I've written a 130,000-word/10-chapter mystery romance, but I'm still editing, at this point primarily deleting or condensing select scenes.
Here are the first 13 lines. I would appreciate your input.
I awakened to heavy rain, its din and dim having lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional.
Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning? I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with lugubrious pleasure, the phone rang, its cheerful tone an annoying contrast to the mood I was intent on creating.
“Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked through the receiver. “Can you come up to my suite, oh please. . . .”
I turned off the radio, the morose music too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster.
“It’s gone, Ruth! My painting—my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
I awakened to heavy rain, its din and dim having lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional.
Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning? I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with lugubrious pleasure, the phone rang, its cheerful tone an annoying contrast to the mood I was intent on creating.
“Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked through the receiver. “Can you come to my suite, oh please. . . .”
I turned off the radio, the morose music too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster.
“It’s gone, Ruth! My painting—my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
quote:
I awakened to heavy rain(.) (I)ts din (and dim ? Not sure what this means -- the dark sky?) having lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional.
Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning? I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with lugubrious (I don't know what this word means -- well I do, but many may not-- choose a simpler word if possible) pleasure, the phone rang, its cheerful tone ( I have never found phones ringing to be a cheerful sound -- usually annoying -- but that may be me!) an annoying (I thought it was cheerful?)contrast to the mood I was intent on creating.
“Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked (crackled?) through the receiver. “Can you come up to my suite, oh please. . . .”
I turned off the radio, the morose music too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster.
“It’s gone, Ruth! My painting(space) —(space)my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
I liked the mood you were trying to set. Your describe things nicely and you establish a good voice. Not very hooky, the beginning is very slow, saved by your prose. I must say the laziness you describe made me think this was a young person until the '..frail bones..' bit. You say this is a mystery romance -- I thought this site was for speculative fiction, ie. sci-fi, horror, fantasy. Your story doesn't seem to contain any -- does it come later?
I would read on, although not entirely hooked by a lost/stolen painting. I do like the prose, although it is possibly a bit flowery for my taste.
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 15, 2007).]
quote:
I awakened to heavy rain, [its din and dim having<--Replace with: which] lulled me to sleep through breakfast and my morning constitutional. ["Din" usually refers to loud noises, which wouldn't easily lull anyone to sleep.]Why not wallow in melancholy on such a dismal morning?<--This is laying it on a little thick.] I reached to turn on the radio, my frail bones protesting, but the somber strains of a Chopin ballad rewarded my effort. As I sank back into my pillows with [lugubrious pleasure<--How can you have mournful, dsmayed pleasure? All the depressing adjectives are making this a little redudant and thick.], the phone rang, its cheerful tone[Eh? Is it a cell phone?] an annoying contrast to the mood I was intent on creating. You've lost me here. All I've read so far is about someone who wants to be depressed on a rainy day. Sorry, but not interesting.]
“Oh, Ruth!” Camilla’s voice cracked through the receiver. “Can you come to my suite, oh please. . . .”
I turned off the radio, the [morose music<--redundant] too weak an accompaniment to what I already knew was true disaster[Why, did she steal the painting?].
“It’s gone, Ruth! My painting—my Cassatt—it’s gone.”
IMHO start with the phone call. If I glanced at something that started out depressing and just got more oppressive, I wouldn't make it to the phone, which is the hook.
Hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by wrenbird (edited November 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited November 15, 2007).]
quote:
I totally envisioned an old 19th century British man, until the telephone rings and then we find the MC's name is Ruth. Huh?
Ditto Wrenbird on this.
Also, I agree with the comment about the MC sounding like a guy (unfortunately, we live a double-standard society in which not all readers view it as equally fine for a male or a female to discuss taking a "morning constitutional".)