I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. And here was the irony, I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered. The seas here were not blue, like I remembered, they were dull grey; quicksilver poured out across the seas, tainted by too many good men brought so unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose around my neck was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the shift broke open one of the blisters from the rough, hand-twisted rope around my neck.
quote:
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her.
quote:
And here was the irony, I was soon to join their number....
quote:
The seas here were not blue, like I remembered, they were dull grey; quicksilver poured out across the seas, tainted by too many good men brought so unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
quote:
The noose around my neck was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the shift broke open one of the blisters from the rough, hand-twisted rope around my neck.
Good luck.
--WouldBe
My thoughts:
quote:
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships scuttled and left to rot with her their honored crew aboard her you can probably delete this "them" unless you want the musical quality . And here was the irony not sure about irony - although maybe a comment about how after escaping thier fate once, he was there to meet it , I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered. The seas here were not blue, like I remembered Hu? . I kept asking remembered from when. , they were dull grey; quicksilver poured out across the seas Nice image , tainted by too many good men brought so unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.The noose around my neck was beginning to chafe and I shifted my weight, instantly regretting it as the shift broke open one of the blisters from the rough, hand-twisted rope around my neck.
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships, each scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered.
The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas. The waters of the cove, and the shallows that surrounded it, were tainted by too many good men brought unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose was beginning to chafe my neck and so I shifted my weight. I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope.
Yes, I like this still (and remember the previous versions).
If you could work back in the hook about he's escaped this fate before it might be a bit more hooky. I think his personality and the situation is a good enough hook. Although since I already know where this is going from the previous drafts I'm probably not the best person to comment on the "hook."
I'd offer to read but I still have 3 I'm trying to work on.
I stood, facing the setting sun, squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships, each scuttled and left to rot with her honored crew aboard her. I was soon to join their number, the so-called unremembered.
The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas. The waters of the cove, and the shallows that surrounded it, were tainted by too many good men brought unjustly to their ends without provision for their souls.
The noose was beginning to chafe my neck and so I shifted my weight. I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope.
"...squinting to blur the sight of the masts of the ships..."
This was a little confusing to me as if I squint it tends to sharpen my vision, not blur it - especially looking toward strong light. Why do you want to blur the sight of the masts anyway? Or is the blur a result of squinting at the sun?
"The noose was beginning to chafe my neck..." But in the very next sentence "...it broke open some of the blisters..."
This seems too much of a jump to me - going from beginning to chafe to blisters. Why not have the neck already raw and blistered and then, trying for relief, shifting and causing the blisters to break - or something like that.
I do however have one nit to pick. That is your simile in the third sentence.
quote:
______________________________________________________
dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas.
_______________________________________________________
Maybe it's just me but "quicksilver" does not communicate dullness. It is a nice turn of phrase, but does not ring true.
Perhaps you can speak of quicksilver reflections or reflections of a quicksilver sky on the dull grey sea or some such.
Minor minor minor
Continue drafting- I can't offer to read right now but I'm hooked.
As to the rope thing... yeah, still working on it. Ditto for quicksilver. But for now I'm moving on to book two.
I'm coming in on this a little late, but I like it, so I thought I'd comment anyway.
Firstly, just gotta say that I really like your title. Anyway, the final draft near the bottom is definitely better than the original version. Just a couple of points:
'The seas here were not the bright blue I knew from the Deeps, but rather, dull grey, like quicksilver poured out over the seas.' - personally, I'd stick an 'a' in 'but rather, dull grey' (i.e. 'but rather, a dull grey' or 'but rather a dull grey'). I'm not sure why, it just seems to me like there should be one in there. Other than that, you've used the word 'seas' twice here. Unfortunately, you've used 'waters' (which was going to be my suggestion) in the next sentence, so I don't think there's much you can do about it.
'I instantly regretted the movement because it broke open some of the blisters caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope.' - I'd try to avoid 'because' sentences. It's like you're spoon-feeding the reader, in my opinion. That said, I'd consider changing this to something like 'I instantly regretted the movement; some of the blisters, caused by the rough, hand-twisted rope, boke open', or [if you'll forgive a slight rewrite] 'I instantly regretted the movement; some of the blisters under the rough, hand-twisted rope broke open'. For some reason, I'm tempted to put 'MY rough, hand-twisted rope' instead of 'THE [...] rope', though I think that's just a personal preference.
Anyway, I'd read on, and I'd like to look at some more of this if you're still sending it out .
Daniel.