"I," said the elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." Seated with his back leaning against the Bodhi Tree, Asjarra declared his lament. His sword, Godblade, lay upon the grass to his right. His morning star, Lucifer, lay amongst the roots at his left. The golden glow of his body caused the edges of both weapons to gleam. It also dispersed the shadows normally cast over the Garden of Enlightenment by the Bodhi Tree's branches. The Bodhi Tree was but one part of Yggdrasil, the unfathomably large, inter-dimensional, trans-temporal World Tree.
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I like this beginning better. I liked the picture it painted for me. There just a few confusing parts. In the first read I didn't get that Asjarra and the elf messiah are the same person. I think you could wait a little and introduce his name, in conversation maybe. Also the last line had a lot of information to digest and they were big vague conceptual words. As a reader they don't mean much to me yet. Perhaps just mention that the bodhi tree is part of a larger world tree. Then introduce the trans-temporal and inter-dimensional part a little later.
I did like how you showed his glow by mentioning the gleaming of his swords.
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Yeah, I was confused at first as well about the elf messiah and Asjarra being the same. I would suggest just naming him in the first sentence. If this is 3rd person. It would seem strange that he thinks of thimself as the elf messiah. I like the naming of the blade, I generally do this in italics though, like naming a ship. Godblade and Lucifer, immediatly makes me think of good versus evil, and someone who wields both is an interesting character.
quote:The golden glow of his body caused the edges of both weapons to gleam. It also dispersed the shadows normally cast over the Garden of Enlightenment by the Bodhi Tree's branches.
First sentence, I would lose the word both, as weapons, is plural so we know this, and both would therefore be redundant. Also the second sentence isnt a sentene, its a fragment, so you would be better off joining the two.
The last sentence beginning with teh Bodhi Tree is just confusing to me. I suggest working some it in more slowly. The Bodhi Tree was but one part of Yggdrasil, the World Tree.
Hope this helps.
Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :
I liked the other one better. The tree was doing stuff, I enjoyed the dialect between the two and thought it was strong. I feel like the other 13 moved the story along. The dialect did that well with the tree questioning him, it gave us info that we needed
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I agree with Devnal a little too. The first one was more vibrant, but confusing. This one is staler but clearer. Is there a way you could combine the too, keeping the clarity and the vibrancy?
Posted by philocinemas (Member # 8108) on :
I'll vote for this one; although I had the same problems with his name being introduced. It seems like one of your revisions in the original post worked a little better here. - I also agree about putting off the inter-dimensional thingy until a little later - too much, too soon. - "It also dispersed the shadows..." is a complete sentence, but I think it would still be better if combined with the previous sentence since it continues the thought. - If you reincorporate the "cigarette," you might wish to make it a pipe - these seem to blend with fantasy better - it just makes using the bark a little more complicated.
Posted by Aetheric (Member # 8099) on :
This doesn't read right to me. It just doesn't grab me at all - too much exposition? Too much description? What about the elf? What does his stuff have to do with him wanting to die?