It has been a long time since I've used Hatrack's critiquing forums, but I need a little help with a novel I'm close to completing and I need it from a pair of eyes that hasn't read all or most of the story before. All the usual suspects have read it and one of them suggested adding a new opening scene. So I've played around with this new opening but am not sure if it works. I really want to make sure that the reader leaves this scene with the right impressions of my main character and the world in which she lives.
So, if anyone has a few minutes, this is short -- not quite 1,200 words. The novel is called "The Immortality Virus" and is about a search for a man who changed the world by stopping the aging process.
I'm not a big first-13 person when it comes to novels, but here are a couple of paragraphs to give you a taste for my writing style. If anyone is interested in reading the 1,200-word scene, let me know!
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Grace could still turn around and go home. No one would stop her, least of all the burly security guard who had dozens of people to scan through and thousands of street urchins to keep out.
“You got business here?” the security guard asked.
She nodded and stepped forward, holding out her left wrist for him to scan. The scanner showed green and the security guard waved her through a set of thick metal doors which stood open for the stream of morning employees and visitors. Her legs seemed to move on automatic, carrying the rest of her with them through the open jaws of the building and into its rocky depths.
Rocky? Her mind snapped back to the present and drank in the unexpected sight. Before her yawned a majestic cavern,
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited June 25, 2008).]
Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :
I like the writing and would love to read over some of it.
I have a bit of a busy schedule so cant promise a quick turn around, but send what you like!
Posted by stammsp (Member # 8000) on :
Like the intro! I'll gladly read the rest and give you any input I can.
Gina
Posted by annepin (Member # 5952) on :
I'll give it a look-see, if you like.
Posted by Christine (Member # 1646) on :
Thanks everyone! I'll get that piece ready to send out today.
Posted by micmcd (Member # 7977) on :
I'd also be happy to take a look. I like the intro.