This is the first 13 of the first book of my second trilogy, really liking writing it, hopefully I don't get tempted to go all Lucus and publish it first, anyway thought I would see what people thought:
The wine glass smashing was the only sound in the suddenly silent room. The fact that none of the men made a move to fix the glass answered Dylan’s question. He hadn’t imagined it; the force field was being assaulted. He ran to the window. His Mage Tower was the tallest building in Istanbul giving him a clear view over the thin stretch of water that now separated the eastern side of the Roman Empire and the western front of the Beijing assault. He felt his three companions standing behind him staring out at the invisible force field they all partially powered, desperately trying to see what was attacking them. Suddenly a huge metal airship appeared as if from no
This is literally the first 13 lines I wrote as they fit into the box. Let me know if you would read on.
Thanks in advance, always appreciate crits.
Grant John
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
Interesting. I'm getting a funky ancient history/steampunk feel. I'd probably read on.
Nit: The first sentence was awkward to me.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
I'm not sure I'd read on. There is a hook (the airship in a world with magic) but it's so far down I'm wondering about the rest of the story in a bad way.
The wineglass smashing while artistic didn't help me with the story. It was an Hu? moment. IMHO, start with Dylan realizing the forcefield is under attack and write the rest of the scene (pacing, text, POV's thoughts) consistent with that threat. As an example, would he really think about his being the highest tower and its posistion relative to global events IN THIS MOMENT? Probably not. His driving motivation is going to be WTF and trying to figure out what to do about it. Center on that and you'd pull me in better.
Posted by hteadx (Member # 6563) on :
I'm interested on if you are actually going to try to incorporated actually historical lore. When you mention things like the Roman Empire, Istanbul, and Beijing you build up a certain expectation.
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I like the steampunk feel. I was a bit confused by the glass. Why did it smash, how could it be fixed, and why is it indicative of a forcefield being assaulted? The last para felt weird to me because it seems more focused on the group of them, even though it's written in Dylan's POV. I like the references to the state of the world, but so far the only thing the story seems to promise is a fight of some kind. I'm not as compelled as I think I could be.
Posted by marchpane (Member # 8021) on :
I think it has potential. The idea is definitely interesting, but as others have said I'm not sure why the wine glass is significant. The line about it answering Dylan's question threw me for a moment as I wasn't sure what that question was initially. 'He hadn't imagined it' doesn't seem strong enough, somehow... I'm not feeling the emotional intensity that I imagine someone in his position would be experiencing.
I would probably read on, my attention piqued by the mention of an airship!