Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Claire's Delusion--New Start

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Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

I had frequent comments that this SF story started in the wrong place. I agreed and have been hacking it up. This is a new thread with a new beginning. Got hook?

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“You are out of your freaking mind, mister!” Claire brushed the prototype EEG sensors aside as resolutely as she would swat an insect buzzing in her ear. The offending electrodes were stitched into the straps of one of Claire’s discarded brassieres, from her "special" drawer for garments that would never again be used, but which had not lain in state long enough to receive burial rites.

That the prototype required aesthetic improvements was clear from Claire’s revulsion to it. Patrick considered her a pragmatic woman, relatively speaking, so he couldn't understand her failure to appreciate the bra strap's favorable elastomeric properties. And more importantly, he thought Claire would find it funny.
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[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited January 10, 2008).]

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

I like it. I don't know what's going on.

I don't understand why Clair would say

“You are out of your freaking mind, mister!”

and then

“That was my favorite bra,”

Especially if she is revolted by it.

From the description, EEG sensors make me think of a whip antenna (something 5 feet long). The only place I can imagine them being sewn to a bra for comical reasons is erh...

I think you may be better off throwing in a line describing this fantastic brassiere.

edit: Ahhh, he modified an existing bra... I really didn't get that at first.

[This message has been edited by halogen (edited December 24, 2007).]

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

EEG sensors are tiny...they are the electrodes placed on the scalp to measure brain activity . . . an electroencephalogram.

Posted by halogen (Member # 6494) on :

Oh right, those things. I knew that I heard the term before, but I couldn't remember where. I thought it would be unfair to do a google search because I should react like someone happening across this.

Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :

Interesting. I'd be peeved too if my S.O. messed with my favorite bra. (And I'm assuming that Patrick is her S.O., I'd hope so, what with rummaging around in special drawers and all)

I got thrown with POV - assumed it was Claire in the first paragraph, but obviously Patrick by the second.

Also, do you need the insect metaphor in the first paragraph, it distracted me a bit, got me thinking about bugs. Then again, we are talking about electrodes in undergarments...

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

Dear LCastle,

Thank you for your concern about Claire's honor. I assure you that Patrick is a proper S.O. (marriage cert. properly recorded) and that the garment in question really was a discard. Claire is a competant forensic acct., but may have over-reacted a bit in this case.

Regards, WouldBe

Posted by debhoag (Member # 5493) on :

it always seems like a good sign when readers get worried on behalf of you character.

I like this beginning a lot, too, wouldbe. It took me a sec to sort out what you were describing. This isn't an underwire or anything, is it? cause that could get tricky.

Posted by LCastle (Member # 7363) on :

I wasn't so much worried, as ... curious. If Patrick wasn't her S.O., then that's a totally different story.