Hatrack River Writers Workshop: SciFi Novel

This is topic SciFi Novel in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

To visit this topic, use this URL:
http://www.hatrack.com/ubb/writers/ultimatebb.php?ubb=get_topic;f=26;t=000294

Posted by howefitz (Member # 4995) on :

Just started work on my first novel. Let me know what you think of these first thirteen. This may or may not be the first chapter. Thanks!

-Justin

Everyone makes mistakes. Randolph Cleveland knew this. In fact, this phrase had become his internal mantra, standing ready to be blurted at a moments notice, ever since he had laid eyes on Anna Morgan. She had entered his office to interview for the position of his personal assistant. She had worn her blonde hair (how often did you see blonde hair anymore?) in a professional bun at the base of her skull. She had dressed in a no-nonsense pants suit that covered every bit of desirable flesh, but could do nothing to hide the shapely curves tucked away within. Randolph had put all carnal cravings aside, cleared his throat as she took a seat, and began the interview.
Her voice was perfect, with just the slightest bit of southern accent. Randolph tried not to notice.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

The biggest problem I see is that after your opening line, you immediately slip into a flashback. And the flashback isn't particularly compelling. It's a tough deal to ask the reader to go back in time with you when you haven't even established what's at stake in the fictive here and now.

I think the opening line could work. However, instead of delving into the flashback, I suggest something like showing the moment where he's thinking this, and try to incorporate the back story with that moment.

For instance, why is he thinking about this now? Why is he having this flash back? Does he run into Anna after a long absence? If so, maybe that's your scene, and you cay work in the back story that way. I.e. "Her hair was pulled back in a bun just as it had been the day he'd first met her. It drove him as crazy now as it did then." Okay, super bad, but I just wanted to illustrate what I was talking about.

HOWEVER! You did say this is your first draft. So for now, I suggest using this opening and just plowing on ahead. You can fix the opening later. I think your priority should be in finishing the draft, not worrying about the opening.

Posted by Cheyne (Member # 7710) on :

As always, finish the story before agonizing over your beginning, but that said, you are obviously looking for feedback so:

Your prose is clearly written and your voice is evident... BUT I have to agree with Annepin; you fall into flashback mode way too soon. A rule of thumb is if you have to flashback in the first few pages then you probably started your story at the wrong point.
On top of this obvious flaw you fail to evoke any sense of place or time. Other than your posting we have no sense of genre. Is their any conflict other than Randolph's regret? You give no sense of that. We, the readers, learn only that the MC is in a position to hire a personal assistant, and that he is young enough and hetero enough to notice that the interviewee is hot.

The idea of the first 13 is that you grab the reader/editor's attention while at the same time revealing just as much info as you need to create mystery and introduce the main conflict.

Rework this opening to avoid the flashback problem and send me a chapter.

Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :

You'll have to decide if this is the right place to start the story. If the others have not persuaded you to lose the flashback, you can eliminate some of the "hads." The first ones establish the time setting. The rest are tedious to the reader. The ones after "She had entered his office" could be safely eliminated.

I wonder how important this early description of the woman is in the first 13 lines. Would it be enough to say that he thought she was drop-dead gorgeous or fabulous and move the story ahead more quickly? I don't really see a hook here. That's more important early on than her hair color.

Good luck.

Posted by Marzo (Member # 5495) on :

quote:
(how often did you see blonde hair anymore?)

For me, that was the only hook. As a reader, I started asking questions - what year is it, and what's happened to make blonde hair rare? (Especially as it's so prevalent and popular today.)

But, if this book were in a store, it's likely that the cover and jacket flap synopsis would have handed me the answers to those questions right off the bat, so in that case they wouldn't be effective as a device to pique my curiosity and lure me in.

Also, the question of hair dye does present itself.

For a sci-fi novel, I don't quite see enough of the sci-fi element in these 13 to know what genre it is without the topic of the thread.