"He sat up in the bed, then shook his head in the hope of clearing it. His thoughts were a jumble, but he knew he was in unknown territory. But it did not mean he was in danger. Australia was a safe country far from the dangers of dictators and injustice, so the fear seemed irrational. Still he did not know where he was.
Well it was not the end of the world.
A chill ran through him at that thought. He chastised himself for being so irrational. There was of course a logical explanation for everything, now just to think of the basics. His name, Gavin Llewellyn, second son of Walter and Catherine Llewellyn, and the last thing he remembered was…
Jarryd pouring his drink into the pot plant at Anna’s New Years"
NB A rewritten first 13 can be found further down.
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 24, 2007).]
"But it did not mean he was in danger." It would be much better if it DID mean he was in danger. Why let the tension and momentum out of the story? You have to promise danger/conflict or something engaging to keep the reader reading.
"There was of course an explanation for everything, now just to think of the basics." This does not convey much of a sense of urgency or importance. He might just as well be trying to remember when he should have the oil in his car changed.
"Well it was not the end of the world." Ok, maybe not, but what you are implying to the reader here is that this is not a very big concern. Again, you diminish any tension/conflict by
telling us this.
"A chill ran through him..." Cliche.
"He chastised himself for being so irrational." Actually, if he was irrational or close to it, the story would be more interesting.
Why do we have to know, in the last few lines, his lineage?
The story seems to start with the last line - but even at that someone awaking to a last memory is a cliche.
[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited August 13, 2007).]
Will rewrite when I get a chance,
Thanks again,
Grant
“5, 4, 3, 2, 1 Happy New Year,” Gavin closed his eyes and found Elli May’s lips on his own.
Jarryd did not close his eyes until Lucy had already found his lips, but then he closed them and kissed her. He tried to put thoughts of Jane from his mind, but then gave up and pretended it was her he was kissing.
Toc and his remaining dance partner kissed. Toc savouring his first ever kiss…
Screams snapped the kissing couples back to reality.
Gavin opened his eyes and realised he could not tell the difference.
This may seem a completely different opening, but it is not actually, but at the moment I just want to know, would you turn the page?
Grant
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 24, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited August 27, 2007).]
There's also bit of redundancy here. Two finding of lips (not counting the third at the end), and five uses of the word "kiss".
There is no story question raised or implied. This doesn't work as a character moment to induce me to cozy up to your main character who -- I'm sorry, again, but -- seems to be a jerk. And a common, garden variety kind of jerk.
I think your first idea was better though it was difficult to follow because you seemed to contradict yourself a lot.
Here's my reasoning regarding your opening:
1. Opening a chapter, let alone a novel, with an unknown speaker, and numbers, smacks a bit of a novice attempt to grab attention. You have a great opportunity for some fast main character development.
2. POV: you have an omniscient POV in this opening, so immediately the reader is confused. You have to immediately establish whose story this is and stick with it. There have been many successful exceptions to this rule, but for what I'm assuming is your first novel, you're wise to stick with this rule. Once you've mastered your art, and have a faithful following of readers, then you can break the rules to your heart's content.
In subsequent chapters you can have the POV shift to another character, but for the remainder of that chapter keep your POV tight. I urge you to purchase Card's Characters and Viewpoint, a must have for the novice. It was required reading when I taught creative writing.
3. We seem to have a lot of lost lips wandering around here. :-)Just say: kiss. :-)
4. IMO you could reduce this 13 line opening to fewer, tighter, sharper lines, something like: Just a moment ago Jarryd was delirious with New Year's celebrations, drunk on Lucy's kiss that he pretended was Jane's. His friends, Gavin and Toc, were likewise engaged, Toc for the first time. Then that roar of sound. Then screams. Now darkness as blinding as death.
See where I'm going with that? Right off you establish this is Jarryd's story, he's either mooning over some other girl, or likes to get around, that there's been a distruption. Second sentence implies he's at a party with friends, and implies an age group. Both those first sentences are longer, like a building to a crescendo, which happens with the next triad of short, sharp fragments that echo the tension of the moment. The last fragment ends with the word death, which is a portend, or at the very least establishes jeopardy.
Hope you find this helpful.
Regards,
Lorina Stephens