I woke up, my head pounding. The only thing I remembered about last night was some of the strongest whiskey this side of the Rockies. I looked down to see my clothes, tattered and bloody. In my right hand was my knife; a seven-inch blade, with an intricate design of folded black metal.
“There he is! That’s him!” someone yelled from behind me. I turned around and saw Deputy Valance followed by a big Indian and a Mexican.
“Hey Chozo, Deputy, Ironhorse.” I said, calmly putting the knife in its sheath.
“Stand up; you’re under arrest for the wanton murder of Myra Blackwood,” replied Valance.
“What? I haven’t seen her in weeks!” I exclaimed, bellowing my
Note from Kathleen: unless you think you can get away with putting more than 13 lines on the front page and have an editor even start to read it, 13 lines is all you get. Sorry.
[This message has been edited by Dante Maerz (edited September 03, 2008).]
[This message has been edited by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (edited September 05, 2008).]
You're well over the 13 lines. Expect to see the post chopped when SHE WHO MUST BE OBEYED gets to it. No cheating on the rule. If it doesn't work in 13 you probably want to reconsider the 13.
Generally, your dialog attributes should be "said." The words should convey the emotion. Sometimes you'll need an attibute like "said softly" which is different than "whispered" and can't be conveyed by words alone. But sarcasim, suprise, calm, and most emotions can be conveyed by the words used.
"damn it" reads differently than "damn" which is different than "God damn it." Word choice will do a lot of the heavy lifting if you'll let it.
You also use too many "!" Again, this tells me one of two things: 1) you are new to writing or 2) you don't trust me the reader to get the point. Either isn't a good thing to have in my head. The "rule" of thumb is that you get one "1" per hundred pages. You have 3 in the first 13 lines.
Anyway, lopping this down to about the right size, my take:
quote:I woke up, my head pounding. you are starting with a cliche. This means the rest of the 13 lines have to really sparkle to get a professional editor/agent to keep going The only thing I remembered about last night was some of the strongest whiskey this side of the Rockies. So someone's waking up from a bender? So what? This might not be the right place to start. I looked down to see my clothes, tattered and bloody. I'll assume he looked if you tell me is clothes were tattered and bloody. In my right hand was my knife any suprise at this or the blood? ; a seven-inch blade, with an intricate design of folded black metal I'm not sure the description is necessary at this point. If you are though, tell me whether or not there's blood on it .
“There he is! That’s him!” someone this implies he doesn't know the speaker yelled from behind me WHERE is the MC. Outside, in his room? . I turned around and saw Deputy Valance followed by a big Indian and a Mexican If he knows thier names, you should tell me that .
“Hey Chozo, Deputy, Ironhorse.” I said, calmly putting the knife in its sheath. okay, so there was no blood on it
“Stand up; you’re under arrest for the wanton murder of Myra Blackwood,” replied Valance cops don't talk like that. They don't say "wanton murder .
“What? I haven’t seen her in weeks!” I exclaimed, bellowing my
actually, the "what?" all by itself shows me his response. If he wants to protest more, that's fine too
Since the next 13 are here. I'm not sure they help you either especially where he gets knocked out and line 27 is his going to be waking up again. Why don't you try starting when he wakes up again?
I have been given the advice from professional writers and agents that the absolute worst place to start a novel is having your protagonist either dreaming, waking up to an alarm clock, or waking up in the first sentence, period.
Also, I think you should avoid the first person narrative. Try going at it from third person and repost.