Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Query letter: Ghosts in the Machine

This is topic Query letter: Ghosts in the Machine - again. in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

Here's the thing; I've had three rejections, two encouraging ones and one that came back as a slip of paper with a brief message saying something about 'not being in tune with our list.' I'd like some thoughts on whether the query I've been using is ok. I'll post the original, then a version without one of the paragraphs. I'll like to know which people think would be better. Thank you in advance.

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The original:

Zeb would be a typical teenager of his time, if only he had his memories. Matula is a Xyloid, a being of light and energy and wishes to be human again by stealing Zeb’s body. Ms Silvers, Zeb’s human mentor, and her brother want to bring about an end to a peace process.

Zeb is sent to a space station, the Wheel, in attempt to stop a war between feuding worlds. He must make friends with his peers, strange hybrid humans, in order for that to happen. Driven on by visions of his past, he is unaware that Matula has the power to give and take his memories at will. His search to know more about the Wheel leads him to the ghosts in the machine – the Xyloid.

Ghosts in the Machine is an adventure that explores how enemies can become most unlikely allies regardless of the colour of their skin or shape of their body. While he searches for his identity, Zeb discovers the meaning of true friendship, and learns that people can change for the better.

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A version without the middle paragraph:

Edite to add: Or if you have any other suggestion, please say.

[This message has been edited by darklight (edited November 15, 2007).]

Posted by RobertB (Member # 6722) on :

What's the significance of the xyloid wanting to be human again? It comes over as confusing.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Hey darklight.

I think it's the first paragraph that is the problem for me. There are a lot of names in those two lines and you don't give me any connections between them. The whole feel of the query is very list-y or bullet points.

I'm left wondering what Ms. Silvers and her brother have to do with anything, what war, why does he need to make freinds with the hybrid humans, what visions of his past?

There's no real conflict and no hint of the real antagonist.

Maybe something like:

Zeb's life before his arrival at the international space station is blank. He has no memory of family or home until dreams of something that might be his life start haunting him. When he tries to figure out if the visions are real he discovers the ghosts in the machine - the Xyloid - a race of children's spirits that have evolved into beings of light and energy.

Guided by ____, a Xyloid who hopes to stop the coming war between the humanoid races, Zeb . . ..

Posted by darklight (Member # 5213) on :

Wow, kings_falcon, I'd never looked at it like that, thank you. I sent out my query package today, but I will definately change that next time (if indeed I need a next time

)

I don't want to mention the war too much, as it isn't mentioned until the end of the story, but I will use your suggestions to better this query.

Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :

Welcome - good luck.