“Happy New Year,” Gavin closed his eyes and found Elli May’s lips on his own.
Screams snapped the kissing couple back to reality.
Gavin opened his eyes and realised he could not tell the difference.
There were no lights; the music was playing too fast. People were still screaming. Irrational panic suddenly bloomed within him. And then five flames flared into being. They lit the room in an eerie way that Gavin though was much worse than complete darkness.
Then Gavin realised one of the flames was floating on the palm of his hand…
But it was not a flame, it was the sun, and it was not on his
Let me know if you would read on,
Grant John
PS Slightly reworked version below.
[This message has been edited by Grant John (edited November 15, 2007).]
My take:
quote:
“Happy New Year,” Gavin closed his eyes and found Elli[e?] May’s lips [on his own.<--Weird phrasing. Maybe: with his?]
[Screams snapped<--[Distracted me. I paused to go, huh? Screams snapped? Maybe: Screams disrupted the kissing couple.] the kissing couple back to reality.
Gavin opened his eyes and realised he could not tell the difference [The difference between what and what?].
There were no lights; the music was playing too fast[Like someone speeded it up?]. People were still screaming.<--[Why? What kind of screaming? For the blackout? For the performing band? Is a killer running through the crowd with a chainsaw?] Irrational panic suddenly bloomed within him.<--[Huh? What's he thinking that's "irrational" and "panicked"? Feeling?] [And then<--I don't think you need these two words. F]ive flames flared into being.[Where? In the middle of the floor? Hovering outside the windows?] They lit the room in an eerie way that Gavin though[t?] was much worse than complete darkness.
Then Gavin realised one of the flames was floating on the palm of his hand… [How does he notice the flames, but not know one is in his hand?]
But it was not a flame, it was the sun, and it was not on his
There are a few flaws, which I haven't pointed out:
1) What happened to Elli[e] May?
2) I only know that is a room when you say "They lit the room in an eerie way". It's too vague to formulate a picture. That seems to be a common problem: The band is playing too fast? How? For his taste? What kind of music are they playing? And wouldn't the lights being out (so that--I'm assuming--Gavin can't tell the difference between his eyes being open and closed) affect the band's timing, rhythm, cues, and the overall playing of their instruments and approaching the microphones? What gives Gavin the impression that the light is "eerie"?
3) Though the last line has a hook, it comes from out of the blue--no pun inteded--and seems extremely disjointed. While I might a read a page, based on exploring the idea of sun floating on the palm of his hand, it would be tentatively.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 14, 2007).]
quote:
“Happy New Year,” Gavin closed his eyes and found Elli May’s lips on his own. is he surprised that she's kissing him? "found" seems to imply he wasn't expecting the kiss, to me
Screams snapped the kissing couple back to reality.I'm with IB here, I understand what you mean but maybe this could be phrased more clearly.
Gavin opened his eyes and realised he could not tell the difference. again with IB here, maybe rephrase this too
There were no lights redundant with your last statement, no?; the music was playing too fastThis is the first mention of any sort of music. People were still screamingthey were screaming before? since when?. Irrational panic suddenly bloomed within himpanic, in this circumstance, might not be irrational...not sure equating panic with a flower (bloom) is the best WC. Andpersonal peeve - I hate sentences that start with "and" unless it's an intentional stylistic choice then five flames flared the alliteration here throws me off a little from the action into being. They lit the room in an eerie way that Gavin though was much worse than complete darkness.maybe show us what he's thinking, instead of telling us?
Then Gavin realised one of the flames was floating on the palm of his hand…makes me wonder how large these flames are, and why is his palm facing in an orientation that lets a flame float on it? nitpicky, i know, but I don't usually walk around palms-up
But it was not a flame, it was the sunthen why tell us it was a flame?, and it was not on his
I think the premise is very intriguing, and there is definitely a hook present. What I think this could use is some polishing up, because I'd like to keep reading to find out what's going on, but as a reader I'm being jerked in too many directions at once, especially for the first 13 of a story. Maybe it would help to get more intimate with Gavin's thoughts and his perception of what's going on. it should be a really exciting scene, but it's falling a little flat right now for me.
Hope that helps, keep at it!
[This message has been edited by Caliban (edited November 14, 2007).]
“Happy New Year,” Gavin closed his eyes and felt Elli May’s lips touch on his own.
Screams ruined the moment.
Gavin opened his eyes, before realising that he could not tell the difference.
There were no lights; the CD player was playing the music backwards. People were still screaming. Elli May was no longer in his arms. He reached out in her general direction before five flames flared appeared in the utter darkness. The sudden light blinded Gavin for a second.
Then he realised one of the flames was floating on the palm of his hand…
But it was not a flame, it was the sun, and it was not on his