Hatrack River Writers Workshop: (Fantasy) first 13 untitled

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Posted by Craig (Member # 7899) on :

“Look, Little Feet”, I hear my Grandfather say.

I look in the direction my Grandfather is pointing and observe the Fire of Life ascending out of its urn.

“I have never seen the Fire of Life materialize without the entire quorum of elders being present and using their magic, have you Grandfather?” I say.
I start to say something else but my Grandfather puts his finger to his lips to silence me.

“Go get Yarga, and the rest of the elders, and be quiet about it.” Grandfather whispers.

“Garic remembered a bolt of lightning, dragging himself out of the river he was catapulted into, a brilliant red and white light, then only blackness as he slips into unconsciousness.”

Not sure if i am doing edit correctly.
forgive if I'm not.
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What if: a complete inability by modern scientists to, as yet, comprehend such "secrets" that lie beyond the microscope, yet are just as much a reality as items susceptible to probing and testing with chemistry and physics.

What if the art of telepathy were very much a reality, and possible, only unable to be found and/or manipulated by man's current state of, or lack thereof, development?

What if the Superior life forces that planet Earth's own scientists have been trying to make contact with for centuries,has finally taken place,but not in the way,nor by the technologies that todays scientists can or will comprehend.
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Thanks for the feedback.

I sure do wish I knew how to write,for if I did, the story in my head would be told.
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Thank you for making me think.Still trying,the story will get written.
Is this better?
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“Look, Little Feet”, I hear my Grandfather say.

I look in the direction my Grandfather is pointing and observe the Fire of Life ascending out of its urn.

“Go get Yarga, and the rest of the elders, and be quiet about it.” Grandfather whispers.

“Garic remembered a bolt of lightning, dragging himself out of the river he was catapulted into, a brilliant red and white light, then only blackness, as he slipped into unconsciousness.”

[This message has been edited by Craig (edited May 29, 2008).]

[This message has been edited by Craig (edited June 02, 2008).]

Posted by Bent Tree (Member # 7777) on :

As a reader, I don't liked to be asked questions,directly, but I think this would be fantastic in a dialogue between two characters.

"What if: a complete inability by modern scientists to, as yet, comprehend such "secrets" that lie beyond the microscope, yet are just as much a reality as items susceptible to probing and testing with chemistry and physics?" Harrold said, but his wife didn't seem to appreciate the excitement in his tone. She rolled her eyes.

"Go to sleep," she said." Before I commit you to an institution."

Not that the characters are depicted correctly, but this will give you an idea of what I mean.

Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :

I think these questions would be fine if they were new ideas, but they're not: the entire genres of fantasy and SF are devoted to the exploration of them.

I also found the sentence structure overly long and convoluted. I had to read the first one four times before understanding it, at which point I discovered it wasn't even a complete sentence. If you have to ask questions, something more clearly phrased might be more effective:

What if the secrets that lie beyond a microscope's vision are just as much a scientific reality as those that can be tested with chemistry and physics?

Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :

Craig - IMHO I think you need to clean up the punctuation a bit buddy, I am stumbling a bit and getting lost in some of the sentences with the comma's and I'm not sure I like that colon at the beginning

Posted by stammsp (Member # 8000) on :

Still new at this, but let's see what I can do to help (hopefully).

quote:
“Look, Little Feet”, I hear my Grandfather say.
I look in the direction {my Grandfather} he is pointing and observe the Fire of Life ascending out of its urn.
“I have never seen the Fire of Life materialize without the magic of the entire quorum of elders {delete being present and using their magic}, have you Grandfather?” {delete I say.}
I start to say {delete something else} more but my Grandfather puts his finger to his lips to silence me.
“Go get Yarga {remove comma ,} and the rest of the elders, and be quiet about it{ add ,}” Grandfather whispers.
{“Garic remembered a bolt of lightning, dragging himself out of the river he was catapulted into, a brilliant red and white light, then only blackness, as he slipped into unconsciousness. { What?}

First, I don't like first person. That doesn't mean you should change it, but it will color my comments.

Where is the urn? I picture over the fireplace, but it is probably a large something in the distance.
How old is the younger person talking? The second line is quite a mouthful for someone young to come up with. Thatr is how I picture your MC.

The final paragraph confuses. It doesn't sound connected to the rest of intro. There is a weak hook, I would use the last lines to strengthen it. Not a bad start.

(Something else--I read Garic as Garlic every time I read through it. Probably just me...)

Gina

Edited for silly typos.

[This message has been edited by stammsp (edited June 17, 2008).]