What do you think of this as a first thirteen? It still leaves alot of questions, but I think it gives a decent sense that something is going on. Or is it too close to the Bean series?
Voice A: “I see you have been busy, my friend.”
Voice B: “Friend? If I recall correctly, it was you who killed my last champion.”
Voice A: “Ah yes, the general with the unsightly mole."
Voice B: “I spent a lot if time on that one."
Voice A: “You aren’t still bitter are you? It WAS, after all, 2000 years ago.”
Voice B: “As if I’ve had anything else to think about since.
mine, well, I think I may have a winner. You see, he is ambitious in the most delightful ways."
Voice A: “So he will murder and rape for you?”
Voice B: “The MOST delightful ways.”
[This message has been edited by KoDe Nichols (edited April 03, 2008).]
Also, near the bottom you seem to lose coherence in the structure you were building. The line that starts "mine, well, I think I have a winner" might be being spoken by Voice B, from what I can see.
There's a repetition in your use of the most delightful ways twice in two lines. I can't tell if that is intentional, or merely an error. The use of it in the final line also kind of stands out as not really fitting in. The question Voice A asks is essentially a yes or no question. The answer given isn't either of these.
Normally, I'd try and give a more thorough critique, but this has significant structural problems with it. You are at least comfortable with dialogue, which will be a boon to you, but the aversion of any other prose in this piece, like proper dialogue attribution, setting details, character actions, indications of vocal tone or inflection, anything other than pure dialogue leaves me to conclude that you might not be comfortable with this part of writing. Since you've previously stated that you have estimated that your story will require nine novels all told, I'd say that it might be something you could probably work on.
If this ended up in my slush pile, it wouldn't last long there before landing with a thud on the rejection pile. Take another shot at this.
Jayson Merryfield
The repetition in the end is intentional. Although if it sounds awkward ir or unclear I could change it to
___________________________________________________________
Voice A: “In other words, he will murder and rape for you?”
Voice B: “As I said, the MOST delightful ways.”
___________________________________________________________
But to me, at least, the inserts at the beginnings of those two lines can be "understood" But then I suppose the author should try to remember that he can't always expect the reader to understand things the same way.
When Ian walked through the gates of the City of Life, Gasa Vitoli, he did not know whether to shudder in disgust or weep for grief. The stone walls which had once been a symbol of purity, white and pristine, had become dark and dingy, blackened by the centuries of soot and ash that had billowed out of the fiery mountains of Aros. The lofty spires, once a beacon of hope, had fallen due to years of neglect.
The rubble, in places, had not even been cleaned from the streets. It lay forgotten, shoved aside into the gutters of the street, like a corpse left to be eaten by the dogs.
“Kind of a craphole, isn’t it?” Nelson said, kicking a piece of masonry out of the way. The sound of the stone clattering on the cobblestones resonated in the air and echoed off the
[This message has been edited by KoDe Nichols (edited April 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited April 03, 2008).]
Remove the Voice A and Voice B stuff, if you separate them out with quotes, the reader will know that it is two different people talking. If you need an example, which would baffle me as this is an OSC website, look at Ender's Game he does that there.
The Sentance "mine,well, I think I may have a winner...." Is awkward and seems out of place. The character was just bitter and cold with the person he was talking to and then, out of no where, he was his friend again saying he's got someone else.
I understood and liked the way you said "the MOST delightful ways" as the reasons he listed weren't correct, the 'most delightful' are even better than that. But MOST should be in italics in the manuscript not capitals, this may be due to the fact the forum doesn't have an italics button, if so, sorry for the wrongful review.
These are my opinions, take them or leave them.
Here's for the new one:
When Ian walked through the gates of the City of Life, Gasa Vitoli, he did not know whether to shudder in disgust or weep for grief. The stone walls which had once been a symbol of purity, white and pristine, had become dark and dingy, blackened by the centuries of soot and ash that had billowed out of the fiery mountains of Aros. The lofty spires, once a beacon of hope, had fallen due to years of neglect.
The rubble, in places, had not even (remove this, unless you're going for this type of dialect in your story) been cleaned from the streets. It lay forgotten, shoved aside into the gutters of the street, like a corpse left to be eaten by the dogs.
“Kind of a craphole, isn’t it?” Nelson said, kicking a piece of masonry out of the way. The sound of the stone clattering on the cobblestones resonated in the air and echoed off the cold stone walls. To Ian it was the sound of rattling bones.
“Have some respect for the dead, Nelson” Ian said as he stepped over another brick. “They could at least given it a decent burial.” What is this 'it'? having respect for the dead normally leads me to believe it is a person, or a thing with human thought and feeling, and the it seems out of place
This intro seems like it has a MUCH better hook than the first, and the way you describe things gives a very distinct and clear image in my mind.
These are my opinions, take them or leave them.
As to the the "it" in the last line. I'm sort of aiming for the rubble to be symbolic of the corpse of the hope, purity, and glory that was once Gasa Vitoli, but I can see that that "it" preposition has kind of an unclear, awkward attribution.
