Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Yao's Dragons

This is topic Yao's Dragons in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

RE-WRITE BELOW

I have two versions of this passage's first paragraph, introducing my MC: what do you think? The third paragraph continues the first 13. All comments welcome...

Ida pulled her rake through the dirt, imagining if her human self could sprout wings. She pictured feathers instead of dragon hide. Her daydream started with a memory of soaring over this garden, and progressed to landing in the village, wearing her own face for everyone to see. Ida pushed the image aside; there was too much longing in it.

Ida pulled her rake through the dirt, imagining her human self sprouting wings. She pictured dragon hide stretched over bone, but scaled down to this body’s size. Her daydream started with a memory of soaring over this garden, and progressed to landing in the village, wearing her own face for everyone to see. Ida pushed the image aside; there would be no planting this year if she didn’t finish her task.

She yanked a weed loose, thanking Yao the Creator for the gift that kept her gnarled hands strong. Lanal, her younger sister, could no longer grip her eating knife or rise from her bed. So many of their age mates were buried behind the village chapel. Ida leaned on the rake, blinking back tears at the thought of loosing Lanal too.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 08, 2007).]

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

I like the first paragraph better. This is why:

quote:
Ida pushed the image aside; there was too much longing in it.

This is much stronger than the ending of the second paragraph. It gives us a greater sense of her personality too and a possible confilct later which would be a hook for me.

quote:
Ida pushed the image aside; there would be no planting this year if she didn’t finish her task.

This one, I think, 'I don't really care if there would be no planting this year.' So my thought is, go with the first, but that's only one person's opinnion. Hope this helps.

Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

I'll just add my vote for the 1st paragraph definitely being the stronger one. Based on these 13, I would absolutely read on.

Posted by tigertinite (Member # 4803) on :

Both starting paragraphs have merit. Which one depends entirely on what you want the reader to know about the character and her surroundings.

If you want to focus on the mundane that becomes extraordinary then the second is better. If you want to emphasize the culture and character's opinion on dreaming then the first is stronger.

Both held my attention long enough that I would continue reading.

(edited to correct spelling)

[This message has been edited by tigertinite (edited September 08, 2007).]

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

Geez. I'm going to be the one to carve out a new path, eh?

I thought the first one was muddled worse, but ended on a clear note (not a hook).

The second one was less muddled, but ended in a passive tone.

The reference to human body is kind-of jarring in the first sentence.

I suggest that you combine the best features of the two:

Ida pulled her rake through the dirt. She imagined herself with dragon's scales instead of flesh, with wings sprouting from her back. She dreamed of flying over this garden, landing in the village square, proffering her true face for all to see. Ida pushed that image aside, there was too much longing in it.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 08, 2007).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

IB, you are right on target. I need to work on approaching the story head-on instead of skirting around its edges. Better?

Ida pulled her rake through the dirt. She remembered flying over this garden the day she became a dragon, ten long years ago. She dreamed of marching into the speaking circle and taking that shape again, to claim her identity before the entire village. Ida pushed that image aside; there was too much longing in it.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited September 08, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 09, 2007).]

Posted by SeraphM (Member # 6250) on :

This last one is much better, IMO, and it makes me want to read further.

Posted by palmon (Member # 6240) on :

I liked the last and would read further. I don't think that the sentence "So many of their age mates were buried behind the village chapel." is needed. Your description of her gnarled hands and how her sister is having troubles holding her knife and cannot rise from her bed, tells me of her coming death from old age. Great descriptions, by the way.

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

quote:

IB, you are right on target. I need to work on approaching the story head-on instead of skirting around its edges. Better?

Much. I like it, and now it's more interesting.

PS - Glad I could help.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited September 09, 2007).]