Anyway. Criticise away, or whatever you want to call it.
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The earth shivered under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground beneath her; a reminder of the scene she had witnessed a few moments before. The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents; killed for being able to control the essences of magic; killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
- Oh, and lose the italics
[This message has been edited by philocinemas (edited August 01, 2008).]
Memo to self: work on grammar.
revised *******
The earth shivered under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground beneath her, a reminder of the scene she had witnessed a few moments before. The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents, killed for being able to control the essences of magic, killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
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The soaking blood thing - you don't know if it's hers or not. The implication is that it probably isn't because she can run. But because it's still wet, it's fresh and very recent. This is qualified in the next paragraph where she's thinking about what she's seen - the murder of her friends.
When you think of something, and it makes your chest seize up, that's what I mean. I thought it was obvious, really. I don't want to make it longer or change that phrase much because it wouldn't read right.
I don't explain myself all that well. Sorry.
quote:
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents, killed for being able to control the essences of magic, killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
The first sentance of the second paragraph is partly to explain why the earth is moving. The... flow of it, the rhythm I guess, is all about her thoughts while she runs, and the repetition suggests it's happening constantly.
Well... this is all kinda after the fact. I don't think about it this much as I write. The lines I posted initially are only the first raw draft with some minor edits for clarity.
revised again, I prefer to keep the italics in as well - personal preference
******
The earth shivered under her feet as Lia ran, half-blind and crying, down the rough hewn stone passage. There was no time to think of the blood soaking into her once white robe - they had died, all of them, to give her this chance...
Every thump of the artillery outside sent a threatening vibration through the ground beneath her, a reminder of the scene she had witnessed a few moments before. The Ashai had murdered – the thought twisted in her chest – murdered her fellow Adepts, the men and women she had trained with her whole life and who were as close to her as her own flesh and blood. Killed for their talents, killed for being able to control the essences of magic, killed out of fear and hate, and they were coming for her too.
Brant