This is from my historical novel (with a little time-travel thrown in). Thanks for any impression.
Joe
He had to go back.
Michael Patriate sat in the precious shade of an ancient tree, contemplating the dust on his black wingtip shoes. He leaned his head back against the rough bark and wished again for a cigarette.
In a minute.
He swallowed what spit he could muster to dampen his parched throat and looked up the hill, where only the crooked, rutted road bore witness that civilization had ever touched this rolling landscape.
The pond lay on the other side of that ridge. He had eyed it when he passed it an hour before, but couldn’t bring himself to drink the stinking, greenish liquid then because, surely, help waited over the next hilltop.
quote:
Michael Patriate sat in the precious shade of an ancient tree, contemplating the dust on his black wingtip shoes. He leaned his head back against the rough bark and wished again for a cigarette.
quote:
He swallowed what spit he could muster to dampen his parched throat and looked up the hill, where only the crooked, rutted road bore witness that civilization had ever touched this rolling landscape.
And I found this sentence a bit long and confusing...
quote:He had eyed it when he passed it an hour before, but couldn’t bring himself to drink the stinking, greenish liquid then because, surely, help waited over the next hilltop.
A little hint as to what sort of time period he might be in and whether it is his, or one he "jumped," to, in my opinion, might be helpful.
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 17, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited April 17, 2008).]
quote:
He had to go back.Michael Patriate sat in the precious shade of an ancient tree, contemplating the dust on his black wingtip shoes. (1)He leaned his head back against the rough bark and wished again for a cigarette.
In a minute. (2)
He swallowed what spit he could muster to dampen his parched throat (3) and looked up the hill, where only the crooked, rutted road bore witness that civilization had ever touched this rolling landscape. (4)
The pond (5) lay on the other side of that ridge. He had eyed it when he passed it an hour before, but couldn’t bring himself to drink the stinking, greenish liquid then because, surely, help waited over the next hilltop.
1. You start off with a great sense of action and immediacy - "I must go back!" and very quickly fall back to contemplating the dust on your shoes? Writing is kind of like driving - jamming on the gas and brake just gives your passengers whiplash and spills their coffee everywhere.
2. Is he going back in a minute? Is he going to have a smoke in a minute? Is he going to dust off his shoes in a minute? Attack the tree? Scratch his ass?
3. The langueage of this line doesn't quite seem to mesh with the rest of the piece - it seems a little archaic and old fashioned, though at least you didn't go so far as to use slaked his ravenous thirst.
4. Rolling landscape doesn't tell me much unless you describe it. Trees? Grassland? Ice and snow?
5. Is this The Pond that's been hailed in song and legend for ages upon ages? Or is it perhaps merely a pond that happens to to be behind that ridge? Using the definite article here means something quite different from what you're intending, I think.
Hmmm.... not bad, but not awesome. I like that youre showing here (I've read a little too much telling lately) but you seem to be focusing on things that aren't of paramount interest to me as a reader. Why is he thirsty? I have no sense of the time period, though you've mentioned the fact that this is historical fiction with time travel. I'm just not getting a sense of... anything, really. I'm kind of bored, to tell the truth.
If this landed on my desk, I'd probably pass.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Wolfe_boy (edited April 17, 2008).]
You've helped me clarify a couple of things. I'll try again.
Thanks,
Joe