"I," said the elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." The Bodhi Tree responded to Asjarra by reaching inside the knothole of its right eye with a prehensile branch. It withdrew a hookah made from the wood of the crucifix upon which Christ had died, which had, in turn, been made from the Bodhi Tree. The pipe was full of bubbling Holy Water and psychedelic fig leaves. The Bodhi Tree breathed in, exhaled, and was about to reply when a huge apparition obscured the sun. It was the color of outer space, and loomed over the Gardens of Enlightenment like a black hole god. A Sawscythe vibrated in its fist. It was the Anti-Buddha himself, and he had come to slay the Bodhi Tree. Grabbing his thaumaturgical broadsword, Godblade, and his incandescent morning star, Lucifer, Asjarra leapt to his feet.
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited August 04, 2008).]
Posted by Aetheric (Member # 8099) on :
This still doesn't read right. It sounds completely disjointed to me.
"I," said the elf messiah, "seek only a good place to die." - strong opening
The Bodhi Tree responded to Asjarra by reaching inside the knothole of its right eye with a prehensile branch. - still good, I'm still with you here
It withdrew a hookah made from the wood of the crucifix upon which Christ had died, which had, in turn, been made from the Bodhi Tree. The pipe was full of bubbling Holy Water and psychedelic fig leaves. - ?? why is this important enough to mention in the first paragraph? what does it have to do with Asjarra? Hookah, yes, full of fig leaves, yes but why mention the wood of the true cross? This almost sounds like you're trying to mix two different styles of storytelling - normal narrative or whatever, and mythological style a la the Bible.
The Bodhi Tree breathed in, exhaled, and was about to reply when a huge apparition obscured the sun. It was the color of outer space, and loomed over the Gardens of Enlightenment like a black hole god. A Sawscythe vibrated in its fist. It was the Anti-Buddha himself, and he had come to slay the Bodhi Tree. - again, mixing styles. It reads awkwardly.
Grabbing his thaumaturgical broadsword, Godblade, and his incandescent morning star, Lucifer, Asjarra leapt to his feet. The Bodhi Tree closed its bark eyelids and drifted into a meditative trance. - why is this guy thinking about the names of his weapons?
this still doesn't read right to me overall. lots of telling, not enough showing.
Posted by Adversity (Member # 8111) on :
This is interesting too, but I like the other revisions about the elf better. It feels like you are changing the story to be about the tree now...unless I am reading it wrong.
If that's the case, shouldnt the whole new Mv3 be about the tree and then the elf as associated with the tree.
justathought
Adversity
Posted by Devnal (Member # 6724) on :
still liked the first one better. Too much stuff coming at me at once in the first 13 lines on this one.
Posted by Tiergan (Member # 7852) on :
Hi, I don't know how far along on the novel you are, but if you are still in the process of writing it, I would not get too hung up on the first 13. Sometimes the scene you orignally start with will be different by the time you are done writing the book. And also, as you write the novel, your voice, and style will tigten which will make it easier to settle on an approach for the first 13.
Posted by Brant Danay (Member # 8087) on :
Thanks, everyone. Looks like I'll be sticking with the first one, or at least a modified version of it. Best regards,