Katja Bindiril looked up at the mournful, loving eyes of the man kneeling over her, the man whose last kiss she still felt upon her lips. “I love you,” he whispered. Katja smiled, despite the pain she was in. It was hard to think that such a man as Mialith Vamak and such a girl as the one who wounded her could be siblings. But then again, both had the same force of will, the same sad, brown eyes. Both had come so close to her, so lovingly and so dangerously close… Oh. Right. I love you, too, she thought. She tried to say it, tried to answer her beloved, but she couldn’t. I’m dead? I’m dead? A hundred times she questioned this realization before she noticed there was no pain.
Posted by MartinV (Member # 5512) on :
If you are looking for someone who wants to read further, I'm interested.
Posted by Pyraxis (Member # 7990) on :
Katja Bindiril looked up at the mournful, loving eyes of the man kneeling over her, the man whose last kiss she still felt upon her lips. “I love you,” he whispered. Katja smiled, despite the pain she was in. It was hard to think that such a man as Mialith Vamak and such a girl as the one who wounded her could be siblings.[hooold on. Her lover is her sibling? If Mialith isn't the lover, you should probably name the lover before you drop Mialith's name. This totally confused me. There's also been no hint before this of a girl wounding Katja.] But then again, both had the same force of will, the same sad, brown eyes. [too heavy on the melodrama. I want to see force of will and sadness in their actions, not have it dictated to me.]Both had come so close to her, so lovingly and so dangerously close…[ditto on the melodrama. I want to see the action through before I get the sordid backstory] Oh. Right. I love you, too, she thought.[hold on again. I thought the pain she was in was because something was interfering with her love for this guy. Now she suddenly doesn't care about him?]She tried to say it, tried to answer her beloved, but she couldn’t. I’m dead? I’m dead? A hundred times[I saw only twice] she questioned this realization before she noticed there was no pain.[but you said there was pain earlier. where did it go?]
Sorry to say it but I probably wouldn't read on. The love drama's too much for me.
Posted by hteadx (Member # 6563) on :
quote:Katja Bindiril looked up at the mournful, loving eyes of the man kneeling over her, the man whose last kiss she still felt upon her lips.
Your comma placement is confusing. It makes it appear as if 'loving eyes of the...' is nonessential.
quote: “I love you,” he whispered. Katja smiled, despite the pain she was in. It was hard to think that such a man as Mialith Vamak and such a girl as the one who wounded her could be siblings.
The last sentence is ambiguous. Your modifiers are too far out.
quote:But then again, both had the same force of will, the same sad, brown eyes. Both had come so close to her, so lovingly and so dangerously close…
The parallelism of the last sentence is off because of the double use of the word close.
quote:Oh. Right. I love you, too, she thought. She tried to say it, tried to answer her beloved, but she couldn’t. I’m dead? I’m dead? A hundred times she questioned this realization before she noticed there was no pain.
I'm thrown off because of the words 'Oh. Right.' You've built up the loving relationship between them, but the first things she thinks of when he says I love is 'Oh. Right.' It takes away from what you've written about their relationship.
Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :
I second a previous comment - on first pass, I was confused as to who was the lover and who was the sibling.