She loved to feel the touch of the linen on her skin when she woke up in the morning, lying there in this cocoon of cotton and warmth. She loved breathing in pure morning air filled with freshness just strained with the light that seemed to be so soft in the morning, leaving just a feeble shadow on the touched edges. What she loved far more was turning around burying her nose into the short soft hair on William’s warm neck, how he twisted his head slightly. She kissed him on the neck, closing her eyes again, waiting for him to wake up. Later Emily always woke again to the smell of coffee floating over the corridor towards her bed. She got up, tiptoeing over the cold wooden floor into the kitchen. Leaning against the door frame she said yawning. ‘You made coffee?’
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
1) As has been mentioned often enough, starting with a character waking up is enough to make a slush-pile editor reject a story then and there. (Go back and check out the high percentage of novels and stories in the two F&F threads that commit this exact crime.
2) Nothing has happened so far. No conflict, no tension, no mystery, no intriguing situation. You're starting in the wrong place.
3) The writing itself is quite good. Things I would do (if I were going to keep this passage at all): a) Call her Emily from the start. b) Make it clear what is "always" and what is "today, this time." The last sentence of the first paragraph sounds like "right now", but there's no clear indication, and then the first sentence of the next paragraph says "always" again. Make it clear when you shift, and then stay shifted.
Posted by ChristineT (Member # 7789) on :
I might have started with the same thing but rickfisher is right, it doesn't pull you in. I have no hook that grabs me and I felt morning was a little redundant.
Posted by arriki (Member # 3079) on :
rickfisher is dead on right.
Waking is hard to pull off these days unless you've got something unique about it and pack a lot of information subtly into few words.
Your opening has nothing to pique my interest, I'm afraid. So she wakes up. So she's in bed with some guy. So she drifts off and wakes up later. So what!
If you can work the kernal of the plot of your story into these first 13 -- that's always good. An intriguing glimpse of character, that's good, too. Your characterization just is -- I'm sorry -- bland.
Maybe if she rolled over to free up her third arm or felt for a dagger under the pillow or did something that would evoke at least my curiosity, this might work.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
It is a cliche opening and written well, but, if in the next sentence or two there is a life-turning event like:
Then, she noticed the letter on the kitchen table, with William's house keys atop.
"You're leaving me?"
"I was hoping to be gone before you got up."
If you've got something dramatic up your sleeve to reveal right away, then the opening could well serve to show how shocked she would be at the turn of events. In that case, I suggest shortening the opening a bit and give a glimpse of the turn of events. Otherwise, I agree that you might need to start somewhere else.
Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :
Thanks for your feedback. I'm really new to writing and now you said it out loud I realise how cliche and boring just "waking up next to a guy" is...it's even bad if it was a love novel (I don't know the literary term) I have to say that English is not my native language. I don't know where this story is going to yet. Maybe I'll start with something else... turn it into a thriller, starting with the murderer and after sometime come back to Emily waking up again, saying how much she loved everything about William and surprise surprise guess who's going to be the next victim.... kind of cliche again, isn't it?
Posted by AllenMackley (Member # 7771) on :
Dzire,
Even though the opening was cliche, I didn't notice the cliche at first because I enjoyed your writing. However, I think everyone is right that, because of the cliche, it isn't going to work. Nonetheless, I can see your talent and I think if you stick with it, it will shine through.
For example, I really liked these parts:
quote: ...lying there in this cocoon of cotton and warmth. She loved breathing in pure morning air filled with freshness just strained with the light that seemed to be so soft in the morning...
When I first started my novel (which still has a long way to go) I made this same mistake of opening with the character waking up. I suppose the influence comes from video games, which do this very often. I've since completely eliminated that part once I realized how cliche it was. However, it gave me a starting place, even though its completely gone now. So, stick with it. Keep trimming and planting away at it and don't get discouraged.
[This message has been edited by AllenMackley (edited February 09, 2008).]
Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :
Thanks. That's my favourite part, too. I'll totally stick to it. I'll try to improve my English by writing a lot, but I'm often lacking good ideas for a plot. So I end up with a lot of Story beginnings but with no ends. I'm still in school and can't concentrate on my writing much, but I try to do as much as possible.
Posted by WouldBe (Member # 5682) on :
You're doing nicely with the English. Try putting your character in a really interesting, difficult, surprising or dangerous situation and see what she does.
Posted by rickfisher (Member # 1214) on :
I'm always impressed by people writing in a language other than their native language. (Wasn't it Lois McMaster Bujold who wrote her first novel in Latin? [She did it in Latin class instead of paying attention to the Latin teacher, and I guess she figured it was only fair.][If I've got the wrong person, someone correct me. I don't want to start an internet legend.]) But I'm especially impressed when someone writes in English, and I can tell that she handles it better than most whose first language it is. (By the way, a "love novel" is called a "romance". These days, "romance" doesn't refer to anything else.)
You might be interested in reading Card's Characters & Viewpoint. It's got a lot of good stuff on character (which your opening fails to show much of) as well as on deciding where to start your story, depending on what kind of story it is.
Posted by Dzire (Member # 3597) on :
It's in fact on my "wish list" at amazon.com...just waiting for the money to arrive on my bank account.
In school I'm pretty bad at my native language, German. English just rocks my mind. I started reading only English books when I was 12, what could explain my bad German grades, but I love this language.
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Interesting, Dzire. I had a similar experience (falling in love with the sound of German when I was 12), but I haven't done nearly as well with German as you have with English.
As for figuring out how to end your stories, there are discussions on that subject here on the workshop forum if you want to do a search on the word "ending" to find them.
Edited to add: here's a topic with a list of links to some of the discussions on how to finish or end a story:
