Winds of change brought the old Scorpions song to mind
When he was a very small boy, Draga had understood the language
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited October 03, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 04, 2007).]
quote:
In the dark, a child's laughter sparked and echoed off the cave walls, and a dragon stirred and opened one gleaming eye. It had been a long winter in hell that he had been caught between sleep and waking, imprisoned by his own ennui and overly sated appetites. But new game had begun to stir; a new pawn to be thrust across the world board. Nurtured carefully along and played well, this pawn would confound both his old mates and his most bitter enemies, and rejuvenate the Dragon's lust for blood and death.
I know you know enough to understand the cost and return on not naming characters early, and since the italicized part appears to be a prologue, I think it is fine.
However, I was confused by one switch. It moved from "a dragon" to "he". So it goes from generic and non-specific, to specific. That threw me off, because I wasn't sure who the "he" referred to in the second paragraph.
"Gleaming eye" bothered me because you specify that its in the dark. I guess things in the dark could gleam, but it usually implies a light somewhere for the gleaming to happen. Does that make sense? I guess it depends on how dark it is.
And as a matter that is strictly style, laughter and sparked didn't match up well for me. I guess I prefer descriptions that match--visual with visual, auditory with auditory. As I said, though, that's more of a matter of style and preference.
quote:
A long, forked tongue snaked out to taste the winds of change. Soon, he would call his most useful servant, and begin to set the pieces in motion.
Winds of change brought the old Scorpions song to mind
quote:
When he was a very small boy, Draga had understood the language of horses. The strong, spare music of their speech had flowed around him everywhere except the chambers of his Father's castle.
I think "very" is somewhat subjective, not really adding much to the description of small boy.
So when he was young, he was around a lot of horses all the time, except when he was in his father's castle? If that's correct, I don't have a problem with the last line. That's the impression it gave me.
These are small nits. None of these break the story. It's a good opening. The prologue promises us a dragon, which has lots of potential for fun, and a child in a cave, which is scary, and then the beginning of an interesting character.
[This message has been edited by lehollis (edited October 03, 2007).]
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Lehollis, you just gave me the dragon's name. Scorpyos. Scorpios? Being a scorpio myself, that seemed just too good to pass up. Thanks, and thanks for the comments. Of course, you know dragons glow with their own inner fire, right?
I'm glad my musings actually led to something. In honor of the dragon, I've got The Scorpions playing on my iTunes now
Interestingly, some scorpions do glow under a blacklight.
Later on, I might have time to get you more...
Q, Casper, Rodham?
I'm not good at this. Never mind.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited October 04, 2007).]
quote:
In the dark, a child's laughter sparked and echoed off the cave walls, and a dragon stirred and opened one gleaming eye. It had been a long winter in hell that he had been caught between sleep and waking, imprisoned by his own ennui and overly sated appetites. But new game had begun to stir;
I like this, although as always I'm itching to rearrange words...
quote:
...a new pawn to be thrust across the world board. Nurtured carefully along and played well, this pawn would confound both his old mates and his most bitter enemies, and rejuvenate the Dragon's lust for blood and death.
You've gone all omniscient on me here. I'd prefer a flicker of dragonish tongue and hint that the scaly beast is deeply satisfied with this development, beyond the mere satisfaction of sating his hunger.
quote:
A long, forked tongue snaked out to taste the winds of change. Soon, he would call his most useful servant, and begin to set the pieces in motion.
OK, so I wanted the tongue just a moment before it magically appeared. The business of "most useful servant, and begin to set the pieces in motion" is omniscient again.
quote:
When he was a very small boy, Draga had understood the language of horses. The strong, spare music of their speech had flowed around him everywhere
I assume Draga is the little boy the dragon was salivating over in the prior piece, but it would be nice to tie these two together somehow.
(1) I don't really think of laughter sparking.
(2) I love the one eye opening and lighting up the cave. Nice visual.
(3) I'd add a period and start a new sentence with "He had been...
(4) First, the pawn is thrust, then he is nurtured. It contradicts itself.
(5) Like lehollis said, the Scorpions song. That's the first thing I thought.
(6) Very interesting. I can't wait to find out who the servant is and the rest of the story for that matter. Good job.
Ooh, this is turning into a novel.
For the first thirteen, you've got a couple of your lengthy sentences there that would have much greater impact if you shortened some of them.
A[/i} child's laughter sparked and echoed off the cave walls[i]. In the dark, a dragon stirred and opened one gleaming eye. For a long hellish winter, he had been caught between sleep and waking, imprisoned by his own ennui and overly sated appetites. But new game had begun to stir; there was a new pawn to be thrust across the world board. Nurtured carefully along and played well, this pawn would confound both his old mates and his most bitter enemies, and rejuvenate the Dragon's lust for blood and death. nice; I like this look inside the dragon's head, so we know what it really thinks and not just what it tells Draga later.
Very nice. Be sure to keep me in mind when you need readers (not that I haven't bugged you a bunch about this already).