Okay, I'll be the first since I seem to have my black hat on today.
While I am sure this story is important to you, especially if the "Dad" is really your dad, so far you are telling us about him. Show us how wonderful he is by having him interact and act rather than having people tell us about him.
All of these wonderful stories about him and his life can wait until we care about the MC and understand why these flashbacks are important.
You sort of have the Big Fish feel going to this and I could like it a lot (I did for Big Fish . In the movie, they showed us the son going home to see his estranged father before he died. As the two reconciled and the son came to terms with his father's approaching death, the audience was shown the father's stories. It was very effective and moving.
Give me some of the frame story first - why is the son telling this to us - before you dive into the past.
Good luck.
[This message has been edited by kings_falcon (edited December 13, 2007).]
Your attention is appreciated.
I do agree with your position, I hoped that personal interaction of conversation would cover it a little, but I guess I can try harder at that…
Any thing else???
I can see nothing wrong with the paragraph, but instinct tells me it may be offered a little too early. Consider opening with a different paragraph, an interesting incident involving the MC so that the reader gets to know him and empathize with him.
I really like nostalgic pieces having written a few primarily to maintain records of family events. Good luck with this.
Give me a setting and a bit about why the narrator is telling me this.
Something like:
I couldn't help thinking about William Brown, the man I only ever thought of as my father as I cleaned out his house. Picking up a faded photo album full of people I didn't know, I realized I never knew my father at all.
**
Now I know why I am being told the story, why the MC is thinking about this now. You don't need to spend a whole lot of lines on establishing the frame but give me some reason to follow the narrator as he explores his father's life.
Good luck
[This message has been edited by phewi3 (edited December 09, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by phewi3 (edited December 09, 2007).]
If the son is looking at the obituary, tell me that. I need to be routed in time and place first and then I can care about the narrator's father.
Why is the son going on this journey through his father's life?
"Back in my day we used to get an orange for Christmas and be happy and SURPEISED." I don't know if this is a cliche, but the tenor of it certainly is. Give us something more original, something with more impact, something very telling about the people involved.
I agree with the above.
If you move the first line further down, and start with the second:
“He was born in 1918, lived through the Depression, worked in the Civilian Conservation Corps and served in WW2.
But there’s so much more to say than what was printed in the obituary about my Dad.
My Dad.
He never did rise up from obscurity, but someone, at some point must have told him to “Be a man!”
When Dad was only 10 years old, Grandpa couldn’t work anymore, and my Dad decided to quit school and become a scavenger.”
-It was the dad, not the grandpa that became the scavenger, right?
I LOVE novelized family histories, especially when they’re based in actual truth! I’m excited to see what’s on the next page, and I think it’d only take a little tightening polish what you’ve got.
Bree
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 19, 2007).]
The story about my dad wasn't in the obit, he shot himself in the heart as he sat in the garage...this was after a self sustaining life profiding for his sisters and brothers and mom; working hard in the CCC, excelling in the Army Aircorp and as a husband and father. Somehow I just couldn't get it all in the first 13 lines and I'm unwilling to start the story at the end...
....but thanks. I feel like I have been helped. Good Job!
The triggering event - the call and travel as an example - is part of the frame story. It is what causes you to delve into his past and try to figure out why he felt compelled to do what he did. The reader doesn't have to know the details of the death until you closed the interior story and rejoined the frame at the end - ex arriving at the house and the funeral.
If the frame story is the son trying to reconcile the act of his father taking his own life with the man his father also was trust the readers to follow along. In fact, it's a compelling story. Let the reader know why you are on this journey and we'll go along with you.