Strange Lands is a YA novel of 50,000 words.
Fourteen year old Lenny lives with his alcoholic mother, and younger brother. Little could he have imagined a world in which the American War of Independence raged for two hundred years, and where William the Conqueror was beaten at the Battle of Hastings, but he finds himself there.
He must soon learn to survive in a world very different than his own. He realises he must teach his new friends of the injustice under which they live, and prevent the deployment of the first atom bomb that would change that world forever. Then, find a way home for himself and his little brother.
Strange Lands has series potential, with Lenny as a central character throughout. I have enclosed three chapters, synopsis and SAE for your reply. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for you time, and hope to hear from you soon.
Version 2
Strange Lands is a YA novel of 50,000 words.
Fourteen year old Lenny lives in Yorkshire with his alcoholic mother and younger brother. He never imagined a world in which the American War of Independence could rage for two hundred years, and where William the Conqueror was beaten at the Battle of Hastings, but he finds himself there when his brother disappears into thin air.
Lenny follows him into the shimmering patch of air, and ends up in the strange land of Enueria. He must survive in a world very different than his own, and teach his new friends of the injustice under which they live. But most of all, he must prevent the deployment of the first atom bomb – an event that would change the world forever. Then, find a way home for himself and his brother.
Strange Lands has possible series potential, with Lenny as a central character throughout. I have enclosed three chapters, synopsis and SAE for your reply. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Is this version any better? Any worse? Needs anything else?
Version 3 (Newest version)
Strange Lands is a YA novel of 50,000 words.
Fourteen-year-old Lenny lives in Yorkshire with his alcoholic mother and Harry, his younger brother. When Harry disappears into a shimmering patch of air, Lenny, and girlfriend Sam, follow him and end up in the strange land of Enueria, a twisted version of England.
Shocked to discover the American War of Independence still rages, Lenny must survive in a world where war orphans would rather live on the streets than go into care. When his brother is taken by the authorities, his search for him leads to a sickening discovery. He must rally his new friends to help him prevent the deployment of the first atom bomb – an event that would change the world forever. Then, find a way home for himself and his brother.
Ok, probably not perfect, but is this getting there?
Please tear apart, tell me what you think, and if this query would hook you. Thank you in advance.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited May 24, 2008).]
Are you saying that the Anglo-Saxon control of England made the American Revolution last 200 years? The connection, if it is important to the story situation Lenny finds himself in, needs to be included so that your set-up is clearer.
And I agree that you need to give the editor or agent some hint of how Lenny got there, and say that he went with his younger brother sooner. Did his brother, say, fall down a rabbit hole and Lenny followed him?
As you requested:
Strange Lands is a YA novel of 50,000 words.
Fourteen year old Lenny lives with his alcoholic mother (don't need a comma here), and younger brother. Little could he have (this sounds a little convoluted - he never imagined? . . . ) imagined a world in which the American War of Independence raged for two hundred years, and where William the Conqueror was beaten at the Battle of Hastings, but he finds himself there.
He must soon learn to survive in a world very different than his own. He realises he must teach his new friends of the injustice under which they live, and prevent the deployment of the first atom bomb that would change that world forever. (the soon/realise words just distance the action. He must learn/he teaches. Then, the next clause sounds funny to me. deployment of the first atom bomb - an event that would change the world forever?) Then, find a way home for himself and his little brother.
Strange Lands has series potential, with Lenny as a central character throughout. (I often see writers discouraged from pitching a series before the first book is sold. It seems to me that what you have that is really special and of interest to a publisher is a jamming, exciting story that still provides an educational experience to kids, and encourages them to think baout what could have been. I'd push that a lot more.) I have enclosed three chapters, synopsis and SAE for your reply. The full manuscript is available upon request.
Thank you for you time, and hope to hear from you soon.
anyways, that's my story, and I'm sticking to it. Good luck!
quote:
Are you saying that the Anglo-Saxon control of England made the American Revolution last 200 years?
I guess I'm saying, the world is different becuase of these events, and the leaders that run the country. Its set in England, though its not call that. Should that be mentioned?
Deb, hi! Yes, there's some difference of oppinion on the series issue. Some say it's good to mention it, others say its bad. I like to say something along those lines to show the editor I'm not a one book wonder. The other way I thought to say it was to say I have other novels complete, but I didn't want them thinking I've got a whole backlog of stuff I'll be sending thier way! Any thoughts?
Again, thanks to all, I'll have a play with it and re-post later.
I'd be inclined to arrange the information a bit differently, though.
Something like
quote:
Fourteen year old Lenny lives in Yorkshire with his alcoholic mother and younger brother, Squiggy (or whatever). When Squiggy vanishes into a shimmering patch of air, Lenny follows him, and they end up in the strange land of Enueria. He learns that in this world William the Conqueror was beaten at the Battle of Hastings and the American War of Independence has raged for two hundred years. He and Squiggy must survive in this world so very different than their own, and teach their new friends of the injustice under which they live. But most of all, he must prevent the deployment of the first atom bomb – an event that would change the world forever, then find a way home for himself and his brother.
