Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Other Novel - (start of )- thank you for suggestions

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Posted by Gisele9 (Member # 6528) on :

It was quite ironic the Streets were playing ‘dry your eyes mate’ on the radio when she dumped me. I know I should have been listening to her final goodbye speech, , but when I went to touch her and the lyrics were ‘he tried to pull her close out of sheer desperation’ … it was just all weird.

I watched her drive off in her Peugot and indicate at the end of Clapham High Street. This was another bizarre thought, but it looked weird that she was indicating, kind of cruel. She was driving away thinking she’ll never ever see me again and then thought of indicating. Maybe I’m reading to much into that, though.

So, for some random unknown reason, I’m walking around St. Johns Wood. Don’t ask me why, I’ve never been anwhere posher

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 29, 2007).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

This seems like an interesting beginning to me. Your character seems to have interesting insights, which I like. "Indicating" is an odd word to me, but I think that might be a Britishism?

The switch at the end to present kind of threw me off, since I had assumed the previous events were contemporaneous. Also, I never buy the "For some reason"... if he or she wandered there, he or she wandered there. If he or she was transported there, he was transported there.

Which brings me to...

What genre is this? There's no indication of speculative elements except, perhaps, the odd coincidences. I'm not critiquing the fact that it's not speculative, I just like to know so I don't start trying to read fantasy/ sci fi in between the lines.

(Oh, right, forgive my manners. Welcome to Hatrack! It's nice to see people dive right in.)

[This message has been edited by annepin (edited September 29, 2007).]

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

Hi, Gisele9, and welcome to Hatrack, where my advice is usally confusing!

I like this, there's just a couple of things I think I would change.

quote:
So, for some random unknown reason

I would go for either one or the other. For some random... or: For some unknown...

quote:
but it looked weird that she was indicating,

it seemed weird, or: it was weird? But I like this sentance, I like this.

annepin, what would you call 'indicating?' Singalling? Yes, it is British.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

Yep, "signaling". "Signaled left" or "put on her turn signal." I think it's pretty easy to figure out, though, what's going on.

Posted by meg.stout (Member # 6193) on :

I assume this is a different story from the one you posted the 2nd chapter start for?

quote:
It was quite ironic the Streets were playing ‘dry your eyes mate’ on the radio when she dumped me. I know I should have been listening to her final goodbye speech, , but when I went to touch her and the lyrics were ‘he tried to pull her close out of sheer desperation’ … it was just all weird.

I'd start with the fact of the song, then say "Ironic." Some weird punctuation going on here. Pretend you reader doesn't listen to this music, and don't know anything other than what you put on the paper. For example, I have no idea what era or stereotype you may be trying to convey by citing "The Streets" and "Dry Your Eyes Mate." For all I know, you made them up.

Also, I'm being lazy and assuming your POV character is male, but in today's interestingly configured society, you might want to specify gender. And try to give us someone's name. She's breaking up with POV character. It'd be easy to slip in some vocative interjection on her part to give us the name.

quote:
I watched her drive off in her Peugot and indicate at the end of Clapham High Street. This was another bizarre thought, but it looked weird that she was indicating, kind of cruel. She was driving away thinking she’ll never ever see me again and then thought of indicating. Maybe I’m reading to much into that, though.

If I was sufficiently well-traveled, I probably know that in Australia (I'm presuming) 'indicate' means what 'signal' means in my neck of the woods. Avoid the need to translate by saying "the indicator lights blinked as she approached the end of Clapham..."

I didn't get the cruelty in her indicating. For most people it's either habit or they don't indicate. Doesn't matter that no one would see but him. He could interpret it as cruel, but then you have to explicitly go into his preception that he's the only one who can see the lights, that she seems to be doing this on purpose, "Right turn, away from you, chap..." Whatever.

quote:
So, for some random unknown reason, I’m walking around St. Johns Wood. Don’t ask me why, I’ve never been anwhere posher

I don't know St. Johns Wood is posh. So why is a girl driving a Peugeot recently hooked with a guy who presumably is a low life? And why would she dump him in the middle of a strange neighborhood at night? (These are not necessarily questions that make me want to read on.)

Meh. OK, but it doesn't draw me in.

[This message has been edited by meg.stout (edited September 30, 2007).]

Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

I love this part: "I watched her drive off in her Peugot and indicate at the end of Clapham High Street. This was another bizarre thought, but it looked weird that she was indicating, kind of cruel. She was driving away thinking she’ll never ever see me again and then thought of indicating. Maybe I’m reading to much into that, though." Without saying "I was hurting," you're really showing it there. Now I feel it, too. Generally this is well written. I like the flow very much. You do use "weird" in paragraph one and two. I'd read on.