Hatrack River Writers Workshop: First 13, YA urban fantasy

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Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

I'd appreciate any thoughts on this. I'm having one of those frustrating writing weeks where I'm ready to trade in my laptop for a cave in the woods. The story is finished, aside from the editing and 500 rewrites ahead. Thanks!

The first time my brother Luke came to visit me Here, he showed up with a complaint. A fine how-do-you-do straight from Hell itself after all these thousands of years.
“You're getting too involved, Adora,” he said, interrupting my studying. I caught my breath but wouldn't turn around. I didn't want him to see how glad I was to have him back even if he did sound pretty ticked off at the moment. So, I just watched him from the corner of my eye.
"Good to see you, too,” I said as I tugged at my ponytail and tapped a pencil on my desk.
“Oh, no niceties necessary here, my sweet sister.” He folded his arms and rocked back on his heels. “Manners are for people who care about appearances, which I obviously never have. I'm here to tell you to stay out of my affairs.”

Posted by ChristineT (Member # 7789) on :

You do a good job of setting your tone and we see the emotion behind your main character right up front but I'm a little confused. Without any background I wonder is "Hell" and "a thousand years" literal? The only other suggestion is word choice "how-do-you-do" and "affairs" seem dated but if they are really a thousand years old, that might be appropriate.

Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

Yes, Hell and thousands of years are literal. This is a story about a teenager and her brother, Luke, a.k.a. Lucifer, the Devil, etc. She's a former angel (now human) who just didn't go to "the dark side" like he did, and instead, was allowed to come Here (Earth). So I was hoping "how-do-you-do" and "affairs" would be okay seeing as how they're both rather dated, as you put it. And their background is revealed pretty quickly in the first several pages. Thanks for you comments!

Posted by kingtermite (Member # 7794) on :

It definitely catches my attention from the beginning and makes me want to read more. I think because of the "hell" and "thousand years", I am immediately drawn toward the idea that something is supernatural here.

I might like a little (just a little) description before the arrival of Luke. Maybe description of the girl, the setting, her mood or something to give me more of a frame of reference. Not all of the above, but something to grasp on and get a picture in my mind.

Posted by AllenMackley (Member # 7771) on :

Little comes to mind to suggest as I really like this. I takes me into the character right away and I think it's well written.

A few thoughts:

1) IMHO I wouldn't capitalize Here and Hell. I think there is some debate about whether to capitalize hell or not. However, it looks odd to me.

2) I see some possible influences from Star Wars. If its not a Star Wars based fantasy, try to mask your influence as best you can. That doesn't mean you can't use Star Wars as an influence, but try to get clever so that it doesn't become too obvious. In those times when you recognize where your influences come from, stretch yourself and get creative.

3) This is a very interesting idea. I would turn the page. Good job!

[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 10, 2008).]

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

I think the convention here is to capitalize "hell" if you're meaning it literally, as in the place. And since you've told us that that is, indeed, the case, then I think it's right to capitalize it.

The first time my brother Luke came to visit me Here, he showed up with a complaint. A fine how-do-you-do straight from Hell itself after all these thousands of years.
“You're getting too involved, Adora,” he said, interrupting my studying. I caught my breath but wouldn't turn around. I didn't want him to see how glad I was to have him back even if he did sound pretty ticked off at the moment. I didn't really get this line. She doesn't want him to see how glad she is and so doesn't turn around--I got that--but what does that sentiment have to do with him sounding ticked off? Is she more compelled to turn around because he sounds angry?So, I just watched him from the corner of my eye.
"Good to see you, too,” I said as I tugged at my ponytail and tapped a pencil on my desk.
“Oh, no niceties necessary here, my sweet sister.” He folded his arms and rocked back on his heels POV confusion--if she's not looking at him, how does she know what he's doing?. “Manners are for people who care about appearances, which I obviously never have. I'm here to tell you to stay out of my affairs.”

The opening was intriguing. Nice set up with the two characters. The only thing that keeps me from wanting to read on is that I'm wary of books that mention a literal hell.

Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

Thanks for your comments. I'll take Hell down to hell, but I use "Here" and "There" to talk about Earth and Heaven (heaven?). It's a story about Adora, a former guardian angel who can't hack life in heaven after Lucifer, her brother, is cast out. So she is sent Here, but ends up remembering everything, as well as gaining an inconvenient talent along the way. It definitely has Christian themes, but it's not a Christian fantasy, so I balked at using too much overt Christian terminology. I'll have to think about how annoying it might be to the reader, however, to keep seeing "Here" and "There." The few people who have read it haven't commented on those words, so I'll have to go back and ask them directly whether they were distracting.

And hmmm . . . I didn't have Star Wars on my mind at all when I wrote this. I hope it doesn't come across that way for long. I'm not an anti-Star Wars kind of person, but neither have I read any of the books.

Many thanks again.

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

For the record, I didn't get any Star Wars vibe.

Posted by AllenMackley (Member # 7771) on :

I really like this. Perhaps I stretched myself too far to come up with any suggestions.

quote:
For the record, I didn't get any Star Wars vibe.

I guess why I said that is because she used the phrase "the dark side" in reply to ChristineT. That and the name Luke... but, perhaps I jumped the gun in assuming that there are Star Wars influences. I just wanted to throw it out there as a caution and as something to watch out for.

As for capitalizing Here, it does make sense, but it is confusing in that it is used in the first sentence before we're told that Here refers to earth. I can see your logic to using it, but why not just say heaven and hell, or earth and heaven?

Or you could do this:
The first time my brother Luke came to visit me Here, on earth, he showed up with a complaint

[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 11, 2008).]

Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

Annepin, thanks for pointing out the problem with that sentence about her not wanting to look at him. I've read this 100 times at least and didn't catch it. She was glad to see him in spite of the fact that he was ticked off. The whole turning around thing messed up the meaning. I'll go back and work on it.

As for the mention of a literal hell, I get your reservation. But, for the record, there's virtually no discussion of it in the book. And I only mention it in the first line because I wanted to make it clear up front--or as clear as possible--that her brother was Lucifer. I've set up the characters more as part of a highly dysfunctional family than as religious icons, for good or bad.

Allen, thanks for clearing up the Star Wars concern. I'll keep thinking about the terminology. I'm just worried more people are going to have reactions similar to Annepin: "A book about heaven and hell? No thank you."

Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :

And in rereading my post, I see you have indeed addressed the pov issue I had trouble with--I missed the reference to her looking at him from the corner of her eyes. My apologies--that's what I get for critiquing when I'm tired.

Posted by AllenMackley (Member # 7771) on :

bobbieanne,

Because it's a book about heaven and hell is why I'm so intrigued. I'm also very interested in how you'll paint Luke as the devil and what that character will do in relation to the others to deceive them. I think people are actually very drawn to novels which explore Biblical questions. They are also drawn to controversy. Think of the Da Vinci Code, for example.

I get the impression your book will be a page turner. If you're looking for readers/critiques for the first chapter, or more, I'm willing.

[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 11, 2008).]

Posted by bobbieanne (Member # 6277) on :

Thanks for the offer, Allen! I've emailed you with a few chapters.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Even though this isn't my genre, I was hooked. It appears that you are off to a terrific start. My only suggestion is to replace "ticked off" with a phrase better suited to a character with over a thousand years of experience in wordplay. If you need a reader, I could go through a few chapters this week.