My reasons for the rearrangement:
How they got there is a pretty important turning point and should come early. (Thin air (which is a bit of a cliche, by the way) and "a shimmering patch of air" are not the same thing.)
I would think someone in England would be more inclined to mention the Battle of Hastings first and the American war second.
Also it would be good to say how old his brother is, so that the potential problems of keeping them both alive would be clearer.
I suppose I should apologize for "Squiggy," but I couldn't resist, and I didn't even watch that much of LaVerne and Shirley even when it was on tv.
Edited to fix some commas.
[This message has been edited by Corky (edited May 21, 2008).]
There is also a third person, Lenny's girlfriend, that goes with them, but I don't want to clutter up the query with lots of names and ages.
I hope leaving those details up to the synopsis is ok.
Not sure who Squiggy is! I've added the younger brother's name into the query letter.
If you remember HAPPY DAYS on tv, and even if you don't, you may remember Fonzie (Arthur Fonzarelli, played by Henry Winkler)? There was a spin-off show for a couple of Fonzie's girls, LAVERNE AND SHIRLEY, and in that show were a couple of "lovable jerks" named Lenny and Squiggy.
As for the American Revolution, that was just a few colonies beaking away, and we've had plenty of experience of that. Over here, it's a lot less interesting. I think we'd definitely mention Hastings first.
[This message has been edited by RobertB (edited May 24, 2008).]
A wonderful example of how people might talk is in an article Poul Anderson wrote entitled "Uncleftish Beholding ."
By the way, darklight, if Lenny's girlfriend went with him after his little brother, I'd include that information in the query. It would only take a few more words, and it would "up the ante" (so to speak--am I still showing how old I am?) and make the story potentially more interesting.
First you introduce the home life (living with an alcoholic). Fine, but since they leave that behind and it isn't a part of the main story in this new world it doesn't actually matter to me.
Next you tell me how they get into a new world. Fine, but as it's not overly original of traumatic it's a simple plot device to get your character into this other world. Again, it doesn't actually matter to me.
Because neither of these seem crucial to the story, the only thing that I'm going to base whether or not I might be interested in this world upon is your description of the world he's entering. But where is it?
I'm left with the impression that the world he lives in is present day, but with no information about it except that its social structures are "unfair". If I put in the mental effort I can guess that the historical changes mentioned are what leads to this changed world but in all honesty most editors won't.
I need to know what about this world that your characters will be interacting with and affecting is unique/interesting. Sure you mention historical events, but my understanding is that they're in the past and your main character is coping with the consequences of them. So tell me of the consequences. I don't care about the history because the character isn't changing the history.
If I were to write your query it would go something like this:
"Strange Lands is a YA novel of 50,000 words.
When his brother disappears in a shimmering patch of air, Lenny - with his girlfriend at his side - is thrust from his alcoholic mother's Yorkshire flat into the world of Enueria. A world where history is skewed so that [INSERT INFORMATION ABOUT WHAT HE'S DEALING WITH DIRECTLY HERE]
Now he must survive in a world very different than his own, and teach his new friends of the injustice under which they live. But most of all, he must prevent the deployment of the first atom bomb – an event that would change the world forever. Then, find a way home for himself and his brother.
Strange Lands has possible series potential, with Lenny as a central character throughout. I have enclosed three chapters, synopsis and SAE for your reply. The full manuscript is available upon request."
Essentially, I shortened the lead in details, got rid of the information about why history's different and simply said "it is", then left room for something about the actual world he's going to interact with. The rest is the same as your second draft.
My only other problem is that "Enueria" sounds as made up as "Narnia"... it may be worthwhile to wheedle in that it is in fact England under a different name.
RobertB - The reason I mention the Revolution first, is it's still onging when Lenny arrives at this new land, and is the reason why things are as bad as they are.
Corky - Yes, I do have many words that are different, which does cause some communication problems at times. I could mention the girlfriend, but that's another piece of information to cram in. Maybe I could sneak her in there somewhere!
Fooglmog - thanks for your suggestions. It matters to Lenny about his home life, and does shape his choices in the new world. As for how they get there... I kind of agree, but many crituques deemed it important to the query.
As said above, the war is ongoing. Is that clear from the query, and if not, should it be made so?
Enueria is the name of a city, not the country, but yes, maybe I should make it clearer that it is England under a different name.
I'm gonna give this query another try, perhaps without the information concerning William the Conqueror.
[This message has been edited by darklight (edited May 24, 2008).]
I see you labeled the novel YA. Would it help at all to point out it is an "alternate history" type novel, just to help the agent get an idea of where it fits in the marketplace? I'm not sure about this, it's just a thought.
I wish you luck with this project. Sounds like an interesting novel.
Sincerely,
chimpwithpencil
One small suggestion - The last line seems to wrap things up too much. I feel like you are telling me that Lenny will be successful, and then he is left with only the task of getting home. Maybe change it up a bit, or leave it out.
Islandgirl, yeh, you're right about that, it's something I need to consider. I hadn't thought about it that way, until now.
Thank you both for your helpful comments