“Dad, why don’t I look like you?” Eric inquired, as he tended his garden. “Well we ain’t both gonna look the same, you got a bit of me, and a bit your mom in you as well” His hoe broke ground with a sharp hit, and you can tell he knew that’s not what Eric was asking him. “Well which one of you did I get the crooked back from? You and mama don’t seem to have no trouble standing straight, or reaching all the way with your arms. I look a lot like my brothers and sisters, but is hard for me to see you and mom in any of us.” “That you got from the governments. Before they left us to tend to soil on our own, they saw fit to leave some evil behind. Its
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 25, 2007).]
Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :
So third time should be the charm. I am hoping these lines can speak for themselves and draw you in to the story. If you need more background or the jacket description let me know. I was hoping these 13 lines would be enough to at least peek interest and I want to see if they can stand on their own.
Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :
I like the way you capture the different voice of the boy and the man. It makes me wonder how the boy came to be better educated than the father.
What is lacking is a conflict. We seem to be presented with a state of affairs that is not going to change.
Also, the middle clause in the last sentence doesn't work.
Posted by Hunter (Member # 4991) on :
I think more could be hinted at during this exchange.
I'm reading this after Kathleen edited so more may come immediately after, but I think you could get to the hook quicker by removing the father's first response - "Well we ain’t both gonna look the same, you got a bit of me, and a bit your mom in you as well" And have him mention the 'governments' quicker. With this being so dialogue heavy, there can't be any beating around the bush.
Posted by chinchillac (Member # 6185) on :
Okay, I might be coming into this one late, but it doesn't grab me a lot. I like that somehow the child thinks he's a lot different than his parents and his father really doesn't want to talk about it, but if this is the beginning, I don't think it should start out with dialogue. Chastity
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Hookt, I didn't think this was my cuppa when I read the first version, but I am really liking it now. It opens with something immediate and that demonstrates what's been going on, and it also captures something that a lot of people can relate to - when your child asks you difficult and important questions, and you don't like the only honest answer you have for them. If the rest is as good as this, I'd be happy to read. The thought and the heart you are putting into it is really showing. Good job Posted by Hookt_Un_Fonix (Member # 4783) on :
Well thanks for the votes on the dialogue. I am not as good with the dialogue, and have never opened a story with it. It just did not seem to fit right to me. So I am trying to polish this and give it a solid run. As stated in earlier post, I do find it extremely difficult to get a point across, and get information out in a dialogue, at least difficulty getting it out quickly.
I wanted to show the difference in the two, and yes, the boy reads a bit more then his father. I wanted to establish personality but not sacrifice flow. 13 lines, and its hard to push in all the info to hook somebody and still have keep the voice of the character strong.
Any pointers on this would be very welcome. I would even be willing to share more info on the story and lay out the plot for review. This was going to be a short to compliment my novel, but it has taken a life of its own and is really taking the shape of a full length novel.
