Dry mouth and sweaty hands, what an odd combination, thought Avi Rauch, as he propped his hot, throbbing back against the cold comfort of the gray concrete wall. He shook his head to clear his mind, and salty sweat drops, mingled with ruby red beads of blood, trickled down the tip of his nose and chin, then fell with agonizing slowness and splatter on the cement floor. Deep inside he knew it wouldn’t be long now. They undoubtedly would kill him soon as there was nothing left to tell. Through all that excruciating pain which they inflicted upon him, in long hours of bestial torture, he only felt the exaltation and gratification of a mission accomplished.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited May 18, 2008).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Okay, is this from a novel or a short story?
I don't think it belongs here, so I need to move it to the correct Fragments and Feedback area.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Catchy title though!
Posted by pilot27407 (Member # 7992) on :
It's a 140,000 words novel, the hunt for Saddam,... but it's not welcomed in novels,... that's OK.
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
quote:It's a 140,000 words novel, the hunt for Saddam,... but it's not welcomed in novels,... that's OK.
It's not welcome in novels? Have you posted it in the F&F for Novels yet? I don't see it anywhere. I'm not certain the subject matter would be of particular interest to me per se, but your writing is competent and some people would likely be interested.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
If the wolfe says it's good that means something, since he isn't the kind of chap who hands out nothing but cotton candy.
Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :
I have to admit, I first read the guy's name as Avi Raunch, so I did a double-take when I got to "hot, throbbing..."
Sick thoughts aside, though, I'm somewhat hooked because I want to see the poor guy escape, but the use of adjectives and alliteration feels grating: "hot, throbbing", "cold comfort", "grey concrete", "ruby red beads", "slowness and spatter". It might also help to break up those first two sentences into several.
I would change "Through all that excruciating pain which they inflicted upon him" to "Through all the excruciating pain which they had inflicted upon him", otherwise it sounds like it's happening currently, instead of before the point where he's slumped against the wall.
Posted by pilot27407 (Member # 7992) on :
Thanks guys and gals,... sorrry... ladies and gentelmen. One question. If I would like to submit more, a full chapter per ex... where and how could I do it?
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
On Hatrack, in general, you submit the first thirteen lines of whatever you've got. If you're looking for readers to tackle more than just the first thirteen, say a complete short story, a first chapter or two, whatever, then mention that you're looking for readers, and tell people approx. what kind of committment they're looking at (4,000 words, 20 pages, whatever).
Anyone interested will let you know, and then you can email those people the pertinent sections. You can find their email address in the middle of the three buttons at the top of their post.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by pilot27407 (Member # 7992) on :
Got it. Thanks wolf.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Or you could switch out the main character's name and post the rest of the story in separate 13 line instances. So long as you know people will be evaluating each piece as the "beginning" of the story. You could discard those criticisms and focus on those who critique your grammar and style.
Of course, I'm only kidding.
Or am I...
[This message has been edited by Zero (edited May 21, 2008).]
Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :
Zero, if you don't like the way I am doing things, you don't have to stay.
Posted by Zero (Member # 3619) on :
Kathleen, if you don't understand my humor you don't have to read it. Posted by pilot27407 (Member # 7992) on :
where could i post a synopsis for critique? it's more than 13 lines
Posted by Wolfe_boy (Member # 5456) on :
A synopsis can be posted here as well. I believe that a synopsis can be in excess of 13 lines, though for obvious reasons a shorter synopsis is better than a multi-paged synopsis.
Jayson Merryfield
Posted by pilot27407 (Member # 7992) on :
I'm trying, but it gets cut to 13 lines.
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Your synopsis gets cut at 13? You should be able to open a new thread, and proceed from there, just be sure to list it as a synopsis.
[This message has been edited by Tiergan (edited May 22, 2008).]
