie 10 year old, or whatever - would be nice here Penny Terese Bouquet.

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

I add my vote to "What is the difference between a good puppy and a bad puppy?" Whether they accidentally pee on the floor or not? Mentally, I got stuck on that.

I also agree that this sounds like a story for very young children by the "good children/puppy" and "bad children/puppy" and the boogie monster snatching bad kids.

Posted by lehollis (Member # 2883) on :

quote:
Pak is a puppy snatcher. |I felt the first sentence was too plain.| Pak visits bad children in Stokes County, whether teens or toddlers, and steals their good puppies in the night. |That line seemed like a better hook.| If the bad child does not have a good puppy, Pak snatches the child instead. Parents who want their bad teen or toddler back must leave a ransom of five good puppies in a basket on their front porch. Of course, Pak snatches the puppies immediately upon deposit on the front porch.

I think everything about the child being taken and ransomed could be left until later.

quote:
Puppy-snatching only happens in Stokes County, as far as anyone knows. Long-time residents of Stokes County rarely lose their bad children because they keep at least one good puppy per child in the household plus a back-up good puppy.
Stokesians all agree that Pak has a rather cruel sense of humor and cannot be defeated. |I don't like this line. It seems too plain. It seems like they'd agree he's a cruel bastard more than they'd agree he has a cruel sense of humor. Nothing so far has indicated that this is all considered humor to Pak.|
Except Penny Terese Bouquet. |This is better. I'm assuming you'll now focus on PTB? Is the middle name necessary, by the way? Just curious.|

I think this is good in concept, but the execution could stand some work. I don't see anything wrong with a narrative of this kind in general. The hook is the puppy-snatcher, but it's not an overwhelming one to me. That being the case, I'm looking for a character to hook me instead. Thus, I think you should whittle the narrative about Pak down to a 2 or 3 sentences and then focus on Penny, make us like her, hook us. Then, you have a character and a goal (and the goal is opposed) and I might be hooked. You could then tell us the rest of the information about Pak through Penny's eyes. Why does Penny feel this way? What are her plans?

Also crossing my mind: why hasn't this county run out of good puppies already? They do grow up, right? Are the imported from somewhere? Is a pet store owner somewhere making millions off the good puppy business?

[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited August 03, 2007).]

Posted by Kristi26 (Member # 6242) on :

I'm going to have to agree with the previous post about the first sentence. It is too plain. The second would be a better start. Also, the word "snatch" is used too often. Maybe you could switch it up a bit and use a different word. Finally, I felt it would add a bit to the last sentence if you mentioned how old Penny is right away.

Good start. It sounds like it will be an interesting story.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

My take:

quote:

Pak is a puppy snatcher. Pak visits bad children in Stokes County, whether teens or toddlers, and steals their [good<-- what does he do with the "bad puppies"?] puppies in the night. If the bad child does not have a good puppy, Pak snatches the child instead. Parents who want their bad teen or toddler back must leave a ransom of five good puppies in a basket on their front porch. Of course, Pak snatches the puppies immediately upon deposit on the front porch.[<--Info dump. This reads more like a synopsis than prose. It started off like it was going to be in Pak's PoV, then pulled way back until it looked like the back of a book, or a movie box.]
Puppy-snatching only happens in Stokes County, as far as anyone knows.[Continues to talk to the reader, dumping uinfo from no PoV.] Long-time residents of Stokes County rarely lose their bad children because they keep at least one good puppy per child in the household plus a back-up good puppy.
Stokesians all agree that Pak has a rather cruel sense of humor

Aside from the "Good" puppy issue:

What makes Pak able to get away with it?

You've got no character we can connect with -- no PoV. At all. This is necessary to hook the reader in any kind of literature, except primers and technical manuals. And primers don't publish (what could be) scary stories.

If you're asking us what we think of the idea, it has some merit -- once you work the bugs out. If you're asking us what we think of this as the beginning of a story...

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 04, 2007).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

If they all knew it was Pak, wouldn't someone have stopped him from snatching children and puppies? Wouldn't the cops (on all levels: city, county, state) be tracking Pak down?

For the same reason that grinches, vampires and weredingoes are hard to catch: they're quick like a bunny and tricky, too. Pak is from Mars.

Posted by palmon (Member # 6240) on :

Why don't you start with a child trying to hide his/her puppy from Pak? Or Pak searching for a puppy to snatch? I think the story has potential. Are you going to tell it from Pak's point of view or that of a child's? I don't see the story line as one for little kids, but your first 13 lines read (to me) as one being written for young ones. You don't really have to decide right now who your audience is - that may become clear as you get more into the story.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

For the same reason that grinches, vampires and weredingoes are hard to catch: they're quick like a bunny and tricky, too. Pak is from Mars.

Hmm.

The Grinch was a character, as was Cindy-loo Who, with a PoV. (And it was illustrated -- adding a little of the cinematic flavor. Will you be illustrating this?) Also, it was written for young children, and did not have horror/scary tones.
I've never heard of a weredingo before, but vampires are legend and myth, and there's precedence. People would not believe they are real, not be apt to say, "Oh, the local vampire has taken a couple of children, we must make a couple of spares." Even Bram Stoker didn't treat them so apethetic.
I didn't read anything about a Martian. This brings up another line of questioning, but doesn't eliminate the Pak-thwarting question I already introduced.

1) Why does he care if alien children are good or bad?

2) How does he know that puppies will have any effect on earth-children?

3) Is this a normal punishment for matrian children?

4) How come no trace evidence turned up alien DNA? And why weren't the proper Government Alien Hunting agencies informed. After How the Grinch stole Christmas and the X Files, you had to have noticed that aliens are always hunted.

5) Why is the alien attacking a specific county?

Hope this has been of some help, and given you an additional line of thinking. Or, as you're more apt to, you can ignore me.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 04, 2007).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

IB, I don't ignore you. Your questions are good, but I counted about 10 questions in your two posts, most of which should be answered, eventually. I'm not sure it is possible to answer so many questions in 13 lines and keep it readable. But even if it is, I don't see any reason to. I have the rest of the story to do that. The first 13 should have enough of a hook to get the reader to read more and more...where all those other questions can be answered in an order that makes sense for the story line. IOW, if I answered all those questions in the first 13, it would be flash fiction instead of a novel.

Keep asking though. Your questions are valid and appreciated. Some must be answered in the first 13 and the rest, elsewhere.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

IB: One other thing: this thread suddenly reappeared after a month's silence. The story has moved ahead quite a bit since then, including the first 13. That's one reason I was trying to let it die down.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

WouldBe, I don't always have time to peruse everything, so, I usually just tackle what grabs my attention. I wasn't meaning to dredge anything up, I noticed this had a little action.

1) Your reply prodded the extra questions.

2) I'm having a similar (plausibility) problem with an alien, and it naturally brought those types of questions.

3) I don't expect all the answers in the first thirteen lines. I expect to be drawn enough into the story -- through a character's PoV -- to read past those thirteen lines. Any combination, or elaboration, on any one of those questions, would probably be enough to hook me.

4) I'm sorry. I didn't mean to imply you were ignoring me, so much as that you should feel free to.

I just wanted to clear that up. Now, if you want, I'll help you let sleeping puppies lie.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 04, 2007).]

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

I'm thinking the way to go is quirkier. Personally, I thought the movie Grinch was really creepy. especially when Cindy Loo was alone in his cave with him, and when they showed actual termites in his teeth. Even as a child, i had thought the termite line was metaphorical; it wasn't until the movie that I was disabused of that notion.

WouldBe, if I don't struck by lightening in the next day or two, I'd be glad to take a look.

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited September 04, 2007).]