Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Pendant of Protection- First Thirteen

This is topic Pendant of Protection- First Thirteen in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000230

Posted by dienstag (Member # 5696) on :

Adler swept his wet hair out of his face to better see his target.
"So that’s D, huh?" he thought. All the stories he had heard about the assassin rushed though his head as well as his numerous nicknames. "Dagger D? Dauntless D? Deadly D? Deranged D? Devilish D? Dour D?" He laughed inside and wondered why he had been afraid. "More like dainty D."
The man he was watching looked odd but not the least bit dangerous. He was perched on a log by a fire, a book in one hand and piece of fruit in the other. His trademark bandana that usually covered his white eye was pulled back, obviously for reading purposes. Pointed teeth pierced the pomegranate, and he licked the running red off his lower lip as he turned

[This message has been edited by dienstag (edited October 05, 2007).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited October 07, 2007).]

Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :

quote:

Adler swept his wet hair out of his face to better see his target.
"So that’s D, huh?" he thought. All the stories he had heard about the assassin rushed though his head as well as his numerous nicknames. "Dagger D? Dauntless D? Deadly D? Deranged D? Devilish D? Dour D?" ***He laughed inside and wondered why he had been afraid. "More like dainty D."
The man he was watching looked odd but not the least bit dangerous. He was perched on a log by a fire, a book in one hand and piece of fruit in the other. His trademark bandana that usually covered his white eye was pulled back, obviously for reading purposes. Pointed teeth pierced the pomegranate, and he licked the running red off his lower lip as he turned the page. The beating rain seemed not to trouble the assassin in the least.

First off, this did hook me, but toward the ending:
Right here (***) is where the interest picks up for me. The proverbial 'ears pricked up' moment happened right there. I think the idea of this fellow with a white eye, pointy teeth, and a pomegranate and a book in the rain is just such an interesting mix of symbolic elements I couldn't help but find myself interested.

The very first sentence, if I understand right, is there to establish the rain because the guy's hair is wet. But I assumed, as a reader, that it was wet for some other reason, so the rain surprised me later on.

The rain doesn't bother our Dainty D - but what about that book he's reading?

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I really liked it. The images were very strong. I loved the fact that D was eating a pomagranite. I don't know why, it just seems so unique. Good work.
My only nit was, when the MC is listing off the various nicknames he had heard for D, I don't think there should be question marks. It should be italicized and just seperated with commas. Or, if you really want to give it a choppy feel, you can have each name end with a period, but not a question mark. It just didn't read right that way.
But, there is a real hook here for me.

Posted by hteadx (Member # 6563) on :

quote:
Adler swept his wet hair out of his face to better see his target.

I like it. It's direct and you're beginning to establish a POV for the scene.

quote:
"So that’s D, huh?" he thought. All the stories he had heard about the assassin rushed though his head as well as his numerous nicknames. "Dagger D? Dauntless D? Deadly D? Deranged D? Devilish D? Dour D?" He laughed inside and wondered why he had been afraid. "More like dainty D."

Some mechanic problems but nothing major: The quotations, the question marks, etc... I would question if it's neccessary to list so many nicknames, but that's just a personal style issue.

quote:
The man he was watching looked odd but not the least bit dangerous. He was perched on a log by a fire, a book in one hand and piece of fruit in the other. His trademark bandana that usually covered his white eye was pulled back, obviously for reading purposes. Pointed teeth pierced the pomegranate, and he licked the running red off his lower lip as he turned the page. The beating rain seemed not to trouble the assassin in the least.

You've jumped back in your narrative distance. Why? It's not a major fault, but I would keep the narrative closer to Adler's POV. It's just a difference in styles.

Here is my quick edit

quote:

Adler swept his wet hair out of his face to better see his prey.
So that’s D, he thought. The stories he had heard about the assassin rushed though his head as well as his numerous nicknames. Dagger D, Dauntless D, Deadly D... He laughed inside and wondered why he had been afraid. More like dainty D.
Adler sized up the man. D was perched on a log by a fire, a book in one hand and piece of fruit in the other. His trademark bandana, that usually covered his white eye, was pulled back. Pointed teeth pierced the pomegranate, and he licked the running red off his lower lip. He continued to read, un-fazed by the rain.

[This message has been edited by hteadx (edited October 07, 2007).]

Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :

I, too, wondered how the book was holding up in the rain, especially since it seems like a fairly heavy rain. If the rain is heavy enough to soak a man's hair, wouldn't it be making the ink run and the pages wet and likely to tear?

Posted by dienstag (Member # 5696) on :

Thanks for the comments everyone. I really appreciate them.

On the nicknames, I'm listing so many as to show the different "versions" of D that come out of embellishment.

The issue of the rain is actually addressed in the very next sentence.

If anyone is willing to read more, let me know.

Posted by hteadx (Member # 6563) on :

Hey I'm willing to take a look at what you got. I'm currently putting aside my MS for a couple of days before I start to edit it. So, I have some free time.
Just email me what you feel comfortable with.