As Aram walked down the dusty street, he stopped and took a left, entering a bazaar. Hunger is an all time high and he was used to stealing. It was necessity, and if the merchants did not want to give him food, then he would take it. Some merchants seceded, some did not. But in this world, you can not be soft, especially if you live on the streets. If you refused to fight, steal, and exploit for survival, then you would die in a matter of months, or weeks. So ever since he was six, abandoned and burning with the Arabian heat, Aram took the reins of his life and did everything and anything that he must do to survive. He had seen all the dark sides of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 20, 2007).]
This needs tightening up, IMO.
quote:
As Aram walked down the dusty street, he stopped and took a left, entering a bazaar.(Why not: Aram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. Why does he have to stop and turn--seems a bit robotic.) Hunger is (was) (an all time high) (commonplace)and (he was used to stealing)(Something more active -- 'but Aram didn't plan on going hungry, his hands were swift, etc.). (It was necessity, and -- cut) If the merchants did not want to give him food, then he would take it. Some merchants (seceded)(Unusual word -- cahnge to something simpler -- accepted this, etc.), some did not. (But in this world, you can not be soft, especially if you live on the streets)(It was hard life on the streets). If you (refused to) (didn't)fight, steal, and exploit (for survival-cut), then you would die in a matter of months, or (even)weeks. (So ever since he was six, abandoned and burning with the Arabian heat,) Aram took the reins of his life and did everything and anything (Abandoned at six, Aram had done everything and anything to survive./b](that he must do to survive--[b]cut). He had seen (all--cut) the dark side(s-cut) of life: he had been with drug dealers and hit-men, slave masters and gangs. But everything pointed to one simple fact: you are much safer alone.
Not real hook yet. He's hungry and has had a hard life. We know he is planning to steal something but it seems removed. Perhaps you should start with him spying an item he plans to steal. Then we could feel his anxiety building etc. It would be more hooky.
Adam
[This message has been edited by skadder (edited November 21, 2007).]
I'll take a look at the chapters for you, if you're in no hurry for a reply.
[This message has been edited by Gibran (edited November 21, 2007).]
Aram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. As he walked near a fruit stand, the vendor eyed him warily. Well, that was fine. Aram knew he made an immediate urchin-looking sight. He was a skinny twenty-one-year-old with clothes too big for him and bags under his auburn eyes. His face was tight and stretched; black hair ruffled and dirty. Aram returned the stare, showing insult. The vendor then shrugged and continued what he was doing. It was an old, cheap trick. The vendor was pretending to be unwary, but his senses were searching, waiting for Aram’s move. That didn’t make any difference though; he would also play along. Aram began taking coins out of his pocket. The vendor looked up, an eagerness ignited in his eyes. Aram put the coins on the counter; the
Note from Kathleen:
If you select the edit icon (the little pencil and piece of paper icon which is the one on the right of the icons at the top of each post) and look at this post in the reply/edit text box, you should see that what I have left after cutting exactly fills the box.
The reply/edit text box has been set to hold exactly 13 lines of 12-point courier font (manuscript format) text.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited November 27, 2007).]
Much better. But still needs some work. Try and opt for the simpler ways of saying things rather than the complicated version.
quote:
Baghdad: 7/29/2056, 1:00pmAram turned down the dusty street and wandered into the bazaar. As he walked near a fruit stand, the vendor eyed him warily. Well, that was fine. Aram knew he made an immediate urchin-looking sight.What's an "immediate urchin-looking sight"? For that matter, what's an "immediate sight"? He was a skinny twenty-one-year-old with clothes too big for him and bags under his auburn eyes. His face was tight and stretched Not sure what you mean--maybe the skin of his face?; black hair ruffled and dirty.A lot of description to slip in here when we haven't even gotten the story moving. Aram returned the stare, showing insult. The vendor then shrugged and continued what he was doing.Which was what, exactly? When we first meet the vendor he's already checking Aram out. It was an old, cheap trick. The vendor was pretending to be unwary, but his senses were searching This makes it sound like the vendor is using psi powers or something., waiting for Aram’s move. That didn’t make any difference though; he would also play along. Aram began taking coins out of his pocket. The vendor looked up, an eagerness ignited in his eyes. Aram put the coins on the counter; the
I like that Aram is involved in some action. I like his nonchalant attitude. I'm assuming that he does this sort of thing all the time, and he's lived on the streets his whole life.
What doesn't work for me is that there's no real hook here. I might give it a few pages, but I'd be looking for something to come up pretty soon.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited November 27, 2007).]