Hatrack River Writers Workshop: WIP a 20607 word first draft 13 lines SCI FI

This is topic WIP a 20607 word first draft 13 lines SCI FI in forum Fragments and Feedback for Books at Hatrack River Writers Workshop.

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Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

I was able to make this into a short story so I have moved my 13 lines there...thanks again for the crits

this thread may be deleted as appropriate, thanks

[This message has been edited by honu (edited November 04, 2008).]

Posted by snapper (Member # 7299) on :

Hey Honu,

This introduction into a short segment of your MC's life is clear and effective. I could clearly get a feel for his mundane life. Things like...

scratched the carapace beneath it's eye stalks

...and...

His dark eyes glistened beneath a shock of black hair as he watched the Seven Pilgrims tracing their nightly journey across the heavens.

...are excellent examples on how to show over tell. The first example clearly explained that he was on an alien planet with an alien pet. The second one is a brilliant way to say he gazed up at the stars.
A very good way to open a chapter, but not necessarily a book. You did so well to show his mundane life that it made the opening mundane as well. No sign of much conflict or possibilty of danger at this point. If I were to open a book and read this I may be tempted to put it back and search for another to buy.
I wonder if this is chapter one. Perhaps a prologue may be a good idea to punch up some excitement early and hook someone like me.

[This message has been edited by snapper (edited October 29, 2008).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

hehe funny you said that snapper I had a prologue (sorta Ann McCaffrey dragon book style ) and deleted it after reading OSC comments on prologues in his book How to Write Fantasy and Science Fiction... I agree its missing something and really am unsure how to spice it up atm. BTW my prologue was terrible and had me yawning so I don't grieve for it. I am of 2 minds about this story..I have enough ideas to turn it into a novel and am almost 20,000 words into it already...another part of me would like to approach it as perhaps a series of short novellas of @12,000 words each as I have a natural break and POV shift at that time....care to comment on that?..... you or anyone else? btw in 4 paragraphs the action picks up...but perhaps that's too late? comments?

[This message has been edited by honu (edited October 29, 2008).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

Hey Honu,
I agree with snapper. And 4 paragraphs is too late. Now as to what consitutes a hook...

http://www.hatrack.com/forums/writers/forum/Forum1/HTML/005181.html

If you really want to start with this scene, the dead father and the impact on his life could be explained (danger danger, telling up front), OR the last sentence could be replaced by the arrival of one of those dangers. Even if no direct conflict occurs, the potential danger could serve as an inciting incident.

Assuming you don't want to pursue the father angle right away, its a bit of a tease to drop it in here and not follow up. That could wait until later.

Beautiful writing, by the way! Stellar!

Nit-picks:
Lots of long sentences.

"stood near the side of his dug in and sleeping sand crab"

First read, I thought a "dug in" was going to be a thing. Maybe sleeping is enough.

"drowsily munching the scow shrub"
drowsily might be a slight POV violation, and scow scrub was already mentioned.

Don't need "for the most part"

Sorry, I get a little carried away...

My *suspicion* is that novellas are harder to sell. Section breaks between sets of chapters could serve.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 30, 2008).]

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

Thank you very much Mrs. Brown I see your points and have adjusted my first 13. also I have run-on-sentence-itis-syndrome. I forget is there something on the hub to fix it? Perhaps a snip-it-ater or something? I really appreciate the crits all Just in a few days of being here I already find myself liking what I am writing more and I am starting to see that perhaps I have a voice developing(?) or discovering(?)....thank you again

[This message has been edited by honu (edited October 30, 2008).]

Posted by MrsBrown (Member # 5195) on :

You are welcome. Its so much easier to pick out flaws in stuff I'm not invested in (my stuff).

I count on others here to counter me if I'm off base.

[This message has been edited by MrsBrown (edited October 30, 2008).]

Posted by Kathleen Dalton Woodbury (Member # 59) on :

honu, if there isn't a run-on-sentence-snipper on the H.U.B., please feel free to go to the topic and post an addtion.

Posted by honu (Member # 8277) on :

thank you very much snapper, Mrs Brown, and Kathleen....I figured a way to make this novel more of a short story and have moved it to that thread....this thread may be deleted as appropriate