i have been looking for ways to bridge the separate incidents in the novel I'm working on, which sometimes makes great jumps in time and perspective. Would this opening interest you? Would it interest you if you knew the new patient was Dracula?
In a small apartment near the Hospital Salpetriere in Paris, the doctor is surprised by the soft sounding of his door knocker. It is a polite knock, not timid, but no louder than it needs to be to attract his attention. He has no scheduled patients, and he approaches the door with curiosity, wondering who is calling so long past the dinner hour on such a snowy night. On the stoop waits a man alone. He wears a thin cape, leather gloves, no hat, seeming impervious to the cold. His eyes are black, rimmed round with lashes to thick it almost looks as if someone has drawn circles around them with Egyptian kohl. His hair hangs in a long, thick plait down his back, his boots are a dark, butter-soft leather, laced up to his knees. His German is flawless, his glance both hopeful and cautious.
[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited December 15, 2007).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited December 17, 2007).]
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
Fantastic, IMHO. I could visualize every single thing you wrote, as if I were watching it on a movie. I would totally read on.
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
If your'e going to make a "great jump in time or perspective", this is a grand way to do it. You establish a strong scene and atmosphere which should immerse the reader in this time and perspective no matter what has gone before.
"On the stoop waits a man alone." --A nice style of English which, together with the long, patiently observant sentences around, contributes to establishing the period setting.
"no hat, seeming impervious" I don't know the grammatical reason why, but I feel that "seeming" should be either "and seems" or "seemingly". (Or maybe this is a US/Brit English thing.)
"with lashes to thick" >> so thick?
The idea of Dracula visiting Freud for help is wild!
Pat
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
Looks like a winner. Which book club is picking this up?
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I agree, this is very thick, rich stuff! Well done.
Edit: to answer some of your other questions:
Yes, it does interest me because I know the patient is Dracula (I think most people will be able to make the leap from Dragul to Dracula). And having read the other opening, I like this one better. There's a crisp quality to it, not as chaotic as the other opening, and it allows a cleaner entry, I think, since it's easier to engage with.
[This message has been edited by annepin (edited December 15, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
thanks you guys. I have been getting just ripped on another site for the first two chapters, which is okay, because this will be better, but sucks because my ego can only take so much bruising at a time. It sounds like i'm on the right track, though.
Posted by sephina (Member # 5596) on :
I agree it is a good opener, but I'm a little curious how the doctor would know the leather boots are butter soft unless he reached down to touch them. Might just be knit picking. It is a good hook for an excellent premise.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
maybe i should say the leather boots LOOKED as soft as butter. The thought of freud reaching down to stroke dragula's boots is a little more . . . freudian than I planned on. Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :
Done with your typical flair for words. Nothing much to crit here but just to throw out something to consider. Rather than describe Dragula as he stands, why not point out these attributes as Freud notices them? Having Freud notice his flawless German and the nature of his glances - as well as his eyes, boots, hair, etc. would be a little more convincing - IMO.
Dragula, cute. Is this a cross dressing vampire by chance?
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
I'll save the cross dresser jokes for the "Scary Movie" guys. It's actually a more original version of dracula's name, which got corrupted over time. Although, now that you point out the pun, maybe I should change it, eh?
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
(Yeah, that other site can be a tough crowd!)
As for the name, don't change it! I'm familiar with it, I suspect many who pick up the book will be familiar with it, and it adds to the setting.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
so far it's only a crowd of two, so I can handle it! And it's resulted in some good changes, I think. We'll see.
Posted by baduizt (Member # 5804) on :
Hey Deb,
Long time no speak! I love this opening. I think the ideas are very interesting, here. Of course, butter-soft leather shoes would be very vaginal in the Freudian schema. Which is probably appropriate, since Dracula is considered a symbol of transgressive sexuality in literary theory.
Send it my way when you´re ready ;-)
Adam xxx
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
did you ever read the old playboy article about Cinderella's slipper? I'll give just a little bit away by saying the writer's first premise was that the slipper was actually fur, not glass . . .
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
One can read Playboy?
Pat
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
well, some of us can! Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
(forgive me! this is so off topic but someone else brought it up and now I have to respond...)
quote:One can read Playboy?
In fact, the interviews in Playboy are often amazing. I think the interviewees often think no one will read it, so they tend to be more honest. Anyway, in this person's humble opinion, they are worth checking out.
