Here's the lead-in to a novel that grew out of a 9000 word short story. The story had a slick twist ending (and dead people all over a living room floor). For days afterward I regretted killing the bad guys because I'd grown to like them. I liked the narrator's voice too and extended the tale to novel-length even though it meant losing the trick ending. I had a ball writing it and three months later the novel was complete: 88,000 words. TOR sent it straight back to me. Too short, too speculative, too cyberpunk?
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Big Mama asked me: “Are you going to have a problem with killing a friend of yours?” “Depends on which friend.” “A Yakuza gang member on the management fast track.” “It’s not a woman, is it? I’ve got enough contracts out on me without the government getting in on the act.” The Government of Global Good frowns on killing females, but men are fair game. “C’mon, Huck, you know the only place the Yakuza has in its ranks for a woman is as a bed warmer.” I shrugged. “They’re not as liberal as the Organizatsiya.” Quite the contrary, the Russian mafia employs women the way the KGB used to carry a large roster of femme fatales. “You’ve heard the big uproar about the lady senator?”
[This message has been edited by Swordsman (edited October 15, 2008).]
Posted by satate (Member # 8082) on :
I like your hook. The only thing that is difficult for me is there is no setting. I get the disembodied voices feel. Not that it needs detailed setting description but a sentence or a few words might be nice. It's also a little confusing with so many new words and organizations, but overall I like it.
Posted by Sylvan (Member # 1986) on :
I also liked the hook.
The Government for Global Good seems like a made up name to me. As far as I know, there really is such a organization, but it felt like something that wouldn't really be used.
It also feels like it is headed for a long dialogue intended to inform the reader about the setting. Hopefully it's really interesting, because if it isn't well done it can turn me off to a book.
The names Huck and Big Mama, along with the title, create an image of back country red neck types. The dialogue seems to come from a totally different source. It confuses me some.
Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :
Your premise sounds interesting, but it doesn't feel accessible. The two opening lines are a good hook; IMHO, you don't need to cram in a lot of information yet.
The disembodied voices distance me from the story. I'd like to see the characters in the setting. Are they facing each other? Sitting, standing, pacing? Where?
A few times I've seen dialog-only work in a very short opening segment, where the characters are clearly communicating over a distance via a given media (radio, email, etc), or a single email or letter is presented.
I agree with the comments about names, too. Red neck/local tough doesn't fit with Asian, Russian, global mix.
[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 20, 2008).]
Posted by wrenbird (Member # 3245) on :
Ditto to MrsBrown about giving us a setting. I read this and heard two voices, but saw nothing. I think you would lose nothing to add some descriptors as to where these two are and what they are doing at that moment.
Otherwise, it's interesting. I might read on.
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Starting with dialog is difficult, starting with only dialog and no narrative is amazingly difficult. If you gave me a hint about the setting and the people you could still get to the "Government of Global Good frowns on killing females, but men are fair game" hook.
Slow down a little and let me get to know Huck and his setting.
Posted by Swordsman (Member # 8197) on :
Thanks for the many replies. Huck the narrator fills the reader in in the next few sentences. It is explained that Big Mama is more of a title than a name, i.e. a warden in a prison. The Government of Global Good is indeed made up, after it’s named twice in the narrative it becomes the GGG. Huck is an urban hitman in the time after nuclear war and tectonic plate shifts have changed (not destroyed) the face of the globe. The President is Oprah IV, mentioned once in the novel to give the reader a time frame of about 80 years from now. The Stones, Led Zeppelin, Miles Davis and John Coltrane are STILL popular.
I never tried very hard to market the book, one rejection and into the drawer it went. One of the main characters smokes opium, not the protagonist; but it is an edgy story with true-to-life characters who talk and act like adults. At 88,000 words I think it’s too short. Am I wrong thinking publishers prefer 100,000-125,000 word minimums nowadays and they’re none too fond of drug usage?
[This message has been edited by Swordsman (edited October 20, 2008).]
Posted by kings_falcon (Member # 3261) on :
Publishers want your story to take the time it needs, unless, of course, it's too long. With 88K you probably have some room to flesh out the details more.
You've picked a pretty rough entry point.
Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :
Without reading your explanation here is the mind picture I had: Huck is standing in a darkened 30's era office where a ceiling fan slowly turns...Big Mama sits in a chair bursting with her girth, perhaps with a cigar hanging from her mouth. Huck is a hit man taking on his next assignment but wants to make it clear that he needs to lower his profile because he's drawn too much attention with his successes...I would read more to find out the setting and just who his next hit is going to be.