New version posted below, check it out...

The Battle of Brisingr was bloody indeed. It was a decade in coming, the final battle of the Elemental Wars,
There was little movement in the dawn after the battle. Nothing lived save the crows, picking their way through the mutilated carrion. A wounded soldier sat under a distant tree, staring blankly at the horrific scene. His injuries, though severe and in great number, were not life threatening, if he could obtain the required care. He tried to move, moaning at the pain his little progress brought. He smiled grimly.
“We have won,” he groaned. “For all the good it will do.”
From behind there was a sudden blinding flash of fell light. The soldier looked around in horror right before he screamed

Looking for
feedback on the 13 lines
and offers to read more

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited May 02, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited June 05, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by bandgeek9723 (edited March 24, 2009).]

[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited March 25, 2009).]
 

Todd

 

Also...have my doubts about "fell light." Those two words can work together, but I find they are usually best when followed by "in his/her/its eyes." It could work, but it sort of made me stop a moment.

I can probably handle a chapter if you'd like.
 

My initial reaction though, is that these 13 lines occur before your book needs to start, maybe shift your into and then include this in a flashback or even just pass it across in dialog.
 

I did wonder who the soldier was, and wanted you to name him, though since he dies right away that is perhaps why you didn't. I'd like to have another person witness the scene, not just the narrator, so I could grasp onto someone in this opener.
 

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited April 28, 2008).]
 

Other than that, My take:

quote:

---

The Battle of Brisingr was bloody indeed. It was a decade in coming, the final battle of the Elemental Wars,
There was little movement in the dawn after the battle. Nothing lived save the crows, picking their way through the mutilated carrion.<--[PoV?] A wounded soldier sat under a distant tree[I thought nothing lived.], staring blankly at the horrific scene. His injuries, though severe and in great number, were [not life threatening<--How severe can they be? I think I've pointed these thing out before.], if he could obtain the required care. He tried to move[ and moaned at the pain.<--IMHO, cut this-->, moaning at the pain his little progress brought.] He smiled grimly<--[Which is it? Maning from pain, or ironic smile?].
“We have won,” he groaned. “For all the good it will do.”<--[Said to whom?]
From behind there was a sudden blinding flash of fell light.<--[PoV?] The soldier looked around in horror right before he screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.<--[PoV?]

---

I feel like I've commented many of the same things before.

quote:

---

Someone else does witness the scene, it just gets cut off with the 13 lines.

---

Maybe you should let us see this through the witnesses eyes. Knowing what he or she knows, and then we could feel more immersed. Intruth, that should be who we start with.

I hope this helps.
 

I suppose the real problem is that I don't know where to start or how to start a rewrite for this scene. Any advice on this would be most appreciated.
 

I critted your first chapter a while back, and reread the beginning just now. I think you could with just a little rewrite tell it all from the other's POV.

Just my thought though.

~~

Choking fog rose above the battlefield, obscuring the wounded soldier’s view of the corpses from his comrades and enemies already being picked at by the carrion crows that had descended for their free meal.
The soldier sat against a tree some distance away, clutching his side in pain. His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield. Wounded himself in the confrontation, he had slumped against a tree and waited to die.
“I suppose this means we’ve won,” he said to himself. A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him. When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved. He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.

 

(No promises on turnaround time. Though I usually don't slack, I'm trying to get a first draft done on my present WotF entry.)
 

I agree with babbler on the use of "brisngr," that it's no good. For me the instant mental connection is Bringr->Paolini->Sucks. But also I think "Brisingr" is a ridiculous word that makes me giggle when I see it.

Name the place Bloodstone Hills or Forbidden Valley, or Smokestone crags, something else, anything else, not Brisingr.

[This message has been edited by Doctor (edited May 02, 2008).]
 

The use of brisngr, I wrote that in high school and I had just read Eragon. I've known for a while that I needed to cut it, I just never bothered, however I did with the rewrite. Never again will that word be present in my book. Although incidently, brisngr is, I believe, Norse for fire.

The page number: I assure you that it is 110 pages, though it's more now. I use courier 12pt double spaced with 1" margins. The one thing that might inflate the number slightly is page breaks in between chapters.
 

<His injuries, though severe and in great number, were not life threatening, if he could obtain the required care.>

I think this needs shortening; don't tell us about the extent of his injuries; show us.

