Hatrack River Writers Workshop: The End ( YA Fantasy)

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Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

This is The End my WIP at 13000 words. Ive reworked the beginning and would love comments. I am looking for readers for the first chapter. Thanks ~Sheena

“Save the child first.” Bronwyn Wynstelle whispered to the midwives trying to save her life. They bustled around the royal birthing bed in aprons stained with blood.
“The child is all but gone, my Queen.” Anna said as she patted Bronwyns brow with a wet rag.
“The child.” The Queen commanded, “This child will be a war avoided. My child must be a girl. She has to...” Thunderous pressure robbed her of breath and an ability to continue.
Bronwyn reached inside for magic to silence the pain. Her eyes lit up as the magic filled her. The midwives all stood back in fear as their Queen’s eyes lit the walls of the birthing chamber. A woman with magic is cursed. The midwives will not touch Bronwyn now that she had shown her magic. Not while she liv

heehee.

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

Feel free to send it to me. I can do a chapter.

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

Why is your 13 lines cut off in the middle of a word?

I wouldn't do that to someone's 13 lines, so why did you?

Posted by Christian (Member # 7825) on :

Interesting 13. I'd read on, both for the story and to find out what that last word is.

Posted by shimiqua (Member # 7760) on :

Thank you both for your offers and edits. You rock!

Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :

This looks much better than the last version.

quote:

“Save the child first.” Bronwyn Wynstelle whispered to the midwives trying to save her life. They bustled around the royal birthing bed in aprons stained with blood.
“The child is all but gone, my Queen.” Anna said[,] as she patted Bronwyn[']s brow with a wet rag.
“The child.” The Queen commanded, “This child will be a war avoided. My child must be a girl. She has to...” Thunderous pressure robbed her of breath and [an<--? Do you mean "the"?] ability to continue.
Bronwyn reached inside for magic to [silence<--? Do you mean "ease"?] the pain. Her eyes lit up as the magic filled her. The midwives all stood back in fear as their Queen’s [I suggest adding a modifier to solidify the image, like: blazing] eyes lit the walls of the birthing chamber. A woman with magic [is<--[violates tense, unless it's a thought--which needs to be made clear.] cursed. The midwives [will<--[Again, tense issue: would] not touch Bronwyn now that she had shown her magic. Not while she liv

It's much clearer what's going on. There are some tense issues, and a couple of punctuation marks missing, but they are easily fixed.

Like I said, this is much clearer than your last attempt. Good job.

I hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited March 13, 2008).]

Posted by Gabriel's_Trumpet (Member # 7809) on :

Eh, there's not really much implied in these lines, but that's expected. Other than that and the minor grammatical errors, it's good. Keep writing.

Posted by jcc2k4 (Member # 7867) on :

If you still need someone to give you feedback on your work, lemme know, I don't want to just take from the community without giving anything back.

But I'll let you know in advance I might not get back to you very quickly, i have a full load of college courses