[This message has been edited by Josephine Kait (edited September 10, 2008).]
Pal...
A minor nit-pick: When I was reading, I stumbled over "their own Lord Howard’s ancestors..."
In my opinion, "own" is not needed and removing it would read more smoothly. But that's just my opinion.
I would prefer to use the "had made them lax" instead of "allowed them to grow lax". Made/became/grown lax suggests they are consciously unaware of the chink in their armor. Allowed suggests they have always been willing to be lax and have taken the opportunity to do so. It really depends on how the rest of your story is laid out and if the city is indeed attacked at some point and if the barbarian hordes are successful due to a failure of the Lord.
I originally had “had made them lax” and changed it in favor of “allowed them to grow lax.” I don’t think that most people are terribly vigilant without good cause. Most people will gravitate towards comfort and ease wherever possible. And once the cause for vigilance is forgotten it seems like mere paranoia.
The “barbarians” that they had fought are now their allies and past aggressions are well submerged in mutually profitable trade. Conflicts are now on other fronts, and none of those are open wars. Her town never gets attacked, but she does go off to serve in the military. I wasn’t actually trying to foreshadow a conflict in this place, just Lili’s affinity for her people’s martial history, and maybe a little tidbit about how tough she’s going to find her training, because she is much softer than she thinks herself to be. I was using the “Lord” to try to begin establishing that this isn’t in our world, without info dumping.
I’m really glad that you like this so far, any takers on chapters as I get them done?
Thanks to all,
- Jo
You'll just have to let me know what you'd like me to critique. I am new at this and I'd like to actually help.
Jen
I'd be interested in reading your final novel, but I can't help you with "chapters as you finish them." First, I'm extremely busy trying to finish my own novel right now. Second, I know my chapters change so much between first draft and second draft, I wouldn't know what to say that would be helpful to someone else during a first-draft reading.
However, when you finish the novel and have it as polished as you can do it without critiquers, feel free to contact me for a critique. Good luck.