Hatrack River Writers Workshop: Untitled Fantasy Epic(?)

This is topic Untitled Fantasy Epic(?) in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by Chunky Monkey Sr (Member # 8231) on :

The reason for the question mark after the epic is because I am aiming high, and therefore when I get tired of writing, hopefully I will have something big enough/deep enough to send in.

Let me know what you think, either here or email me.

(I formated the text to Courier New, 12pt, and line numbered the first 13...so I am hoping I did it right.)
_________________________________________________________

Parnam didn’t like the day after a thunderstorm. Especially not one that dumped half an ocean in rain water. He didn’t like the smell of wet garbage either, which only grows more pungent on a hot day after a thunderstorm. Leaning against the brick wall of some poor cobbler’s shop, Parnam wasn’t in a particularly good mood. Why did I take this stupid assignment anyways? Even the mud around the refuse pile in the back of the shop had an unpleasant odor, seeping its way into the main thoroughfare of the city street. His hand in his right pocket found the small slip of paper that had indicated the target for his current assignment, while he mused over what he was missing out on. I could be back in my room enjoying a nice pint of Miss

[This message has been edited by Chunky Monkey Sr (edited September 29, 2008).]

Posted by sjsampson (Member # 8075) on :

Where does this story take place? The hot weather following a thunderstorm had me guessing where this might be located. I guess I have more meteorologist in me than I thought....

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

I like this very much. I feel like I’m there. My impression is a third-world country in our present world and time. If you are going for a medieval-fantasy world, you might need a hint of that soon so the reader isn’t jolted. It doesn’t sound like that typical style, but that’s a good thing.

Minor nits:
- You don’t need “while he mused over what he was missing out on.”
- The second “day after a thunderstorm” could be replaced by “humid day” or some such.
- “that had indicated” hmmm… maybe just “that indicated”, or “with”… ?

Posted by kevindouglas (Member # 8236) on :

Chunky,

I would combine the first two sentences and take out "not" from "especially not."

My advice is to demonstrate why Parnam is not in a good mood instead of flatly telling the reader his state of mind. Does he wear a perpetual frown? Is he nervously picking at something or making fists, or something of the like?

I am on the fence concerning revealing his thoughts, but that's a stylistic choice on your part. What I have found in my writing is that dialogue pulls the reader in more than thoughts do, even if the character is mumbling something to himself.

I agree with everything MrsBrown posted. Also, I give you credit for starting the story with descriptives that stimulate the olfactory sense. That seems rare to me.