This is topic Joquard's Quest in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.


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Posted by Acriter (Member # 7877) on :
 
Thanks to additional feedback, I have a revised version below. Please scroll down to the next post. Thanks.

Thanks for the feedback on the earlier version. You all gave me something to think about. I tried another rewrite, but I found problems with it too. So here's another try. Thanks.

Joquard huddled under his blankets and waited for his fear from the nightmare to leave him. Through his bedroom door, he saw the red glow of embers in the cottage's fireplace. He raised his gaze above the reddish hue, to the place where Papa's sword hung. A tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps trying to tempt me to touch it. But I won't break my promise to Papa. He turned over and burrowed deeper under the blankets.
His fear had almost left him and then it started to build. A heavy thump on the front door of his home shook the walls. He bolted upright. "I never dream the nightmare twice in the same night. This can't be happening. I know I'm awake."
Another thump resounded through the cotttage. He heard his parent's bedroom door burst open and their footfalls reverberate

[This message has been edited by Acriter (edited April 11, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Acriter (edited April 11, 2008).]
 


Posted by jcc2k4 (Member # 7867) on :
 
Yes, this is MUCH better. Hooked me, good job
 
Posted by KoDe Nichols (Member # 7884) on :
 
______________________________________________________________
"I wonder why the sword keeps trying to tempt me to touch it."
--------------------------------------------------------------
The use of alliteration here is kind of a tongue twister. Trying to tempt me to touch it. Too many t's.

I'm not to sure about the word "Papa". I know you will cry PoV, PoV, but to me it makes the protagonist (if the individual here is the protagonist) sound a little to juvenile for me to take him seriously.
________________________________________________________________
A tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps trying to tempt me to touch it. But I won't break my promise to Papa. He turned over and burrowed deeper under the blankets.
----------------------------------------------------------------
I think you should try to find a way to write this better. There is a thought in the middle of a descriptive paragraph. This should be in quotations and should most likely be at the beginning of a paragraph, unless you where to write that he wondered... as opposed to "I wonder..."

Also I thing it would help if you wrote more of the action in it in more of a direct manner. Instead of saying he saw the glow and he heard the door open, write these things happening.

 


Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
 
I agree, this is much better. It hooked me.
 
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
 
I am wondering the age of the MC. I read him as young, six or seven, but I wasn't sure. The image of him pulling the blanket up close to his face after a nightmare, and calling it "Papa' sword" gave me that impression. How old is he supposed to be?
 
Posted by Acriter (Member # 7877) on :
 
Thanks to critiques of other stories, I've decided that the reader needs a little more information. Please skip down three more posts to the most recent version. Thanks for your opinions.

Thanks for the feedback. Yes, the character is seven-years-old. Thanks to KoDeNichols, I will eliminate the word "trying." As to the thoughts, I think it is okay to write it like this, but I can't tell you why. Does anyone else know if this is okay?

Joquard huddled under his blankets and waited for his fear from the nightmare to leave him. Through his bedroom door, he saw the red glow of embers in the cottage's fireplace. He raised his gaze above the reddish hue to the place where Papa's sword hung. A tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps tempting me to touch it. But I won't break my promise to Papa. Joquard turned over and burrowed deeper under the blankets.
His fear had almost left him and then it started to build. A heavy thump on the front door of his home shook the walls. He bolted upright. "I never dream the nightmare twice in the same night. This can't be happening. I know I'm awake."
Another thump resounded through the cottage. He heard his parent's bedroom door burst open and their footfalls reverberate

[This message has been edited by Acriter (edited April 11, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Acriter (edited April 19, 2008).]
 


Posted by Acriter (Member # 7877) on :
 
I have a reason for not wanting to italicize or put quote marks around the thoughts. I'm not good with this part of writing and could really use your help on this. Anyone care to comment on whether it is okay to write thoughts like this? Thanks.
 
Posted by DebbieKW (Member # 5058) on :
 
Your revised first 13 are good, in my opinion.

Yes, it's fine to write thoughts like you did.
 


Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
 
Thoughts don't have to be italicized. If the story is from Joquard's point of view, it's clear that Joquard is the one doing the thinking.
 
Posted by Acriter (Member # 7877) on :
 
On a rise, in the shadow of a copse of trees, a band of goblins huddled. The leader surveyed the land. The plowed field in front of him extended down the slope to his left and stopped at a barn. To his right, it extended over another rise and touched the edge of an orchard. They had scouted the cottage beyond the orchard, but found it too close to other cottages. The isolated cottage on his left was perfect for their intentions.
# # #
Joquard huddled under his blankets and waited for his fear from the nightmare to leave him. Through his bedroom door, he saw the red glow of embers in the cottage’s fireplace. He raised his gaze above the reddish hue, to the place where Papa’s sword hung. A tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps tempting me to touch it.
 
Posted by Merlion-Emrys (Member # 7912) on :
 
quote:
Joquard huddled under his blankets and waited for his fear from the nightmare to leave him


I would say "the fear" rather than "his fear." It just doesnt quite flow right, for me, as it is.


quote:
I wonder why the sword keeps tempting me to touch it.

I'm not quite following this...the word "tempting" isnt working for some reason.