The "even" ties into the neglect for the spires/values that made the city. The values was so neglected that even The rubble/corpse of the fallen spires/virtue of the city had not been cleaned. Again, perhaps the even should be moved/reworded to be clearer.
[This message has been edited by KoDe Nichols (edited April 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by KoDe Nichols (edited April 03, 2008).]
For me this would work better with these lines:
"Kind of a craphole, isn’t it?” Nelson said, kicking a piece of masonry out of the way. The sound of the stone clattering on the cobblestones resonated in the air and echoed off the cold stone walls. To Ian it was the sound of rattling bones. - first.
Then Ian can show us the City of Life (nice name BTW when the town is dead) and his dialog can show us his reaction to the neglect.
Then you can cut the small bit of telling - "he didn't know whether to shudder or weep."
Could be a really strong start.
I moved the metaphors and stuff about the rubble further down, so its still there, but I think this 13 has a much better hook.
quote:
Ian shuddered, eager to complete his mission and leave the dark walls and haunting streets (1) of the city behind him.
“Kind of a craphole, isn’t it?” Nelson said (2), kicking a piece of masonry out of the way. The sound of the stone clattering on the cobblestones resonated in the air and echoed off the cold stone walls. To Ian it was the sound of rattling bones.
The place was called Gasa Vitoli, city of life, but as Ian gazed upon its fallen towers he felt only despair and grief. (3) Despair for all that Gasa Vitoli had lost; grief because his mission would serve to pluck the last glimmer of light from the city. The very idea of stealing such a precious artifact was repugnant to him, but it was clear that Gasa Vitoli no longer deserved to keep the Stone of Life.(4)
A better attempt than the first I critiqued.
1. This sounds a little trite to my ear. I see one of two ways to attain the atmosphere you're looking for with these images; choose new images and fresh wordings to create the scene for us, or; engage our senses and spend a sentence describing, in sensory terms, the streets. I'd personally go with the second choice.
2. I realize it's only the second line, but I almost feel like Nelson suddenly appeared from nowhere. Could you possibly have Ian mention him, give some sort of stage direction so that we know, from the very outset, that we're dealing with a group of people? After reading the first line, I get a feeling of solitude, only to have that solitude broken by someone else interrupting the eerie mood.
3. Again, this is kind of nitpicking, but this sounds strange to me. Your choice of wording is very detached, like we're in a little spaceship floating behind Ian as he explores the city, and a taped narrator is going through the tourists handbook to Gasa Vitoli. Bring us down into Ian's head, allow us to experience the city from his perspective. Maybe something along the lines of "Here it was, the City of Light that his grandparents had always spoken of, Gasa Vitoli, center of an empire, beacon to the world. As Ian looked longingly at the crumbled walls, he knew that whatever light the city had once had was along since extinguished."
4. You're witholding information here. Ian knows what the artifact is, what it does, but we don't. Is the act of theft itself diststeful to him? The fact that he has to do it? Is there some reason why he feels the artifact should remain in Gasa Vitoli? If he feels strongly about it, why is he still going through with the theft? Don't rush to fit all sorts of plot into the first 13 - allow yourself some space to grow the story, especially with a novel. On a longer work, you're not going to hook us with the plot in your first 13, so you've got to win us with characters, and setting, and atmosphere, and style.
Okay, all of this being said, this is your third attempt at the first page of your novel. You know what is more important than the first page of a novel? The last page. Because almost anyone can write a first page, but it takes an awful lot of effort and determination and willpower (and good doses of bad sense too) to finish a novel. You could tweak this first thirteen for us endlessly, until we all exclaim it to be the peak of perfection, with nary a point to ponder, and it still won't mean much if the novel isn't finished.
Set this aside, and get down to writing. You've shown a strong sense of place, creativity, and a good voice in these first thirteens. Let that carry you through then next hundred thousand words.
Jayson Merryfield
Edit: Oh, one last point. Craphole is a very modern term, in what I'm picking up as a distinctly medeival setting. Watch to make sure that common vernacular doesn't start to invade your prose.
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited April 07, 2008).]
I guess my underlying motivation for doing this is to find out what works and hopefully some ways of making the story have a flowing prose as opposed to a series of disjointed descriptions and dialogue.
I suppose a good way to start getting feedback on your writing style as a whole is to start out writing short stories - 1K, 2K, whatever. It allows you to show what you're capable of, allows others to get a good feel as to your writing style and technique (as well as where you could be lacking), and are generaly small enough that you can put them out on a regular basis and expect to receive some constructive comments. A 100K+ word novel can be difficult to find readers for, and if you're a good way in and decide you don't like what you've done, it can be a bear to edit or change midstream.
What you've shown in those last two thirteens is a good start. Just remember - all prose is just dialogue and descriptions. You've already said you know how to write dialigue, and you know how to write descriptions. Putting them together isn't as hard as all that, so long as you're willing to put in thte time to learn.
Jayson Merryfield