The paint on the porch was peeling. Not just a little bit, but in huge patches all over the place. Clare sat clasping her hands together to keep from leaning over and pulling it off in long strips. The thought had already occurred to her that she was sitting on the porch of an abandoned house. If it weren’t for the dilapidated furniture she could see through the dirty front window, she would have been sure her aunt no longer lived there.
Clare closed her eyes, trying to decide whether to be enflamed by fury, or engulfed in self-pity. There were too many thoughts swirling around in her brain to truly feel either one.
Did Aunt Abigail even know she was there?
Here is what I understood: Clare, who seems like a youngster to me, is sitting somewhere on the porch, resisting the urge to peel of strips of paint. Her aunt is either supposed to be here, but the house is really abandoned--or she just thinks it is.
I'm not sure why she might feel fury. I'm not sure if the house is abandoned or it just might be, and I'm not sure of Aunt Abigail is really there or not.
Another problem is I felt it was harder to get a solid scene when it started with such a small detail. I didn't know for certain it was a house until the fourth sentence. I think the reader can imagine the scene easier if the description starts large and narrows. So maybe if you simple stated that Clare sat on Aunt Abigail's porch waiting for someone to open the door, then narrowed down to paint, the scene might flow better. Just a thought.
In the first paragraph, Clare seemed like a real youngster--10 years old. In the second, she felt more like a young teenager. I think it has more to do with your treatment of her than actually what she says and does, though the urge to peel paint is something I associate with a younger child. The "The thought had..." sentence is what makes me think she's younger, because it sounds as if the narrator is telling us stuff that Clare can't quite put together herself. In the later paragraph, she's clearly got sharper thoughts and emotions. And because I associate self-pity with teenagers!
It caught my interest though. I would read on.
quote:
The paint on the porch was peeling. Not just a little bit, but in huge patches all over the place. Clare sat clasping her hands together to keep from leaning over and pulling it off in long strips.
I would put Clare in the first sentence, and start it with her being left at her aunts or walking up to the house. Why is she there?
quote:
The thought had already occurred to her that she was sitting on the porch of an abandoned house. If it weren’t for the dilapidated furniture she could see through the dirty front window, she would have been sure her aunt no longer lived there.
Flashback - passive flashback even. If you start the story with her coming up to the porch (as her parent drives off?) she can experience all these doubts as they happen rather than describing it as a flashback using past perfect tense (something I get yelled at about).
quote:
Clare closed her eyes, trying to decide whether to be enflamed by fury, or engulfed in self-pity. There were too many thoughts swirling around in her brain to truly feel either one.
Did Aunt Abigail even know she was there?
I don't know, I'm perfectly capable of feeling self-pity and fury simultaneously. I don't usually passively walk up to potential appropriate emotions and sift through them, deciding which one to put on. Tell us why. She's probably not even angry at the aunt, but at whoever/whatever has landed her in this situation.
Has she knocked on the door? Also, don't know when or where this is, don't know Clare's age.
Writing is good and easy to read. I'd just like to know more on the 'first page' of your manuscript.
All of that said, I like the picture you've painted and am intrigued.
I like your writing and I see some real potential.