quote:

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REVISION 2 - PAST

A thunderclap shuddered through the still forest.
Ua'lin waited a long moment before bringing herself out of her meditative trance. No flash of lightning, but the air sizzled with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, tree trunks slowly straightened as she retracted the uza that had bent them down.
A voice came through the trees: young, male. “Dad blast the dad blasted son of a nili livered—”
“Who's there?” Irritation made her voice sharp. Aside from her two guards, the nearest person should be a desert away. By the time the man burst into the clearing, brushing off a singed cotton tunic, she had assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You don't belong here.”
He skidded to a halt, took in her unadorned robe and

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quote:

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REVISION 2 - PRESENT

A thunderclap shudders through the still forest.
Ua'lin waits a long moment before bringing herself out of her meditative trance. No flash of lightning, but the air sizzles with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, tree trunks slowly straighten as she retracts the uza that bent them down.
A voice wends through the trees: young, male. “Dad blast the dad blasted son of a nili livered—”
“Who's there?” Irritation makes her voice sharp. Aside from her two guards, the nearest person should be a desert away. By the time the man bursts into the clearing, brushing off a singed cotton tunic, she has assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You don't belong here.”
He skids to a halt, takes in her unadorned robe and

---

quote:

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REVISION 1

A thunderclap shudders through the forest.
Ua'lin waits a long moment before bringing herself out of the meditative trance. She'd seen no flash of lightning, but the air sizzles with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, trunks which had been bent double straighten as she retracts the uza that had drawn them together.
A voice through the trees: young, male. “Blast the blasted son of a nili livered—”
“Who's there?” Irritation makes her voice sharp. She'd picked this site for its isolation—aside from her two guards, the closest person should be a desert away. By the time the man bursts into the clearing, brushing off ash, she has assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You're not from near here.”

---

quote:

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ORIGINAL

A thunderclap shudders through the forest.
Ua'lin waits a long moment before bringing herself out of meditative trance. She'd seen no flash of lightning, but the air sizzles with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, trunks which had been bent double straighten as she retracts the uza that had drawn them together.
A voice through the trees: young, male. “Dad blast the dad blasted son of a nili livered -”
“Who's there?” Irritation makes her voice sharp. She'd picked this site for its isolation – aside from her two guards, the nearest person should be a desert away. By the time the man bursts into the clearing, brushing off ash, she has assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You're not from here.”

---

This is from the prologue of the fantasy novel I'm working on with my writing partner Wolf. The first eight chapters are in various stages of draft and I'm estimating 100,000 words for the whole project.

I want to know whether you'd keep reading, and any other comments/critiques you care to toss into the crucible.

Also looking for readers for the rest of the 2,000 word prologue.

[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 23, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 23, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 23, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Pyraxis (edited May 23, 2008).]
 

1. Present tense is difficult to adjust to; I'd not use it unless absolutely necessary. I'll let others comment more.

2. “Dad blast the ..." made me think someone was speaking to their father, at first. Its seems like a very quaint expletive.

3. An em dash should look like "isolation--aside" or the longer — if your word processor supports it.

4. "there" and "here" made me pause--I noticed that you used both words in her dialogue, which distracted me for a moment.

 

*dangles raw juicy steak, looks around the room*

I'd be happy to trade crits, if anyone else has the time. Or if people are reading it and just wandering off, tell me why? "It's so unexceptional that I can't think of anything worth saying, good or bad," would be highly useful to know....
 

The opening is nice, interesting in concept. I like the juxtaposition of her meditative solitude and his cussing, the primitive setting and her royalty, and the uza sounds fun.

I've heard that present tense is hard, haven't tried it myself. For me the biggest problem with this piece is that although it's predominantly present tense, it dances between present and what I believe is pluperfect tense, in a manner which I find confusing. Also, the pluperfect phrases destroy the immediacy which I believe is one reason for using present tense.

By this I mean she waits, she had seen no flash; trunks had been bent double, now straighten; she's irritated, she had picked; by the time the man bursts in, she has assumed. It alternates between now and the immediate past making the reader work hard to reconstruct the sequence of events in the mind's eye.

I suspect it would be better, more immediate, to narrate things in the order in which they happen: A thunderclap shudders. She sees no flash. She waits, retracts the uza and the trunks unbend to their normal upright form. She assumes the royal mindset just as he bursts into the clearing. (That is, if you want the immediacy and urgency of present tense. I suspect that might be tiring for a reader to sustain through a large work. Also, in my mind a prologue is "before", so the whole book would need to be present tense; I'm not sure if that's wise yet I could be wrong.)

Also, I'd describe the man a little--perhaps, brushing ash off what? His faded cotton shirt and slacks? His cloak of irmine? His sweating, naked torso?

I don't personally care for long books. They have to be really, really good to hold my attention. A prologue of 2000 words sounds long to me. But if I were a fan of long books, I'd read on, a little, to see if it develops into something interesting.

Hope this helps,
Pat
 

Sorry, wish I could be more helpful
 

quote:

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A thunderclap shudders through the forest.
Ua'lin waits a long moment before bringing herself out of the meditative trance. She'd seen no flash of lightning, but the air sizzles with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, trunks which had been bent double straighten as she retracts the uza that had drawn them together.
A voice through the trees: young, male. “Blast the blasted son of a nili livered—”
“Who's there?” Irritation makes her voice sharp. She'd picked this site for its isolation—aside from her two guards, the closest person should be a desert away. By the time the man bursts into the clearing, brushing off ash, she has assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You're not from near here.”

---

Like previously mentioned, I think your dancing between two tenses here, and it kinda breaks up the flow of your narrative.

