Entering orbit near Ranyk’s starship, the courier drone initiated its signal, emitting the most distressing and life-changing words Ranyk would ever hear. But the drone had traveled hundreds of light-years to be completely unnoticed.
A swarm of projectiles banged like hail against Ranyk's hull. He did a double take at his aft viewer as he piloted evasively.
“A freightship from the China-Mars Delegation? Who uses those anymore? Even if they weren’t shooting at me this would be suspicious.”
All of the hard work you'll put into the first page won't mean a thing if you can't finish the last page. Go work on getting to that.
Jayson Merryfield
[This message has been edited by Trav (edited May 02, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Trav (edited May 02, 2008).]
By all means, keep working on this passage and requesting critiques until you (and the critiquers) are happy with it. Don't let me stand in your way.
Jayson Merryfield
Also I received a great critique on my first couple of chapters. It showed me stuff to watch for when I'm writing. I started making the item-by-item changes, and stopped when I realized my story needed another re-write.
Now I try to just make notes about what to fix and keep going. Its tough, but I care more about the story; I'll polish (and learn to polish) later.
Do whatever works for you. If your focus is improving your craft, and you're not concerned with getting this story out, play away. If your goal is to tell this particular story, I agree with Wolfe-boy.
What were those “distressing and life-changing words”? You left me hanging, because I get the impression that he will hear them later. If he didn’t notice the drone, why talk about it first? It sounds like you should start with the swarm of projectiles.
POV: Ranyk would hear the sounds (hail) before he looked to see what they were (projectiles). Unless he knows from the sound, that they must be projectiles of some kind; it’s not clear. Its doubtful he would think of himself as doing a “double-take”.
Is he talking? To whom? It would help to break the dialog with a beat (or tag) after the second question. The dialogue slows the action a bit, making it sounds like he’s not that worried about being shot at. But maybe that’s the point, with an old-fashioned freight ship after him. It could even be humorous, but the word “suspicious” make me think you’re going more for tension.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 02, 2008).]