"I," said the glowing elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." The Bodhi tree responded by wrapping more dried lotus made from its own leaves in more paper made from its own bark. It used Asjarra's incandescent soul to light the drug-filled cigarette. "How will you know when you've found it?," the Bodhi tree asked. It used its twigs like fingers to grip the cigarette, raised it to its mouth with one prehensile branch, and inhaled. "The same way one instinctively knows when they're falling, floating, or flying," Asjarra replied. The Bodhi tree exhaled a cloud of green smoke that crested through the air like a forest of mushrooms. He handed the cigarrette to Asjarra, who breathed in the sweet fumes of the
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited July 19, 2008).]
Posted by Jericho (Member # 8073) on :
Weird.
I'd probably not keep reading.
I especially liked the last sentence, but still not enough to accept the rest of the absurd and surreal.
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I'm sure this could be a great piece, but the problem for me is that there is nothing familiar I can relate too. It starts off too out there. I usually need something I can relate too a little bit. I need a slower introduction to the new world. It doesn't have to be a human. It could be an elf or something. Tolkien starts off with a hobbit but the hobbit is doing normal human things. Hope I was some help. Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Actually, getting stoned is a normal human activity. Thanks for the critique. Best regards,
Brant
Posted by Kurim21 (Member # 5695) on :
I like it. I'm not being very helpful, but I would keep reading.
Posted by InarticulateBabbler (Member # 4849) on :
quote:Actually, getting stoned is a normal human activity.
That's debatable. Drugs, marijuana or otherwise, were not "abused" regularly until the 40s and 50s. In the 30s barbiturates were more popular. Even natives (which is the big argument for "normal drug use") only used peyote, marijuana or cocoa for rituals and/or medicinal uses. And they never cut off pieces of themselves to smoke it in--that's not normal.
[This message has been edited by InarticulateBabbler (edited July 21, 2008).]
Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :
"I," said the glowing elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." I find this a bit choppy. I think you split the sentence up to get a pause effect, but I find the pause too long, maybe change to just 'said the elf' The Bodhi tree responded by wrapping more dried lotus made from its own leaves in more paper made from its own bark. got lost on this one too and had to reread. I again would suggest cutting down 'The Bodhi tree responded by deftly constructing a cigarette from its own leaves.' or something like that It used Asjarra's is this the elf? not mentioned by name previously. this is confusing as it could be the elf or another character incandescent soul to light the drug-filled cigarette. "How will you know when you've found it?," the Bodhi tree asked. just out of curiousity, might be coolio to mention what a talking tree sounds like. I imagine a rough grated voice It used its twigs like fingers to grip the cigarette, raised it to its mouth with one prehensile branch, and inhaled. "The same way one instinctively knows when they're falling, floating, or flying," Asjarra replied. The Bodhi tree exhaled a cloud of green smoke that crested through the air like a forest of mushrooms forest of mushrooms isn't working for me . He handed the cigarrette to Asjarra, who breathed in the sweet fumes of the
on a side note you may want to consider calling it just a plain ole cigar. I tend to associate a cigarette with modern times
Please also understand these are my feelings on it, which you can take anyway you see fit. I do enjoy your writing Brant, very out there and intriguing
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Thanks for the comments, Devnal. They have been duly noted and will be incorporated into the revised version.
I was hoping that by mentioning the elf messiah was "glowing" in the first sentence, it would make his name apparent in the second sentence when the Bodhi Tree lit the cigarette/cigar on his "incandescent" soul. Looks I blew that one, though.
I actually did have a lot of difficulty deciding between cigarette and cigar when I first wrote this. Neither one felt right, and I'm still not comfortable with either. Anyone that wants to vote on this below, please do so. And if anyone can come up with an even better word, they will have my eternal gratitude.
Thanks again. Feel free to befriend me at myspace.com/infiniverse if you so desire. Best regards,
Brant
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Metamorpheism revision inspired by the suggestions of Devnal
"I," said the elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." The Bodhi tree responded to Asjarra's lament by constructing another cigar made from its own bark and lotus-leaves. It used Asjarra's glowing soul to light it. "How will you know when you've found it?," the Bodhi tree asked with a baritone rasp. It used its twigs like fingers to grip the cigar, raised it to its mouth with one prehensile branch, and inhaled. "The same way one instinctively knows when they're falling, floating, or flying," Asjarra replied. The Bodhi tree exhaled a cloud of green smoke, then handed the cigarrette to Asjarra. The elf messiah breathed in the sweet fumes of the
Please compare and critique.
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Metamorpheism revision inspired by the suggestions of Devnal-Upgrade
"I," said the elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." The Bodhi Tree responded to Asjarra's lament by constructing another cigar made from its own bark and lotus-leaves. It used Asjarra's glowing soul to light it. "How will you know when you've found it?," the Bodhi Tree asked with a baritone rasp. It used its twigs like fingers to grip the drug-filled cigar, raised it to its mouth with one prehensile branch, and inhaled. "The same way one instinctively knows when they're falling, floating, or flying," Asjarra replied. The Bodhi Tree exhaled a cloud of green smoke, then handed the cigar to Asjarra. The elf messiah breathed in the sweet, tranquilizing fumes of the lotus.