<From behind there was a sudden blinding flash of fell light.>

I don't think the adjective does much here; 'fell' isn't a word we use much nowadays.

<The soldier looked around in horror right before he screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.>

Expand this. Show us the horror of it.

 

This is better, but I think it needs a bit of expansion, especially the last sentence.

 

quote:

---

His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield.

---

quote:

---

Wounded himself in the confrontation, he had slumped against a tree and waited to die.

---

quote:

---

A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him.

---

quote:

---

When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved.

---

quote:

---

He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.

---

That line is a little too long... but if you could pare it down a bit, you might achieve the shock you are going for. I have a scene that would work perfectly on camera, but it's hard to get that element of suddenness in writing.

I'm interested in reading more, but I'd rather take a few chapters (as opposed to 110 pages) at a time. At least that way I'd be able to get back to you while waiting for code to compile sometime this week or next.

 

Gina
 

I think you still have some of the same issues you had 10 months ago. The scene is overthought. If he thinks he has won and is waiting to die, to me it looks like the battle was fought to a standstill, to the last man... which might make it more interesting.

The death plunge through the tree, although very macho, is somewhat non-sensical... especially being wounded, possibly mortally. Any self-respecting warrior would confront his victim. Any villain would merely sneak up from behind and make sure his stroke kills the victim dead rather than hazarding a miss through the tree.

The villain must, indeed, be a blackguard to do such an evil deed.
 

quote:

---

Choking fog rose above the battlefield, obscuring the wounded soldier’s view of the corpses from [of] his comrades and enemies already being picked at by the carrion crows that had descended for their free meal [This sentence is very long and could probably be broken up].
The soldier sat against a tree some distance away, clutching his side in pain. His war-sword lay sheathed in the body of it’s last victim, an enemy soldier ha had chased from the battlefield. Wounded himself in the confrontation [This makes it sound like the injuries are self inflicted. I would drop 'himself'.], he had [remove 'had'] slumped against a tree and waited to die.
“I suppose this means we’ve won,” he said to himself. [I think it reads better to start a new line here. Leave the dialogue by itself in this case.]A flash of light somewhere in the forest silenced him. When he heard the crunch of a boot on dead leaves he dared to hope he had been saved. He screamed and died as a blade of enchanted steel pushed through the tree into his back.

---

I don't think I would keep reading at this point. The villain strikes me as false. Plunging the sword through the tree is theatrical for the sake of being theatrical. I don't see a character with depth doing something like that, as it is highly impractical. There are much more efficient (and evil) ways for him to kill the soldier.
 

In a way, it makes me sad that it's so associated with the Eragon series
 

--

“I suppose this means we’ve won,” said the wounded knight to the enemy soldier laying slumped against a nearby tree with the knight’s broad sword still protruding from his belly. “Well,” corrected the knight, “I suppose this means I’ve won.” He chuckled to himself at his poor joke and groaned in pain from the gash in his side that was going to kill him.
“In the distance he could see his compatriots searching the battlefield for the wounded through the dense fog that clung to the rolling hills that had been churned into mud from the large battle.
“You know,” he said, again talking to the corpse, “it seems like a rather silly thing to fight a war over.”
“What does?”
The end must have been closer than he’d thought.
 

Who is he talking to, dialogue for the sake of dialogue, vocalizing to himself, I don't get it.
If he's talking to a fallen comerade or the body of an enemy, nothing says he is alone but I get the impression he is. or at least removed from others.

I do want to know more about him, the name of the battle doesn't seem to matter, its another meaningless battle in an overall meaningless war. History assigns names to battles and wars, are we with him in the present? the details about it being the last battle and the Elemental wars can come later.
I may have the character completely wrong but he seems to have given up hope and reached an end, which is a great place for a new beginning.

Please try to show more and tell less, and if there is dialogue, he could be talking for the sake of hearing a voice and not expecting a response. Did anyone else survive?

I am curious and would like to read more.

Who is he

 

there are some of my previous questions answered but i think a lot of the sense of place and meaning is lost. I'll go back and read a bit more of your progression to this point but the latest version standing on its own seems very empty. the wounded knight is standing there mocking the corpse of a fallen enemy, with his sword still stuck in the guy. ew.
I feel like its been a one sided war and the bad guys have won.
After reading that I likely would not want to read on.
 

quote:

---

Keep your email address viewable to other users when you post notes?

---