Hatrack River Writers Workshop: 13 of 2nd chapter from new writer

This is topic 13 of 2nd chapter from new writer in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Gisele9 (Member # 6528) on :

I loved them. I had always been attracted to outcasts, individuals that hadn’t followed the rules of life, who were unique in their approach to the world. I knew pretty much all their faces. On my cigarette breaks I would sit on the benches with them, sometimes staying long after my shifts had finished. Some chess was played on the park tables and the guys would sit there for hours come sunshine or rain with their tobacco and beer, taking turns to play each other over and over. Although I never saw any of them outside this context I considered them friends in some way and before long found myself there on my days off as well.

Stephan was the regular that I talked to most, a sly chess player always offering me cigarettes and asking about my life.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Why first thirteen of the second chapter? It's a little hard to know what would make sense to a reader at this point since we have no idea what's already been established.

I like the voice and the concept, but I don't have enough grounding on where, when, why, that sort of thing, the basics which I assume would be established in the first chapter.

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

quote:
I loved them.

Who is "them?"

quote:
I had always been attracted to outcasts, individuals that hadn’t followed the rules of life, who were unique in their approach to the world. I knew pretty much all their faces. On my cigarette breaks I would sit on the benches with them, sometimes staying long after my shifts had finished. Some chess was played on the park tables and the guys would sit there for hours come sunshine or rain with their tobacco and beer, taking turns to play each other over and over. Although I never saw any of them outside this context I considered them friends in some way and before long found myself there on my days off as well.

OK. You can rearrange this to make more sense. Like in that first sentence that I objected to, say that the POV character loved the men in the park, the ones who...

quote:
Stephan was the regular that I talked to most, a sly chess player always offering me cigarettes and asking about my life.

I assume if I'm still reading by the second chapter you will have hooked me already. Good thing, because I wouldn't be hooked by this. But that's OK in a second chapter.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

Not bad - however - "...the guys would sit there for hours and come sunshine or rain with their tobacco and beer, (taking turns - this could be deleted) playing each other over and over." This does not ring true. Playing chess takes tremendous concentration and players are not likely to dull their minds with alcohol while playing - especially if they are, as is often the case, playing for money. I'm not saying it doesn't happen, but it would be more believable if they were drinking coffee - a stimulant.

"Stephen was the guy I talked to most, a sly chess player always offering me cigarettes and asking about my life." This is a bit tame, and you are telling us this - why not show it to us through dialogue and characterize him at the same time? Something like:

Pieces flashed over the board in quick succession. Stephen hesitated a moment then picked up his queen and said "checkmate" as he dropped it on a square. His opponent looked stunned. Stephen pulled a pack of smokes from his pocket and took out a cigarette. "I always enjoy a good smoke after mating, how about yourself?" he asked then thrust the pack to me and winked. -

[This message has been edited by nitewriter (edited October 01, 2007).]