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
it's okay, annepin, we're all free associationers here!
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
Yes, Anne, the interviews were indeed worth reading. I was just amused to see Deb quoting Playboy as a research source.
Since I don't have my back issues of said magazine to hand, I Googled Cinderella and fur and discovered there's a whole debate out there about the glass--or perhaps fur--slippers, e.g.
Is it time to return this thread to the buttery leather shoes now? ... I think one can see that quality of leather without having to touch it. A man of Freud's worldliness would surely have been able to discern it.
Cheers, Pat
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
this is a young freud, still a student, not yet married, living in a small hotel in paris. But I assume that the quality of the leather would be something that one could see - the gleam and the flexibility as the person moves - the difference between new leather and the old stuff that's been oiled and buffed and used so much it's as flexible as chamis cloth. Sensible?
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I'll have to admit that I was put off by the present tense. Is there any reason you're using such an artificial mode of presentation?
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
"Sensible?"
Yup.
Pat
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Uh . . . re-reading my post this morning, I thought it sounded rude, or at least arch. I didn't mean it that way, and I'm sorry. I DO think present tense is artificial, I DON'T think it gives any advantages whatever (and am more than willing to argue that position) and I AM puzzled why people keep trying to use it. So I meant all the words. But the question as phrased seems to have a slight sneering tone, and I didn't mean that at all.
[This message has been edited by rickfisher (edited December 17, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
We're cool. Actually, I ended up shifting over about halfway through the first chapter, but there are some charms to present tense, to, so I'm still kicking it around. Sometimes I try things just to try them. It's fun. Is that a good answer? I tried it because it was fun to try. Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
Yeah, that's a good answer. There ARE charms to present tense; it's good for dreams and sometimes flashbacks(!). It gives a sense of timelessness, so it can also be good for stories from the POV of a character like a dolphin. (I mean, of course, how a dolphin might be.)
What it doesn't do is give a sense of immediacy. And for a novel it really drives me nuts. I get used to it after about 10-15 pages, and after that it might as well be past tense, so it doesn't hurt all that much; it just doesn't help any. But if I put the book down, and pick it up again after more than a few minutes, I have to go through the adaptation all over again. I LOVE James Tiptree's two novels--if only they were in past tense so I could love them even more.
Posted by SireneLitteraire (Member # 7436) on :
LOVED IT!
Beautifully crafted! Excellent flow! Your words are like butter soft leather!
Agree about the boots 'looking' butter soft though, and the discomfort of present tense stuff, but hey, but fun is fun.
The doc is Freud? Rock on, he wouldn't have been up to his eyeballs yet in weird victorian hysteria stuff, and if you did your homework, this Psych major would LOVE to read it even more!
Groovy stuff, Bree
Posted by TaleSpinner (Member # 5638) on :
She does her homework. It's a Deb trait. As is the language like butter-soft leather--love that!
Pat
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
Bree, I'd love to run it by you for details. I ws going to call my old dissertation chair and see if he could; but it would be much nicer to have another fiction writer involved. I hope that was an actual offer!
Posted by SireneLitteraire (Member # 7436) on :
Deb,
Absolutely! Love to! Send it on, and I'll dust off my analytical couch and have a read!
Yippee! (I've been 6 whole days without anything decent to read so I'm a little excited.)
Bree
Posted by SireneLitteraire (Member # 7436) on :
Okay, I'm way impatient to read it. By the way, I'm no Freudian expert, especially with his pre-pro life at school; so don't dis your advisor on my account. I just thought the context in which his theories emerged was fascinating and totally pertinent, especially in light of the nutty rep he's garnered in modern society.
He was, however, one of my flatmates back in College. One year my Mom sent me a stuffed Freud head, and when you squeezed it, he would say in a German accent, “Tell me about your Mother”, “Very interesting”, and “That’ll be $300 dollars, please”.
He taught me so much.
He was an integral member of our household until one of my roomates, in a fit of rage, removed his batteries. And one day, when I went to replace them, he was gone.
[This message has been edited by SireneLitteraire (edited December 20, 2007).]
Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :
how sad. My dissertation chair (who's putzdom will remain nameless here) had a Sigmund Freud action figure in his office. It was one of the only truly cool things about him.
