Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Query

This is topic Query in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Dear AGENT:

I would like you to consider my fantasy novel, Heaven’s Gates are Rusted Shut, which is complete at TK words and available for representation.

A divine avatar is on a murderous rampage through the kingdom of Talmara. Seizing the opportunity to remove the death sentence on his head, infamous poacher Duncan Korvaine pledges to hunt down the avatar before it kills again. But representatives from two rival factions demand to accompany him: the Chandlers, who want to capture and control the avatar’s power; and the Children of Sorrow—led by Duncan’s fanatic sister—who believe their god has come down on a mission of vengeance, and must not be defied.

Duncan must lead his crew through a land shattered by a supernatural catastrophe, survive stumbling upon a new death-worshipping cult, and face down the god he rejected years before—in the flesh. It’s a good thing someone isn’t sabotaging his every effort; otherwise he’d really be in trouble.

Oh, wait…

I have sold short stories to (such and such magazines). Thank you for your consideration.

Sincerely,

Author

Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :

I think this is a pretty decent draft. I had a few nits. First of all, and you might already know this, but "Dear Agent" is one of the less preferred salutations. "Ms. Smith", or "Mr. Brown" would be better.

Also, the first lines doesn't really grab the reader. Maybe say why you are querying this particular agent, give specifics. Or give an inticing hook into your story.

I think your plot paragraph is pretty good. I got the gist of it all, without getting confused by details.

I am not sure if you meant to put the "Oh, wait . . . " in there. Was that intentional? It doesn't seem very professional. I'd take it out.

Otherwise, good job. I wish you luck with your agent search.

Posted by nitewriter (Member # 3214) on :

You might consider deleting the first sentence, it goes without saying you are looking for representation - why else would you be sending it? Other than that, not a bad query.

Posted by pixydust (Member # 2311) on :

I would suggest deleting that first sentence, too. Otherwise it looks good!

Posted by Jidin (Member # 4387) on :

Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I really appreciate it. Yea, I try to keep letters sounding professional, but I suppose that doesn't make for a very catchy opening.

Much obliged.