I am guessing either the sword is actually speaking to him, or the feeling he experienced in the previous lines is the temptation.

If its the first, try to make that clearer. If its the second...hmmm...maybe:

I wonder why I keep wanting to touch the sword.

Or, something completely different like:

"Suddenly, he felt an overwhelming urge to get up from bed, walk over to the fireplace, and touch the sword."

Thats all I can say without knowing more about whats going on and what your going for.
 


Posted by Oridalon (Member # 7938) on :
 
I absolutely want to see some more of this story. Please send my some more or even all of it.

Now to your 13:
1) Interestingly, contrary to other peoples feelings, I like the alliteration of the "trying to tempt me to touch" line. I think it adds a sort of too perfect grace that just smacks of magic to me. Granted, if the sword isn't magical then this doesn't work out as well, but assuming it is, I think it adds a lot of implications without flat out saying anything.

2) Your third revision certainly adds more information, and in some respects that is important. But in this case I though you were better off before.
It started with a young boy in the middle of the night, looking around the shadows of his home, the fears of a nightmare ever so slowly fading. Thats something we all have experienced; it is very tangible. We don't KNOW there is any real danger, even when he hears his parents get up: the mind can play some spooky ticks on us, there is no reason to assume, given what we have been that it isn't simply his nightmare continuing.
But the moment you add the scene with the goblins, it concretes it, and we loose that uncertainty. I think the best way to describe what I'm think of would be this:
Your third revision is what a movie writer/directer would do Because in a movie you can't be made to feel what the boy is feeling, not in the first 7 seconds of screen time. So all we can do is watch the scene. But the miracle of books is that you don't have to watch, you can actually BE the boy, you can feel what he feels simply because you can evoke the same familiar feelings that he feels and that we have felt.
I think that empathy and uncertainty add a great deal, naturally, it will all be cemented in a few lines, I'm sure. But for the duration the reader will (hopefully) be more involved with the book than if it was simply a nighttime goblin raid flashing before their eyes. None of us can relate to that.... or so I thought....

3) Lastly, I'm not sure I like the "His fear had almost left him and then it started to build" line. It is too mundane, too simple. It lacks all feeling, all it is is description. It sharply contrasts the rest of the 13 lines and detracts in my opinion.
Maybe try something more Implying and less Explaining:
"His eyes grew heavy and he slowly began to sink into peaceful bliss. A heavy thump..."

Anywho, I'd love to see some more!

PS: Grrr, had this all typed up and accidentally closed the Tab I was working in and had to rewrite >.<

[This message has been edited by Oridalon (edited April 26, 2008).]
 


Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
 
I like the second version best, so that what I'll work with.

My take:

quote:
Joquard huddled under his blankets [and waited for his fear from the nightmare to leave him<--I suggest something more active:hiding from the echoes of his nightmare.]. Through his bedroom door, he saw the red glow of embers in the cottage's fireplace. [He raised his gaze above the reddish hue to the place where Papa's sword hung. A tingle started in his toes and rose through his body to his head. I wonder why the sword keeps tempting me to touch it.<--I could envision these three sentences being two clean, active sentences: Papa's sword called to Joquard from above the hearth, tingling through his whole body. It wants me to touch it.] But I won't break my promise to Papa. Joquard turned over and burrowed [deeper<--Don't need this for a clear picture.] under the blankets.
[His fear had almost left him and then it started to build.<--cut this. We see in the next two sentences without having to be told this.] A heavy thump on the front door [of his home<--What else would it be? You can trim this out too.] shook the walls. He bolted upright. ["I never dream the nightmare twice in the same night.<--IMHO cut this, it detracts from the tension.] This can't be happening. [I know<--[It's more urgent without this, too.] I'm awake.["<--With the Quotations--after the earlier thoughts being in the text--I read this as he just blurted this aloud. I wouldn't think he'd do that if he was trying to hide.]
Another thump [resounded<--IMHO this should be a simpler word, maybe: shook] through the cottage. [He heard<--We know it's him that heard it, you are in his PoV, so you don't have to tell us, jus tell us what happened: H]is parent's bedroom door burst open and their footfalls [reverberate<--[Again, this is a heavy word for a seven year old. This sentence could be arranged a little cleaner.]

Nice tension. There's a definite hook. A little simplifying, and it would have excellent voice and tone.

I would read on, if it were cleaned up.

I feel like I'm in Joquard's PoV. I don't feel you are withholding about what it is, because I don't feel that Joquard yet knows. I also feel--more importantly--that you are going to tell me what it is. Most important, I'm worried for Joquard.

My edit (so you can see my suggestions clearly):
Joquard huddled under the blankets, hiding from the echoes of his nightmare. Through his bedroom door, he saw the red glow of embers in the cottage's fireplace. Papa's sword called to Joquard from above the hearth, tingling through his whole body. It wants me to touch it. But I won't break my promise to Papa. Joquard turned over and burrowed under the blankets.

A heavy thump on the front door shook the walls.

He sat bolt upright. This can't be happening. I'm awake.

The door to Mother and Father's room crashed open.

And there's three more lines to show us what is invading his home.

Hope this helps.

[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited April 26, 2008).]
 




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