Questions about the narrative. If this thunderclap is so unusual, why does she wait a long moment before breaking the trance? Does it take so long to undo it, or is she unconcerned from the onset?

Grammatical stuff.

quote:

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Around her, trunks which had been bent double (comma) straighten as she retracts the uza that had drawn them together.

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quote:

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A voice through the trees: young, male. “Blast the blasted son of a nili livered—”

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Setting question

quote:

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She'd picked this site for its isolation—aside from her two guards, the closest person should be a desert away. By the time the man bursts into the clearing, brushing off ash,

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quote:

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“You're not from near here.”

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I hope this helps.

For what it is worth, I enjoy fantasy, although I'd be leary of reading on because of the tense you've chosen. I tend to have more confidence critting third person.

Hopes this helps.

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 23, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by mommiller (edited May 23, 2008).]
 

And thanks TaleSpinner, Tiergan, mommiller. I've been hunched over and staring at this darn thing so long that I hadn't realized the present tense would be so offputting out in the light of day. I am now in a debate whether to keep it, though both Wolf and I are reluctant to give up the immediacy.

We're at an early enough stage in the project that I'm still thinking about just how it should be arranged into books. Complete plot arcs for several characters are woven together, and I've wondered whether it would work better as a trilogy, or if some of the extraneous plot threads should be dropped. Hard to address in 13 lines, but if anyone else is turned off by the length, say so - now's the prime window of opportunity to re-outline.
 

I also wondered why the man's clothes were singed, when there was "no flash of lightning."

quote:

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A thunderclap shuddered through the still forest. Ua'lin waited a long moment before bringing herself out of her meditative trance. She hadn’t seen a flash of lightning, (1)
but the air sizzled with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, tree trunks slowly straightened as she retracted the uza that had bent them down.(2)

A male voice came through the trees[: young, male <-cut]. “Dad blast the dad blasted son of a nili livered—” (3)

“Who's there?” Irritation made her voice sharp. Aside from her two guards, the nearest person should be a desert away. By the time the man burst into the clearing, brushing ash from his [singed cotton <-pick one?] tunic, she had assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You don't belong here.” [Yes, stronger.]

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2) You lost some of the imagery’s strength—the trees were bent doubled, drawn together by her uza. And can you specify the variety of tree (palms belong in an oasis, oaks in a forest)?

(3) Like someone else said, the colon is distracting. Can you work in his age by how he looks instead of his voice? “Young” is a very relative term.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited May 24, 2008).]
 

[This message has been edited by debhoag (edited May 24, 2008).]
 

The one thing I would say is perhaps you need more grounding before introducing a "stranger" into the text. I've got too many questions--why are the trees bent? Where is she? Why is she there? What kind of magic is it? Who is she? Why do I care?

The thing in this paragraph that makes me want to read more is: "Around her, tree trunks slowly straightened as she retracted the uza that had bent them down." I like that image and it makes me curious about the world I'm in. I would like more from the character, though, to be fully hooked.

quote:

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A thunderclap shuddered through the still forest.
Ua'lin waited a long moment before bringing herself out of her meditative trance. No flash of lightning, but the air sizzled with the smell of burned fabric. Around her, tree trunks slowly straightened as she retracted the uza that had bent them down.

---

quote:

---

A voice came through the trees: young, male. “Dad blast the dad blasted son of a nili livered—”

---

quote:

---

“Who's there?” Irritation made her voice sharp. Aside from her two guards, the nearest person should be a desert away. By the time the man burst into the clearing, brushing off a singed cotton tunic, she had assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You don't belong here.”

---

quote:

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He skidded to a halt, took in her unadorned robe and

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I quite liked it.

I would gladly read more. Toss it over.

Gina

[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited May 29, 2008).]
 

And not to throw a monkey in the wrench, but have you considered changing the scene around? Maybe show the poor guy who tromps into the clearing and gets smacked with a lightning bolt. However, this may wreck your point of view. It was just a thought because your writing gave me a funny mental video of lightning stinging a guy and him hopping mad. Like Fantasy YouTube -- "Sorceress Shocks Bumpkin"

I don't know if this helps, but I wish you luck with your project.

Sincerely,
chimpwithpencil

This line bothers me. Dad blast - and dad blasted...

How about Father, or Daddy, or instead of blast - shoot or fire or blow away, or instead of dad blasted - varmint...I know your vocabulary is better than mine.

Love the idea..Royalty..strangers..fantasy. Good stuff!

Like it better in past tense too.
 

quote:

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she had assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm and power. “You don't belong here.”

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She's royal. . . and she's issuing a command. How about this?

quote:

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she had assumed the royal mindset, a cloak of calm
command. "You don't belong here!"

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Steve

[This message has been edited by SimonSays (edited June 01, 2008).]
 

I like it, and I would definitely read further. Only two things push me away a little bit:
1. The names -- sometimes this isn't a big deal, and Ua'lin isn't the worst fantasy-apostrophimania I've seen, but if everyone is K'tha'mu, Qu'ar, and such... it can be tiring.
2. I'm not a fan of the "Dad blast the dad blasted" part of the stream of quasi-expletives. Is there the name of a god that can be used where "dad" is? In the Open Discussions About Writing, there is a good thread on Speculative Swearing. There seems to be a mystical or religious overtone to what is happening, so deities might be a good source of swearing (unless that is too sacrilegious).

Anyhow, the above being said, I'm still hooked by your 13. I'd be happy to read and comment upon the 2000 word intro. Send me an email and I'll get back to you as soon as I can.