An inky, fetid darkness had slithered into corners of the room and curled into pools on the dirt floor. A puddle of dull, yellow light fell over the figure of a woman on a stained cot. A thin sheet covered her, arms and legs jutted from the sheet, trying desperately to find a bit of coolness in the oppressive heat. The smell was nauseating; the metal, sticky smell of blood, feces and a residue of disinfectant. Her name was Nadia. She was young and had once been beautiful. Her face, now crusted with oozing sores, was piteous. She moaned, her breath coming in low pants, like a desert tiger. She was delirious with fever, burning with an illness she could not name or escape.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
I think it's well written, but I don't like it better than the original. I think because I feel the scene is less clear in the omniscient, in the other one I felt I was in the doctor's pov, somewhat, and that gave me a reference point. And he gave some "action," or "movement," as I like to say, to the scene.
Better job making me nauseas this time, but for that very reason I wouldn't read on, I'm just not compelled to a story when my first exposure is feces and nastiness.
But that's not anything against your writing.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited October 16, 2007).]
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
You should have revised this in the original post, editing the first to tell people to scroll down for a rewrite.
My take:
quote: An inky, fetid darkness had slithered into corners of the room and curled into pools on the dirt floor.[<--A little flowery, but nice. Though, this is the second time I've had the understanding that the darkness is sentient.] A puddle of dull, yellow light fell over [the figure of<--Don't need] a woman on a stained cot. A thin sheet covered her[.] [Her a]rms and legs jutted from the sheet, trying desperately to find a bit of coolness in the oppressive heat. The smell was nauseating[To whom?]; the metal[,<--move this after the word "sticky"] sticky[,] smell of blood, feces and a residue of disinfectant. Her name was Nadia.[<--Who knows this? Who are they telling?-->] She was young and had once been beautiful. Her face, now crusted with oozing sores, was piteous. She moaned, her breath coming in low pants[, like a desert tiger<--Eh? IMO drop this.]. She was delirious with fever[, burning with an illness she could not name or escape<--This seems a bit redundant].
What happened to the doctor? I thought this was being viewed by him.
Hope this helps.
Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
"The smell was nauseating, the metal, (replace with metallic) smell of blood..." Telling us the smell was nauseating is less effective than showing the effect. Have a character wretch, or struggle with the reflex to wretch, from the odor.
"...crusted with oozing sores, was piteous." Again, no need to point out she was piteous - we know this from the description. That she is piteous could be better put across by telling us of the reaction of someone seeing her.
You might consider replacing "oozing sores" with "pustules" - saves a word while ratcheting up the "ewww" factor.
Posted by Violet Blue (Member # 6643) on :
Thanks for the feedback, I appreciate your taking the time to respond.
VB
Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :
It's well-written, but offputtingly nauseous. Be careful not to put your readers off.