I've been perusing other first 13 submissions for a couple of weeks now, and it has gotten me thinking (yikes!) Before I make any drastic changes, I thought I'd get some opinions about the way it now stands. I love this part, but if the consensus is that it's not really "first 13" material, I'll probably just cut this first scene out entirely. It'll be a bit like amputating my little finger though, so take that into consideration
One of the children had drawn a giant rainbow on the wall as a goodbye present for Jenny. Instead of reprimanding him, she gave him a hug and told him she loved it. Cleaning it up wasn’t her problem anymore. By the time Lisa arrived to replace her, she was ready to leave. She would miss the children, but had no desire to pretend she was sorry to say goodbye to anyone else. One way or another, she was leaving the town of Hamilton, and there was very little that she would miss.
The road meandered along, roughly following the curving path of the Ioan River, but Jenny left the road, scrambling through the riotous spring growth of weeds. In years past, she, Philip and Sarah would have already worn a trail through the weeds, but
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[One of the children<--[Name? Or what children?] had drawn a giant rainbow on the wall as a goodbye present for Jenny. Instead of reprimanding him, she gave him a hug and told him she loved it.<--[The second sentence made me stop because the first sentence gave me the impression "Jenny" was young.] Cleaning it up wasn’t her problem anymore. By the time Lisa arrived to replace her[As what? Where are we school? Orphanage?], she was ready to leave. She would miss the children, but [had no desire to pretend she was sorry to say goodbye to anyone<--Long way of saying: no one] else. One way or another, she was leaving the town of Hamilton, and there was very little that she would miss.<--Redundant.]
The road meandered along, roughly following the curving path of the Ioan River, but Jenny left the road, scrambling through the riotous spring growth of weeds. [In years past, she, Philip and Sarah would have already worn a trail through the weeds, but<--[IMHO - this is too soon to go into a memory. There is no earlier mention of these people, and I stopped to wonder why they are mentioned.]
Interesting setup. It lacks a hook. We know that she wants to leave, buit not why. Likewise, we know the town name, but no where she was at with "the children".
The rest is smooth.
I hope this helps.
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One of the children had drawn a giant rainbow on the wall as a goodbye present for Jenny. Instead of reprimanding him, she gave him a hug and told him she loved it. Cleaning it up wasn’t her problem anymore. By the time Lisa arrived to replace her, she was ready to leave. She would miss the children, but had no desire to pretend she was sorry to say goodbye to anyone else. One way or another, she was leaving the town of Hamilton, and there was very little that she would miss.
The road meandered along, roughly following the curving path of the Ioan River, but Jenny left the road, scrambling through the riotous spring growth of weeds. In years past, she, Philip and Sarah would have already worn a trail through the weeds, but
Just an observation; the majority of your writing so far is a narrative summary. My question is the first scene important to your story? If so why did you write it in a narrative summary? If it isn't important why lead with it?
You first two paragraphs could've been fleshed out into a full scene in which Jenny is showing the reader that she will miss the children but not the town.
I would read on, for the lyrical value, and also to find out where she is going. Though, something should really grab us soon.
Also, I didn't get a very strong feeling of setting. The MC walking on the road makes me think typical fantasy, but the first part had a more modern feel. I'm not sure why.
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One of the children had drawn a giant rainbow on the wall as a goodbye present for Jenny. Instead of reprimanding him, she gave him a hug and told him she loved it. Cleaning it up wasn’t her problem anymore. By the time Lisa arrived to replace her, she was ready to leave. She would miss the children, but had no desire to pretend she was sorry to say goodbye to anyone else. One way or another, she was leaving the town of Hamilton,
This is good. I liked the "cuteness" factor of the child's rainbow, and I think the thougt process here really connects the reader with Jenny, who she is, how she thinks. She's sensitive to the feelings of others, she feels tied down, wants to move on. And she's getting that chance. I can relate, I like it a lot.
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she was leaving the town of Hamilton, and there was very little that she would miss.
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The road meandered along, roughly following the curving path of the Ioan River, but Jenny left the road, scrambling through the riotous spring growth of weeds. In years past, she, Philip and Sarah would have already worn a trail through the weeds, but
Good writing altogether, I think the strong points here are clear setting, clear point of view, and even some character dveelopment for Jenny. That's a lot to accomplish in such a small space. I give you an A.
I don't think it's important that we know why she wants to leave in the first 13, so long as the picture gets clear soon after.
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited May 14, 2008).]
quote:
The MC walking on the road makes me think typical fantasy, but the first part had a more modern feel. I'm not sure why.
This is actually a very astute comment. The world she lives on has been moderately influenced by a modern Earth.
Thank you for not eating me alive the first time I tried this!
(After rereading this paragraph I realized that I must be hungry...)
I appreciate all these comments. You are the best!
[This message has been edited by Unwritten (edited May 14, 2008).]
I'm not really sure, actually. But I definitely got the impression it was modern.
I don't think I know you, I have been gone for a while.
I like the scene with the rainbow, being a novel I think you can afford to expand it a bit, let us understand characters and relationships as well as set scenes.
It strikes me as vaguely 1900-1910 England/Scottish borders for some reason.
The entire Douglas family, from the small town of Hamilton, had been raised with good old fashioned values. Grandmother was so against the way that humans and fairies interacted these days—like the racial differences didn’t even matter anymore—that Jenny had never even met a fairy. She hoped all that would change now that she was an adult.
One of the children had drawn a giant rainbow on the wall as a goodbye present for Jenny. Instead of reprimanding him, she gave him a hug and told him she loved it. Cleaning it up wasn’t her problem anymore. By the time Lisa arrived to replace her, she was ready to leave. She would miss the children, but had no desire to pretend she was sorry to say goodbye to anyone else. One way or another she was leaving
Your first version worked better.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 19, 2008).]
Then, start the next paragraph with Jenny taking one last look around the children's institution (whatever it is) and seeing the rainbow and so on. That might give us a better idea of who she is and where.
Example (however poor):
Jenny Douglas watched little Vinny paint a giant rainbow on the cafeteria wall of the Hamilton Home for Wayward Children. Her heart swelled when he added the lime-green caption: We love you Ms. Douglas. A tear blurred her vision for a moment. The only part of Hamilton she'd miss was these children. She felt like a traitor leaving the children to the totalitarianism of the staff--especially that tyrant, Mrs. Hellequin. But, she had to get out of Hamilton before its tentacles strangled her ambitions like they had the magic that was once so abundant. Jenny wiped her eyes. With his stubbled scalp, big ears and wet brown eyes, Vinny looked malnourished in the baggy, drab-gray regulation suit. She wished she could take him with her. She wished she could free them all, but she had not yet freed herself.
I hope this helps.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited May 20, 2008).]