Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Elven Heritage (working title) fantasy, rewrite 13 lines

This is topic Elven Heritage (working title) fantasy, rewrite 13 lines in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by chinchillac (Member # 6185) on :

Okay, I'm hoping I did this right this time. I did receive an email from another person with low vission on the document layout thing, but I am still really confused. Anyway, here's the rewrite of the first 13 and am still looking for anyone willing to read the full manuscript.
Chastity

It was the same dream again. It was as if her spirit had been pulled into another reality while her body slept. The sounds of the insects, the feel of the grass under her feet, and the smell of the wind seemed exactly the same as her world. However, there were subtle differences from the real world that she couldn’t explain, a feeling that made her uneasy and wary all at the same time. She had been here before and the first time had frightened her for she had learnt the hard way that whatever happened to you in this place was also true in the waking world. She had told her father a story of falling out of a tree to explain her broken arm, but she had the feeling that he hadn’t believed the tale as the truth.

Posted by Rick Norwood (Member # 5604) on :

Show, don't tell.

Do not move backward and forward in time in the opening paragraph.

Try again.